I would like some advice on my current problem which is quite complicated. I have just found out that my husband has been having an A for the last twelve months. I have read all the links but nothing seems to apply to me so I hope that somebody out there can give me some advice.

I currently live in the UK but for the past two years my husband has been working in the US for three months at a time (coming home for three weeks in between). I love my husband and I thought he loved me and that we had a great trust. However, I have just found out that he has been having a relationship for the last twelve months with an OW whilst he has been in the US. I found out totally by accident. For the last twelve months or so when he has been home he has been quite distant with me and our love life has not been what it was but I just put it down to the pressures of work. He has been trying to start a business in the US. He has just been home on a five week break and I saw an email on his lap top that looked a bit strange. Anyway, for the first time in my life I sneaked on him and read the email. It was from a woman he has been working with and from the content it was obvious to me that there was something going on. I did not say anything but the day after I found his reply to her which said 'missing you, counting the days'. I was absolutely devastated. I know that we have had to endure lots of time apart but I thought we had a strong marriage, we are certainly not unhappy. It took me a couple of days to confront him about it but when I did he denied it and said she was just a good friend and a work colleague. In the meantime I had sent an email to her in a fit of rage saying that I had found out about their A and that I loved my husband and that I was devastated - not a good move perhaps. My husband denied everything for a couple of days and then I got an email back from her saying that since they met over twelve months ago they had been talking about marriage and children and he had told her that he had never felt that way before. I confronted H again and he said that it was more in her mind than anything else. He admitted to having a relationship with her but denied ever mentioning children or marriage. He said that she had got carried away since she was older and childless and she had seen him as her future (e.g. marriage, children etc.). My H is in his late 40's and I know for a fact that he doesn't want children at his age.

My H is a lovely person but he is also a charmer. He has a way with women, he draws them in with his open friendly face and his compliments and I can understand why women find him attractive. I just never thought he could do this to me. I think it's the fact that he has blatantly lied to me for the last twelve months. The email I got from the OW said that she has been asking my H to tell me about them for ages. When I confronted H he said he had no intention of leaving me and that he loved me. He is really playing down his relationship with the OW. Since he finally admitted it to me he has been so loving and has said he is sorry and that he doesn't deserve me etc.and I believe him. He says that he will tell the OW that their relationship is over and that he loves me. The big problem I have is that he is going back to the US for three months soon. She is in the US and I am in the UK. How can I trust him to finish with her like he says he will. He says he feels it is only fair to tell her to her face. By the way, this how his first marriage ended - he had an affair but his first wife could never get over the betrayal and they eventually split up.

I have told my H that I can get over this. In truth he has broken my heart but I love him enough to get through this. My main worry is that he is going back to the US for three months again very soon. How do I know that he has finished with the OW. All the advice says don't spend a night apart but what can I do when we spend three months apart. It is not practical at the moment for me to spend time with him in the US (children etc). He says he realises he has made a big mistake, that he loves me and I didn't deserve to be treated this way. I would like to believe him but at the end of the day I have no idea what he gets up to when he is away.

He seems genuinely repentant but it going to be so hard for me to see him go back to the US for another three months. he will be nearer to her than to me. Can I trust him, he says I can but then I trusted him before.

I love my husband and I don't want our marriage to break up but I can't accept any more betrayals. He says he won't let me down and he will finish it with her as soon as he gts back to the US. How am I going to get through the next three months knowing that I am on the other side of the world and she is in the same town.

Any help and advice you can give me would be much appreciated

Long distance infidelity problem single choice
	Infidelity
	infidelity
Votes accepted starting: 08/03/07 11:30 AM
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Kimleigh2,
I am so very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but please know that you have found a safe haven. You are in good company.

Many of the details of your situation remind me so much of my situation. I moved out of state in June of 2005. This move was something we had discussed and we agreed upon. He was coming too, but stayed behind to fix up the house and get it ready to sell. My husband and I were separated by distance (1000 miles). Well, while he was there and I was here, he got lonely. My husband is a very social person. He can talk to anyone about anything for extended periods of time. My husband is also a "fixer". He wants to fix whatever needs to be fixed.

Suffice it to say that I eventually pieced together that he had an affair. Actually when I got all of my ammunition together, he finally admitted to having two affairs. Both shortly after I had moved out of state. The "fixer" part is because my H was a coach and the team and parents had a team dinner at a restaurant. Well, everyone left except for this one mom (getting divorced and father took daughter for the weekend). The woman played on my husband's weaknesses. She felt unattractive and lonely. My H was lonely and resentful. He wanted to fix her situation and wanted to be a cake eater. Fact is he was thinking with a part of his anatomy that isn't his brain. When confronted, my H was very remorseful. He ended the As then and there because he didn't want to lose everything.

But do I trust that he would remain strong if we were separated by distance again? I don't think I could. I, too, have read everything on the MB website. A few things stick out in my mind....one that it is Ok to snoop. Had it not been for the snooping, I would have bought into all of the lies that he told me over and over and over again. The second is that you should never put yourself in a position to foster an affair.....that means no nights away from each other.

The fact that you have so much time and distance separating you should be a major concern. Can you travel with him? does he need to travel so much? What kind of business does he have? And, do you have any kids?

Regardless of your situation, I wish you luck. Pray for strangth and protection as you go through this very difficult time. God's grace and mercy were the only things that kept me strong and helped me through it all. We are 17 months post DDay and we have come a long way. I am learning to trust again, albeit it's baby steps. Please know that you are not alone. Take care.
SS

I have just spent the last two hours writing and explaining my situation in great detail only to be told that my reply was not valid.

I really appreciate your reply but am so frustrated that all the stuff I had written in reply has just vanished. It took me two hours to write it.

Our H's sound very similar. I also think that their brains are anywhere but in their heads when they do these things to us.

kim,

If he is still working with the OW, it is not going to be very likely that he will stop seeing her.

Dr. Harley advises that the affair partners go totally no contact (NC) in order for the affair to be broken up.

Your husband may need to change jobs and quit working with the OW.

How long have you two been married, any kids together? That also plays into whether or not your efforts to recover the marriage will be successful.

SB

Kim,

If it takes longer than about 10 minutes to type a response, your computer will time out. For long posts, type it on word and then copy and paste it.

Kimleigh2,
Yes, our husbands are (or were) thinking with a certain part of their anatomy and it wouldn't be their brains. (That hangy down thing!) Ha! Ha! Anyway, I know exactly what you mean and what you are going through.

FYI--I have experienced the same frustration with the postings timing out. Sometimes when you click "back" you can go back to your post and cut and paste it. But, if not, yeah, well, technology can be a pain in the backside!!! ;o)

Talk to your H. Make sure that he understands what is at stake here. He must maintain NC and he MUST understand that you are not going to allow him to be a cake eater and have it both ways. He MUST dedicate himself to you or this will not work. Complete the emotional needs questionnaires and work to meet each other's emotional needs. But you need to understand that the distance is going to make this so difficult. It is going to be so difficult to trust him again--especially when and if he is away from you for three months at a time. He will be weak. And he is operating from the fog right now. They are not very intelligent when they are in the fog. Let me tell you that they are pretty darn dumb and they think that we will buy EVERYTHING that they dish out.

Keep your chin up, Hon. And do provide details. Email is an option,too...... Take care and stay strong--even though you probably feel like your world is falling apart. You can make it through this. You are strong and you are incredible. Take care.
SS
drhuffman1@comcast.net

Kim,

You should also contact their company in a very professional manner and expose the affair. Once it hits the light of day it's ugliness will put a definite damper on things.

Do you know if OW is married?

Kim,

Your husband is a serial cheater. If something major doesn't happen to force a change, nothing will change. First of all, if you want to save your marriage, your husband needs to find a job that keeps him from spending nights away from you, much less months. I can tell you right now, the first thing your WH will do when he gets back to the US, is try and smooth things over with his OW. If he is unsuccessful, he will just find another OW. That's his MO. He's not going to change. So, until he finds another job, I would alert his company about the affair, so they at least make it difficult for it to continue. If he refuses to find another job, I would tell his parents as well. Your husband can't help himself. The only thing you can do to keep him faithful is to keep him out of situations where he might stray. Otherwise, I would suggest you should divorce. He is not going to change if things stay the way they currently are.

Hi and thank you to everybody who is helping me through this.

Thank you for your responses. I apologise for the length of this post, please read it, I need help. The Q&A said write as much detail as possible.

I am afraid I was a bit brief about our living arrangements the first time I posted. I did not mean to deceive anybody I just thought that it was too complicated and would make my post too long and nobody would read it. The point I wanted to make was that all this has come about because we are in different countries.

Anyway, this is the full story. We are from the UK but we a currently living in Australia (which is why my posts are on at strange times). We moved here in 2001 just after 9/11. My H had been offered a partnership in a textile business in Australia. The business didn’t do very well and it folded in early 2005. He was then offered a job with one of his customers. They were automotive textile manufacturers and they wanted to try to break into the American market. This is when he started to spend a lot of time in America. Whilst he was working for the company he came home more frequently because the trips were all on expenses and he was also doing some work here.

We were supposed to be moving to America in early 2006. We sold the house here and then we were told that the company didn’t feel that the American thing was going very well and they were putting the move on hold. Things were up in the air for a while and my H was still going backwards and forwards to America. My H finally resigned from the company in December 2006.

Whilst he had been in America he had met another English guy who was a consultant who was working alone. When he resigned this guy asked him to go into partnership with him in America. My H agreed, after all he had no other job. We are financing this new enterprise ourselves which is why my H has been staying in America for longer chunks of time. The airfares are very expensive, the business is not making any money and our savings are running out rapidly.

We should have really gone back to England at the beginning of this year. The reason we didn’t is because my youngest son was starting Year 12 (the school year here goes from January to November) and I felt it was unfair not to let him finish his education. If we had gone back he would have put his education back two years because he would have had to repeat Year 11 etc. We both agreed that we would stay in Australia until November 2007 and then would go back to England. Our flights are already booked for the end of November.

Anyway, my H has had two blocks of three months in the US so far this year. This next trip (August to October) was going to be the make or break trip as far as the business was concerned. If they hadn’t picked any work by say September he was going to call it a day and try to find work in England.

This was the plan all along.

As I said my H is in partnership with this one other guy. I understand that he met this woman when his Business Partner (BP) hired her to do some IT work for them. I think she is an IT consultant. She says their relationship has been going on for a year so I think he met her before he actually became a business partner. He was helping the other guy out before he went into partnership with him. I don't know how often or for how long she is working with them at the moment.

So as you see it is a bit difficult for him to change jobs at the moment because of his commitment to the other guy.

He will be back in America on the 8th August for three months. He left Australia on Friday 3rd August but he was going to the UK for a few days to see his parents and his best mate. I have been on MB for hours since he left and have found out so much information.

I have asked him how many people know about the A and he said nobody knew. He rang me this morning to say he had arrived in the UK safely and I asked him if he had told his best mate about the A. He said he had told him briefly. His best mate was divorced a couple of years ago. There was no A just a mutual boredom. However, he has now met a new woman after having a few romances. He (the BM) always said that when he found the right woman he would be totally committed and would never cheat. I have known the BM for 15 years and I am wondering whether I should ring him to talk about our situation. H said his BM told him he was ‘stupid’. I don’t know whether he will feel he has loyalty to my H or whether he will feel sympathy for me and help me. I want to know that what my H is saying to me (finishing the A etc.) is the truth. I want it to be but the more other people can confirm it the better I will feel.

He has told me that he wants to tell the OW face to face because he thinks it is the right way to do it. He says that after this one occasion there will be No Contact. I have accepted this. I hadn't seen the advice about writing a letter together at this point. I have told him that if he is serious about mending our marriage he has to give her no hope at all. I have read the stuff on MB now. He says he will see her when he gets back and tell her. I have said to him that I can’t accept that it is over until I know that he has told her and that he has to ring me and tell me when has had done it. He said he would. This means I have at least another five days to torment myself about this.

I have also told him that I can't accept him working with her anymore. He said he understood that. I asked him if his business partner (BP) knew about the A. He said no he didn’t but in the early days he warned WH off and told him to ‘be careful’. I would be surprised if his BP hadn’t worked it out. WH said he would sort it so that they didn’t work with her anymore. I said will your BP not think it a bit strange. He said he thought it would be best to come clean with his BP. Another question – do you think I should also contact the BP, who I have never met and only spoken to briefly, a few days after H has finished it just to check things out.

I have no way at all to snoop on WH now he is in America. Speaking to his Best Mate and his Business Partner would give me some piece of mind. I don’t really want to drag other people into this mess. What do you think I should do?

Regarding the OW. My H says she is 41, has never married and has no children. He has told me very little. He says the more details I know the worst it will be for me because I will dwell on it and torment myself with it. This is probably true. I don’t want to know how many times he has been to bed with her or how they spent their time together. It will torment me.

He says she is a decent person and I know that she probably is – apart from knowingly getting involved with a married man. He says he befriended her and the situation has now got out of hand. I think that he thought that he could be a cake eater. He was lonely on his own, she was single. I can understand exactly how it happened. He now tells me that she sees him as her future but that isn’t what he had in mind at all. Like I said I think he has been a cake eater. He has always had a high sex drive (as do I) and I think the temptation got the better of him. H ehas told me he doesn’t even fancy here that much and she is more overweight than I am. By the way, I have lost 14 pounds in weight (infidelity diet) since D Day and I’m not that much overweight anyway.

Anyway, thank you for reading so far. I am sorry this is so long but I feel like I need to disclose everything so that the help I can get from you is more informed.

D Day was 20th July. The day before this I saw the email in the inbox of his laptop. I don’t know what made me suspect something, just instinct I suppose. The next day he went playing golf so I decided to snoop. I read the email. It said that she had had a sleepless night after she had talked to him. That she was stressed by his absence and looking forward to moving on beyond the present situation.

My H is dyslexic and hardly ever writes a word he is not an emailer. I type stuff for him. Anyway, he replied to the email saying ‘missing you, counting the days’. This was the 15th July.

Understandably, I was absolutely furious (as well as being devastated). I emailed the OW and said I had found out but didn’t give any details. I told her that he still told me he loved me and how betrayed I felt. I think my plan, in the haze of anger, was to not say anything but to wait until he rang her again.

By this time I had checked the phone records and found that he had rung her that week for three days running when I was out. The longest call was one and a quarter hours. Obviously I have no idea what they were talking about.

I confronted him with the emails the next day (foolishly I now realize, giving away my snooping). He completely denied it, said they were just friends. I said the email was a strange thing to write to someone who was just a friend. I told him I had emailed her and he said ‘well I had better ring her Monday to apologise for your behaviour’. I said I would email her again and apologise – which I stupidly did.

I so wanted to believe what he said. He said he had no intention of leaving me, ever. I said ‘were you going to dump me when we got back to England’. He said no, nothing was further from his mind. Foolishly I believed everything. That night we went out and he was super attentive, loving etc.

I stewed over what he had said and the next day I told him that he needed to review his relationship with this woman because she was clearly getting the wrong idea. That’s when he admitted it. He said it had got out of hand etc. and he was going to finish it anyway. He said she had got serious but he hadn’t. He said he realized he had made a terrible mistake and was sorry. He told me that he loved me, he didn’t love her, that I meant more to him than anything and he didn’t want to lose me. I believe him about not wanting to lose me. We are best friends and our marriage was strong. We had loads in our love banks until this. The only reason this happened was because we were apart for so long. I can’t help asking myself whether he is finishing it because I have found out or if he genuinely was going to finish it.

A couple of days later I got an email from the OW. She said she would be honest with me and told me about the marriage and children bit I mentioned in my original post. I think in her mind it was just a matter of time before he told me about her. I think that she thought as soon as I was he told me our marriage would be over and he would go to her.

She asked me to confirm that I had read the email. I wrote back and said I had read it.

I got another email from her asking if what she had said about their relationship was the same as my WH had said. I wrote back briefly and told her that WH had told me next to nothing and that he had broken my heart. I didn’t tell her he had said he was finishing it. I just asked what was supposed to happen next. I haven’t heard back from her yet.

I know that WH has not spoken to her since I found out. I have been checking his emails very early in the morning and she sent him one on Wednesday saying she missed him and needed to talk to him. The next time I looked it had been deleted. I don’t whether he replied or not, he is sh** hot on the delete key these days.

I asked him what he would do if she contacted him before he had chance to meet with her. He said he would ignore any emails and if she rang he would arrange to meet her but not say why.

When I found out and we had a shouting, crying match he said ‘you will never get over this, it will break us up’. I told him I could put it behind me given time. He said he gave us a 50/50 chance. Two weeks after this and many discussions later he said that he thought we had a 99% chance of getting our marriage back to together. He said it was what he wanted more than anything. He is constantly saying he is sorry, he can’t believe how he could have done this, how much he loves me etc. etc. all the usual stuff.

Now I have the problem of him being away for another three months. What can I do other than wait to see what happens. I have told him that I also have a choice in this. I can tell him our marriage is over if that’s how I feel.

I have to trust that the next three months will sort all this out. He has not seen OW for 8 weeks now so I hope he has already started to withdraw from her. I have told him that the next three months are going to be a nightmare for me here on my own. He keeps reassuring me and saying that he won’t let me down.

Can anybody tell me what I should do next?

Thank you so much for listening to me. Just writing it down is really helping.

Kimleigh2

P.S. I will try to do the signature thing with the details on but here they are for now

Me - 50 yo
Him - 48 yo
OW - 41, single, never married
Children – 3 boys from my first marriage – 24, 19, 17
Married 11 years, together 15 years (second marriage for both)
D Day – 20th July 2007

Hi Jim

Thank you for your response. I have read your story and I must say you sound like a great guy. I think most men would have given up long ago. I hope your wife appreciates you.

Can I ask you why you think my H is a serial cheater. This is second marriage for both of us and yes he did have an affair during his first marriage. Just for the record this is the story of his first marriage. He married a divorced woman five years older than him with two young children. I think he saw himself as a knight in shining armour. He told me (before we were in a relationship) that within the first four years he realised he had made a big mistake. She was cold towards him, they argued all the time. I know all this is true because family and friends have all confirmed it.

I met H when he came to work where I worked. At this point he had been married for 8 years. He started in March 1990 and by June he was seeing a woman manager at the company. The woman in question had a bit of a reputation as a man eater which H wasn't aware of at the time. She set her sights at him and him being vulnerable he took her up on her suggestion. I think it was the cowards way of ending his marriage, I think he knew that his wife would never accept it. His wife was a very jealous woman and H being how he is super friendly/charming etc. I don't think she could handle it.

Anyway, when she found out she kicked him out. He went to live with the OW but left after a week because he realised he didn't want to be with her. Over the next twelve months he went backwards and forwards to his wife, she kept asking him to go back. She could not get over his betrayal and they argued constantly. He left again and went to live with his sister. Not long after this we started seeing one another. I did not break up his marriage.

It took me a long time to make a committment to him. I had had a terrible marriage and didn't want to put my children through any more upset. We were married after four years. he told me our marriage was what he always wanted. We loved one another so much.

He said the other day that he has never cheated on me before. Do I believe him. To be honest I don't know. I want to believe him. His jobs have always involved a lot of travel and he has spent many nights away from me because of work.

Anyway, I thought I'd better add this piece of info. I secretly hoping that the business fails in America so that we can be together in England. I don't care if he has to sign on the dole. I would rather have that than keep living this separated life.

By the way, he said that if it comes to the worst and we do split up over this there is no way he would want to be with the OW. I believe him. Too much has happened now for their relationship to survive anyway.

kimleigh2

Hi everyone

I have realised that I have repeated myself quite a bit in the long post I have just added.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to tell the whole story.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

kimleigh2

He is called a serial cheater because he has cheated in the past, and continues to cheat now. That makes him a serial cheater. His behavior has not changed.

