I have been married 34 years and in September '06, I separated from my husband (Plan B). At the time I thought I was only doing this to keep from being compromised. I now realize that I was forced to take a stand. Throughout our marriage and separation I have been repeatedly compromised and he has rejected me and my pleas for a safe, sane and honest marriage. This cycle of destruction had to stop and in order to take a stand I had to separate. His extramarital affairs and infidelities, his dishonesty and flagrant flirtations, have been repetitive, self-seeking and deviant. His irresponsible behavior has been destructive to himself, me, our children and our relationship. I found out about his latest affair in May '06 and in July, I found out he has given me an STD (Herpes Type2). He has had a blood test also and confirmed that he has this STD too. I have never met the woman he is having an affair with but talked to her once on the phone to make sure she knew we had this STD. She is married (for 18 years/no children) and her husband knows nothing about this affair or the STD. My question is, do I tell him about the affair and the STD or not?

Yes, you do...and immediately. He has the right to know of the problem in his marriage as well as the STD.

You have my sympathies, lady.

Thank you. I just don't know if God wants me to be the messenger. I'm having conflicting thoughts.

if you don't tell her husband, who do you think will? she's not going to. wouldn't you want her husband to tell you if the tables were turned?

mlhb

I'm sorry for your situation.

Put yourself in OWH's shoes - if he'd found out about the STD first - wouldn't you want him to tell you? If there's any chance that he doesn't have it yet - telling him ASAP will possibly prevent him from getting it.

Ditto about the affair - wouldn't you want to know?

The other person's spouse can be a powerful ally in ending the affair.

JinGA

JGS, of course you should tell her H about the affair and the STD. That would be the decent, Christian thing to do. It would be evil to not TELL the man.

Would you even be asking this question if your neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him? It is even more imperative that you tell the man about this because his health is in danger.

How do I do this? I don't know this man...or his temper! Should I give him names? Should I give him all the information I know? Should I have him contact me? What? I have his home phone# and address. What do I say? I've known about the affair for 15 months and the STD for 13 months. I have promised my husband I wouldn't contact him, but also said if he were to contact me, I would tell him everything I know. I'm really trying to "let him go" (my husband)! Is this letting him go? My husband has agreed to marriage counceling, but we haven't started that...this will probably set that way back! I was hoping she would tell him, but of course, that hasn't happened! My councelor thinks maybe I shouldn't be the messenger.
P.S.(this is my first time to be in a discussion forum, I'm I doing it right, or do I make a new post everytime I want to write something?)

Keep all on this post. It is easier for us to read and keep track of you.

If you later have a question on a different topic, then it may be wise to do a separate post.

As to your question, I don't understand. Your H is having an A (that makes him a WS - wayward spouse).

Who do you want to give names to? Who has the temper.

Please clarify.

Thanks,
L.

The H of the woman my WS is having an affair with. He doesn't know about the affair or STD! I don't know him or what he might do with this information.
Thanks for your help.

Your responsibiity is to tell. What he does is up to him. Dr. Harley says that the only time one might NOT want to expose immediatly is if there is a threat of physical harm or proof that a family member might be in imminent danger.

Do you know of either? If not, then expose the fastest way possible.

For me, I called OWH at work, told him of his wife and my husband's affair, confirmed his work address (and that he--- not an assistant--- would open mail marked 'personal') and then mailed a package of undisputable proof of what I had told him.

There are other ways, though so ask for specific help if you want more input. (BTW, I wish I had exposed much much sooner.)

Best wishes.

Ace

Do I give him my H name? Do I tell him everything I know or just that his wife has had an affair with my H and now we have an STD? My H and the OW (offending wife - is that what that means?)are afraid of what he might do if he finds out.
Thank you for your advice.

Whether you disclose your H's identity or not is up to you. What you can do is to notify OW's H as an anonymous party. If he wants to confirm, give him a safe way to contact you. Let him know that since you don't know him you have to be careful.

Even if that info would fall into Ow's hands, you can still be relatively safe. Yes, it is a risk no matter what. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But for many it is a risk worth taking.

