Hi

I have been reading this site for a couple of months now and need some advice from objective people and I also need to vent!! The sitch is this. i have been with my husband 20 years, married 16. Last month he confirmed my suspicions he had had what i thought at the time was an inappropriate relationship with someone he works with. 2 years ago I found text ending with @miss you lots love you'. When confronted by this he admitted he had taken this person home a few times and they had kissed but that's all. He said it was not worth breaking up our family for. Since then i have been questioning him as things were still not right, and as most WS here he got very defensive and ''i was paranoid, it was office banter, he was like that with everyone!!!''

Fast forward to this year. January had miscarriage. H's behaviour got increasingly unkind and indicated he wanted to split up. I got very worn down emotionally and decided to look after myself and live my life and not let his behaviours bring me down anymore. Before this i had repeatedly asked for the password to his computer (after the texts (2005) he gave me access then withdrew it this year) He said the trust was not there and he would not give me the password. In May this year they went on a work trip in a group and when he came back I found texts (yes I snooped again which he said sickened him() from him to her saying 'miss you. I love you as well'. At this point I demanded to speak to her, (I had asked to meet her before but he had always made an excuse) and he got very aggressive and tried to snatch his phone from me and said she would know something was wrong and it would make her uncomfortable..

Fast foward again. Text was last straw and I withdrew. He decided one day to tell me the truth,. The details have torn me apart. She had only been working for the company 4 months when after a work drink they ended up having sf in the office! They had sf in a hotel in my home town where my parents live and where I grew up when at a work function there. They have had sf in her flat, in her car and goodness knows where else!!

Guess I need to stop here. very emotional last 3 days have not stopped crying!!

Some good advice needed. Will continue post later. So much hurt I dont know where to start.

Hi TW,

Welcome to MB. Sorry u have t/b here but we can help. I recommend the following:

1. Read concepts section above and for U take the EN questionnaire.

2. Read SAA and HNHN. You will learn about plans A & B.

3. Then u call Steve for some MB phone counseling. If your H will join you fine, if not do so anyway.

4. Secure your finances.

5. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

6. Realize his anger and accusations to you really apply to him so don't take it too personally. When you are ready, let us know and we can show you how reverse babble gives the WS back their guilt. You will learn how to use his own words back at him so his accusations will lose their power. You need to also realize that when he brings something that is legitimate up, you work with it but when he babbles, you don't.

Ex:

Ws: I hate you because you always have to be right and in control. You can't control me.

BS (using reverse babble technique): Hate is your choice. It's a dumb one but your choice nonetheless. As for control, you are correct... I have to be in control right now. We can see that you are not and that is no way to run a family. I don't want t/b in control but right now it is a must because you choose not to have our family's interest instead of your A.

Now as to being right....hm.... I would like t/b right ALL the time but we know that's not possible for anyone, so just can it. ok?

WS: arrrgh.... ok.

See? You gave him back his guilt. Addressed all issues and kept your stance.

6. Document and exposue. Do it w/o anger but with a purpose. To protect your family. Expose to her work and her family as well.

No need to confront the OW. Realize she is a ****** at the very least.

So now you know and now with his own words you can say this is NOT just an inappropriate R, it is an A. EA and PA to boot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What we need to do is to get you stable so that your mind and heart are in sync. Then you can move forward.

Realize the A is built on deceit and selfishness. You can't teach the WS or OW anything, so don't try. Instead do what you need to protect yourself, your M and your family. All the more reason to expose. Expect the WS t/b angry because that is what WS' do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Learn to differentiate between the WS and H persona so you can know how to speak to each character. Yep that weird but that's also reality right now. Steve can help you in that regard.

Keep posting here.

Btw, your post isn't long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Why read, so folks don't repeat the same things on the site...you have an understanding of the concepts.

What do you want to do?

And where does he stand after his confession, is he talking about continuing things with this *ahem* girl, or wanting to work things out with you?

Thank you for replies. I want to get myself in a place where I can make a real effort to rebuild this marriage. he says he made a big mistake, he loves me wants to make our life together, but in may he was still telling ow he loved her and misses her. Since i found out the details, i have held it together, practised the concepts on the board, but since school has been out, I have been off work and with our 4 children etc, I have had time to reflect and really take it in! I understand what you are saying Orchid, I just wanted someone to help guide me back to the strong place i was in May. I want to move on but seem stuck in resentment and hurt. I want to get out of the pity party and read all the advice here, it is just sometimes good to get a hepling hand!!.

We are going on vacation with his mother tomorrow who doesnt know any of this, and he says this is a time we can talk and decide how to move on.

That is where we are now.

stillmakingit

last post was meant to include you too thanks for your comments. I hope my reply answered your questions.

His mom needs to know. He wants to talk but you s/b past that. He needs to show no less than remorse and an action plan with enough reasoning to convince you he can be trusted. This will take time.

Settle for nothing less than his 150% participation in recovery. Let him know when you see his efforts are genuine, then you will let him know if his family wants him back or not. See you want to beat him to the punch about U being genuine....that s/b a given. It's him that needs t/b genuine.

Keep things in perspective and you will reach that place where you can move forward.

All the best,
L.

T&W,

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.