The likelihood is that your WH is not going to cut off his affair with the OW when he goes to talk with her. I doubt that he intends to do that, despite what he tells you. Even though he tells you that he intends to, he has been with her for a year, and they have a relationship together which he has kept going behind your back, and has led her to believe will continue - WITHOUT YOU IN THE PICTURE.

He is gaslighting you when he tells you that he will break it off with her.

You ask what else can you do besides wait?????

You can do PLENTY.

The first is to expose this affair to his business partners, and NOT COUNT ON YOUR WH TO DO IT. Because he cannot be trusted.

Ask him for the passwords to all of his email accounts, and monitor them closely. He is not to delete anything until after you read it.

Monitor all cell phone accounts for any contact between the two of them.

He is to write a letter of No Contact to her, and YOU mail it.

Any evidence of contact with her would be a deal-breaker.

All of his time in the evenings would be accounted for. He can email YOU when he is "lonely". He can call YOU for "company". He can spend time with MALE friends.

He can commit to refraining from spending any time in places where women would congregate for the purpose of seeking male companionship - such as bars. He just has to avoid those places. He is MARRIED, and has to act like he is. Too freaking bad if he is lonely. I'm lonely too, and I don't go to bars for anything - because there are men there who hit on women for sex, and your husband is one of them........think about that. Ask him if he would want you to be sitting in a bar with men like him around??????

You and he simultaneously read Surviving an Affair, and write emails to each other about the progress you are making on each chapter. That will take some time, and you can both work together to mend this damage. That makes a project of fixing this mess, and takes up his time while he's away, and keeps him away from her. Plus, it is useful and a team effort toward your recovery.

Those are some ideas for what you can "do" besides "just waiting".

Additionally, show him that you love him, and do your best to meet his emotional needs while there is distance between you.

One last thing - when you next email the other woman, tell her what your husband told you. Tell her he said he did not love her. Tell her that he said there was no future together with her, that even if he got a divorce he would not want her, that she made up this future with him in her head, and that he never wanted anything but sex from her. Tell her that you retract your apology, and that SHE owes YOU an apology for her immoral behavior, interfering in her marriage, and for alienation of affection. That should make for some great trouble in affair-land when next they meet. I strongly believe in making the affair-fantasy a crappaganza whenever possible, and stooping to their level is NOT beneath me.


SB

If you can cut off the money, that is what you need to do. He won't end the affair on his own, and will continue cake eating until he returns home. Your marriage is in great jeopardy, so anything you can do financially, you need to do. He will be angry, but your marriage can survive anger. It may not survive an affair.

Hi everybody and thank you so much for your responses. It's good to know there is someone out there to talk to. I feel like I am going mad sometimes here on my own.

I find it really disheartening that all of you think that H is going to go back to his cake eating ways as soon as he gets back to the US. He gets back on Friday, he is presently in the UK. I have decided that I will give him until Sunday (my time, we are 14 hours in front)to ring me and tell me that he has told her it is over.

He has had a lot of time to think over the last couple of days. He has been on a plane for almost 24 hours. I spoke to him a couple of hours ago and told him I was feeling like cr*p and could not rest until I knew there was to be no more contact(after this last time). He keeps telling me not to worry and that he won't let me down. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking about me and the children (3 boys - 24, 19, 17) and he said he had too much too lose if he continued with this relationship. I think he would also lose a lot of respect from his business partner, friends and family if they found out.

I don't know how I can monitor his emails when I am here in Australia and he is in the US. I do know his email address.

His Business Partner deals with the cell phone bills. I think I might have to contact him and ask if he would help me to monitor his cell phone calls on line. I don't know if that is possible. I don't even know who the phone company is.

H says nobody knows about the A so how would anybody in the US know whether it had ended or not. I feel the cell phone is the only way.

I don't feel like I want to get other people involved just yet though. I am prepared to trust my husband to finish it.