If you are still scared, find someone who is willing to be the intermediary with OW's H for you. Don't meet with OW's H unless it is in a safe and neutral environment and with some of your support group with you. Don't want to scare him off so keep it a small meeting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Remember he c/b hurt also.

L.

I will have to get a plan together. I think telling OW's H will send my H straight to the lawyers...will someone please remind me again - I am not responsible for his choices? Please pray for strength and God's guiding hand though this process. Thank you.

Remember you can't control the actions of a WS. Go get your legal counsel as well so you know your rights.

Imagine him going to his lawyer.

Ws: I need to file against my W.

Lawyer: What grounds.

WS: Irreconcilable differences.

Lawyer: Can you be more specific.

WS: Yes, she will not support me having an Affair.

Lawyer: Are you having an Affair?

WS: No. I live with the OW.

Lawyer (snickering): So Mr. WS, you believe that being leglly married and living with an OW does not constitute you having an A?

Ws: Yes.

Lawyer: Ok.....well there are a few things we need to deal with. This is a no fault state so while adultery can't be a grounds for divorce, it can be a sited reason. Are you prepared for the judge to know this?

WS: Of course! I mean.... what do I stand to lose if I do?

Lawyer: A lot. Financially and legally speaking. I can't advise you in the moral and ethical aspects.

WS: Well I don't want the BS and family to get all they should have coming. I want me to have it all and them to have nothing because they won't support my A.

Lawyer: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> do you have $$ to pay if this is contested?

Ws: Yes....well no.... can't the BS pay? It's her fault.

Lawyer: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Let me get back to you on the fees. You will need to cooperate with my instructions and recommendations. Will you do that?

WS; Sure.... as long as you will give me everything.

Lawyer: We'll see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Bye Mr. WS.

Ws: Bye.

Ok, can you remember this scene? This will help you see WHY you need to get a plan and stick with it. PRONTO!!

L.

Call the man up or drive to his house and give him ALL THE FACTS. He has a RIGHT TO KNOW your h's full name. You should not do this anonymously as YOU ARE NOT A COCKROACH, but you are a GROWN, DECENT WOMAN. The only one who is the COCKROACH is your H and the OW, who are hiding under a ROCK. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE AND SHOULD NOT HELP THEM HIDE.

Anonymous reports are only for cowards and cockroaches, and can be easily dismissed. If you do this anonymously all the OW has to do is laugh it off and the OWH has NO RECOURSE and will never know the truth because he has no way of proving otherwise.

Be DECENT and go tell the man the truth, JGS. Then be sure and tell your H you have done this so he knows you are WOMAN of CHARACTER AND DECENCY who will do the right thing.

This will give your H an opportunity to act like a REAL MAN and go and apologize to his victim personally. This is what your husband would want to do if he has recovered and if he is a MAN.

But by helping your H and his honey hide this secret from their victim, you become an ACCESSORY TO THE CRIME. Do, the decent thing and go tell the man.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yet they weren't too "afraid" to have an affair, were they? Good grief... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I haven't learned the lingo yet. Does OW mean 'other woman'? If it is, the OW still lives with her unsuspecting H (18 years married) and my H is in an apt. because I "PUT HIM OUT". But I get what your saying...I think maybe my H hasn't filed for divorce yet because he knows his A and STD could possibly be revealed to the OW's H if I contest it. Might as well reveal it now and get him off the fence! I appreciate your scenario.

No problem with acronyms and such. Here is a link to a list of the acronyms used here on MB.

Click Here

Now...tell us how you’re going to let the OWH (other woman’s husband) know about the evil that has intruded into his marriage, okay? Lady, don’t try to develop a fancy plan or try to find the perfect moment and method of delivery. There isn’t any right time and there’s no great way to get this done. Ma’am, just take a deep breath, and do it, okay?

Thanks so much for the list, VERY HELPFUL!!!!

I just tried calling OWH house and got a recording. I didn't leave a message and used *67 to block my #. So much for being brave!!! I will try again after I find my heart and lungs!

I'm angry I'm the one having to do this!

You were more than BRAVE, you were SMART. If you had left a message, the OW just has to delete it and then the OWH will never know. And because you were smart enough to disguise your # she will not know you called.

You are BRAVE, JGS! Keep on trying! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />