Hello everyone. I was suggested to post here. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
Thank you for any advice at this point. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. He is a wonderful person and we were very close. We started arguing a lot and I am starting to realize I must have been depressed for a while but didn't realize it. He said everything was fine. Then about a couple of months ago he said he was "done". We have a toddler and I was shocked. I also was still in the process of a miscarriage. I thought giving him space was the answer and then about a month later found out by a neighbor (at my door) that he is having an affair. I was in some way relieved b/c I knew at least it was something. But since that time I have been hoping he would come around but he has done the opposite. He has put our finances, his career, all of us at jeopardy for this affair. I have read if you say anything you push them the other way- so I have just said nothing. He is being quite horrible to me but I keep on saying we are here for you but he is now threatening to sue me for divorce. I cannot believe he is throwing everything away and he doesn't see it. Due to the circumstances, it is to the advantage of the other person to inflate my husband's ego. I am extremely saddened by all of this and I am hoping he reaches his senses. I have remained silent and he has been nothing but mean to me. My family and close friends want me to give up on him but I feel I know him and in some ways I can't see him drown. But he is not looking out for me or my child only himself - is there anything I can do and at what point do I start to protect myself? I feel he is lost and I don't want to give up on him for my sake but more importantly for my son and even my husband's sake. Thanks for any advice. I have become the enemy without even trying. It is all really sad!

SAHM,

I am very sorry yoi find yourself in the position of needing to be here. But,in your situation, this is a great place to be for help!

You need to read up on the Basic Concepts here in the MB website. Get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Learn all you can about affairs and what you can start to do to combat your H's affair.

Doing nothing will get you nothing. If you want to fight for your marriage, get ready for a rollercoaster ride, but you can do it.

I will let some folks with more experience jump in, but I wanted to welcome you here and let you know you are not alone.

Please provide as much of the basic details/facts as you can about your situation as it helps. Ages, prior marital stats, etc

Good luck!

Who is the other woman?

Do you know her? What is her marital status.

You need to know that our first advice will be to Plan A...and expose the affair.

So start reading up on both! And come back and give more details.

First off...he is NOT wonderful person. Wonderful people do not treat their families the way your H is treating his.
Next...expose the affair to everyone.
Go to extremes to protect your finances since he has shown no intention of doing so.
Do not remain silent.
Remember your primary duty is to protect your child...if you can help save your M at the same time, then if that is what you want, go for it.
Remember though...you cannot save him. You can start doing things that may bring an end to his affair...but he will need to make the break and move back to you. That can be a crapshoot.
As suggested, read what there is to read here...give deatils so that we can direct you properly and take care of you and your child. I am sorry for the loss of your baby as well.

sahmom,

You put out this post yesterday afternoon. Got 3 replies and no response. R U ok?

L.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am just really sad today. He is treating me and my child as if we were disposable and waiting for his next command. He expects us to always be here and since I want to save the marriage I just stay quiet. It is really difficult.
I can't seem to find plan a or plan b on the site but I have a close friend of ours who has offered to call him but I was afraid it would make him more mad. Also, he has rewritten history to the point that I am not sure what he will say as true or not. Does it help or is it going to backlash on me that I spoke with his friend? By the way, his friend as some of our mutual friends are worried about his behavior.

Thanks! Trying to decide about the friend.

I do not know the other woman but my husband is under the impression I am working with her husband as he is being sued for the affair. I assure you I want nothing to do with these people I am just sad my husband was sad for so long and didn't say anything. I am also still sad about the miscarriage but no one seems to care about that- I think it has gotten lost in all the drama. He is really mad at me - he acts like I wanted the divorce and I had the affair. It is getting really difficult to remain steadfast in my belief he is a good person b/c to accept the alternative is too much for me. I have known him all of my life. He was my soulmate.

Thanks for all of your help. Please if there are any techniques I am willing to try. I have been avoiding all parks and moms b/c I don't know who she is and I am very ashamed.

U R not the one who s/b ashamed. He s/b.

You should NOT keep quiet. You need to learn to stand up to the WS.

Please read the concept section above and then read the following books:

SAA - Surviving an Affair - Harley
LMBT - Love must be tough - Dobson

Then either get an MC familiar with MB concepts or call Steve H on Monday to setup a phone counseling appointment.


Later read: HNHN - His Needs/Her Needs

Secure your finances. The selfish streak in the WS may even push him to put you on the street (I have seen it done). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Better t/b prepared.

Realize this, if the A was a great thing he w/b treating you well and willing to give all to you so he can be with the OW. As you can see he is quite hurtful and selfish. This is not love this is a selfish act of which you need to know how to act and react. Start reading.

L.

Orchid,
Thank you and I will start reading. He is running massive circles around me. I just can't face that he is really like this. I am really sad. What do you think about the friend contacting him?

Let the friend do what they feel is right. A WS is a weird stranger creature. One which you should be cautious around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,
Thank you. Do you know where plan B is on the site? How do you do it if you have a young child?

Thanks for being there. Really having a hard day.

Hi SAHM,

Here is Plan A/Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Here is another valuable post:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ge=0#Post405303

This quote is from you:
I have read if you say anything you push them the other way- so I have just said nothing.

Absolutely not! You have to speak up if you hope you save your marriage. Start by following Plan A. Get those books that Orchid recommended. You can save your marriage, but it will take work.

The weekends around here are slow, so don't fret if you don't get many repsonses. Come Monday morning you'll get more help, I'm sure.

Hang in there, you can do it.

sahmo...

you need a plan and stratedgy to ground you and give you a focused place to spend your energy and vent your feelings...

1.. You must read up on this and read allll about plan A,...you need to know that the villification of the BS is as common round here as the cold....how us does one justify crappy behavior...well it's simple when one blames others for their actions...

it's the perfect divergence and deflection tool....

the WS and the BS can then spend hours defending idiotic minutia of who was the worst spouse seven years ago....

plan A gives you the out...

2. you can not go silent and belly up on this ..
your husband is putting you and your child in direct harms way on many levels...

3. you need to expose the affair..

is the OW married
does she have children
does his parents know....
etc....
read up on exposure threads...but act soon.....

you need to speak clearly..

I do not desire a divorce I did not marry you to be divorced....

4. you need to own up to your behaviors that do play some role in creating a marriage that lead to you to be depressed for MONTHS...unacceptable...
if you were depressed before...your gonna be now...get yourself to a doctor ASAP...disclose whats happening and discuss treatment options..,.

you need to be healthy...

read read read read
ask questions
ask questions
ask questions...

your husband expects the marital home to be a battle field..it play right in to the affair....

make the homefront safe....

get his attention
draw back to YOU...not depressed argueing you..
but you whom he married and loves....

ARK