When he had the A in his first marriage he finished it with the OW face to face. She became a bit of a bunny boiler and used to sit outside his house in her car. She lived half an hours drive away. He did have to work with her. They had meetings together. I worked at the same place and could tell by his behaviour that he had drawn a line under the A. I feel he is the sort of person who could do that. He said he would have no problem telling the OW and he didn't care whether she was upset or not. Reading between the lines I think he is pi**ed that she is in contact with me. I think he is seeing her now as a woman with a big biological clock ticking. A woman who is desperate for a man and family before it is too late.

I have a feeling I will be getting a email from the OW sometime soon.

I think I will just have to play it by ear for now.

I have been trying to do a people search on the internet to try to find out more about the OW. Every site I get to you have to pay for the info. Does anyone know of any totally free sites.

Also, H does have quite a few male friends and couples friends in the US. He said that he would hang out with them more. He also plays golf so that could use up a lot of time for him. He said he wouldn't mind joining a tennis club as well but I'm too sure about that.

I have already told him that if he is lonely he should email me or ring me.

I am trying to stay positive at the moment.

kimleigh2

Hi Believer

I had already thought of cutting off the money. I have always dealt withour finances and he relies on me to transfer money to him when he is in the US. He has two credit cards but they would also be easy to cancel.

I would only do something like this if I found he had not ended the A and was cake eating. I think if I started doing things like that now it would drive him away from me and I don't want that. It is not in my nature to be deceptive and he know that.

I am an honest, straightforward person and I find it really hard to do all these things without his knowledge. It's just the way I am and he knows that. But ******, he has been having this A behind my back for the last twelve months - well OW says it's twelve months, H says it is nowhere near as long as that. I don't know the exact duration.

Anyway, if I find out he is cake eating I would not hesitate in cutting off the money. Our finances are under a lot of strain at the moment and H is a bit of a spender anyway. I have always been very sensible with money which is just as well!!

Thanks for your advice

Kimleigh2

Hello again

Quote:
H says nobody knows about the A so how would anybody in the US know whether it had ended or not.

I have worded that really badly. H said 'nobody knew about the affair in the US'. My point is if nobody knows how will I know it is finished if nobody knew it was going on in the first place.

I think me talking to his business partner is the only way. He could stop working with her but could still be seeing her on the side without anyones knowledge.

Kimleigh2

You do need to expose the affair, in order to keep tabs on him. I would not trust him to stop, because these things will just go further underground, and he will just gaslight you.

Of course he is pi$$ed that the OW is in contact with you. Now he can get caught in all of his lies, by both of you. When you two compare notes, he has TWO of you to answer to.

Now he is preparing to console you, and to console her as well.

You can easily monitor his email accounts by logging in to his email via your computer. There are also ways to log in remotely to any computer on earth, so that should not be a problem. If you have Windows XP, there is a remote connection program that is standard that can connect you, and there are other Internet-based systems that can connect you to other PCs anywhere in the world (one I know of is called "GoToMyPC" and you can probably find others on the net. Do a Google search and you will find them. But checking his email online is a breeze, and cellphone bills is just a matter of a password and billing information.

I'm not as trusting as you are. While he says that he understands he has a lot to lose, he knew that BEFORE the affair. Now, the only difference is he has been caught.

Your vigilance will be important. To recover the marriage and make a difference, there is a lot more to recovery than just his breaking off contact. You two need to figure out what happened, and how to fix things.

Hi Schoolbus

Help. I think I have stuffed up. I went onto GotomyPC signed up using his email address and a password I created. I tried to log on and it says my password is incorrect. I know that H doesn't have a password on his computer so I made my own on GotomyPC.

What do I do now. Go to my PC will be sending him emails and he will know what I have been doing.

I can't creat a new password because that will go to his email address as well. I think I have really stuffed up here. Help me.

I did a reverse look up on his cell phone. It said the provider was Sprint Communications but it also said that it was a landline?

kimleigh2

Hello

I haven’t been on here for a couple of days. I must have spent at least eight hours a day on MB since I found the site last week. I think I just needed a break from keep thinking about it.

Latest update

The OW has sent me an email (as predicted). She said that when she first met WH he did not tell her he was married. She said she suspected that he just wanted to have an affair and didn’t anticipate falling in love with her (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) She says I have to determine which course of action is right for me and my future.

I think she has already got me down as the ex wife. The tone of the email was quite patronising which I found offensive.

WH has been in the UK for the last few days and is travelling back to America (were she is) today.

Since D Day I have been trying to do Plan A. In fact I was instinctively doing Plan A before I even knew about Plan A.

I told WH that he had to finish it and have No Contact. He said he would. I agreed that he could tell her face to face. I told him that he could not work with her anymore. He said he wouldn’t. She is a consultant so the company will just need to not hire her anymore. He has agreed to everything.

I have been trying to meet his EN’s as best I can from a distance. Last night a sent him a very carefully composed email which he will receive when he gets to America (problem in UK with the internet connection). In it I repeated the Plan A stuff – NC etc. I told him how much he had hurt me, how much he meant to me and how we could get over this. I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing. I wanted him to have it writing so that it there in front of him for him to read and reread.

I did all this before I got the OW’s email.

He rang me about an hour ago from the airport. He was just about to catch his flight. I told him that OW had emailed me and told him what she had said. He repeated that he would sort everything out and I was to stop stressing about everything. I said that he must have told her he loved her for her to say the stuff about him falling in love with her. He didn’t say anything. All this so hard on the phone when I can’t see his face.

I told him that he cannot do this to people. He is a very romantic man and I can just imagine him being swept away with the situation. It must be a huge boost to his ego knowing two women love him. I told him that you cannot say you love two women at the same time (unless maybe you’re a Mormon and he isn’t!!).

Strangely, in the past, he has always said that he thought it was possible to love more than one person. I told him that you cannot live a double life and have two women who think they are the only love of his life it’s generally not acceptable!! I can’t believe how stupid he is to think he can do this. I think he just likes to make people feel good generally he’s that kind of person.

I told him that the next three months whilst he is away are going to be a nightmare for me. He said he had been talking to some of his business friends. He has a huge network of people from all over the world, many of whom could give him work as a consultant. From what he said it sounds like he might be on the verge of pulling out of the business in America. He also said that he might be home sooner than October.

To me this indicates that he is well aware of the enormity of what he has done to our marriage and how close he has got to losing me. I do believe he is sincere when he tells me it is me he loves. All this is giving me more confidence that our marriage will survive.

I said that I can’t do this for much longer. He said we will be alright. He said he wanted to be with me if I would still have him even after all that has happened. I told him that I did still want him but I wouldn’t be messed around. He promised he wouldn’t mess me around.

In some ways I think the OW has shot herself in the foot by saying all this stuff to me in her emails. In my opinion she is now coming across as a needy, clingy, selfish person. She thinks I am already history. I think all of this is going a long way in turning my WH off her. I don’t think she has any idea about the conversations my WH and myself have been having (about him ending the A).

WH knows I am not to blame for any of this and I am coming out of this looking much better than the OW – mostly due to Plan A. Like I said I was doing Plan A before I heard about it. It was my natural reaction. I am not a confrontational sort of person. I don’t think I am a doormat either but I don’t think screaming at one another gets you anywhere in the long run. If I stay true to myself and deal with this in the best way I can, without shouting and giving ultimatums I will be seen as the better person. My WH knows I am a good person and I think this is a big factor in the way he is feeling now. He knows he how much he has let me down.

When I found out I told him how disappointed I was with him and how I thought he was a better person than that. I think that really hit home with him.

Anyway, what do you think I should I do now? Should I email the OW or should I just bide my time until WH has seen her and done the NC thing? I’m sure I will be hearing from her again anyway.

WH has just spent the last couple of days with his best mate in the UK. I know he has told him about the A. Do you think I should speak to BM and ask him whether what WH says to me is the truth? I don’t really want to use him in this was but I feel I know him well enough to speak to him about it. Do you think he will tell me the truth or just protect my WH.

Your comments and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kimleigh2