I really would like my H to make some "promises."<BR>ie.<BR>"It won't happen again."<BR>"I will never leave you."<BR>"Our marriage is for thick and thin."<BR>"I will renew our vows."<P>Any of these promises would be nice to hear from him, but he will not "commit"to any of them. He does not even like the word "commit." Says it reminds him of straight jackets and men in white coats! I really feel I need something along these lines said or written to me for the security that is missing in our marriage. He says that to stay "open and honest" with me he cannot promise that our future will always be such that he would want to promise to stay with me forever, or that there may be a time that he meets another person who he would feel strongly about getting to know better. I have asked that he at least clue me in if such a situation or person should occur in our lives or at least divorce me first. He says these kinds of promises are not realistic. The closest we have come to an agreement is that neither one of us wants to settle for a relationship that is not at least "good," preferably "great." and that we will both do our best to keep it that way.<P>Anyone else have this kind of discussion with their spouse? Am I "needing" something that is or is not covered in the ten basic needs or is this just something I "want." <P>It really is a sore spot with me that I need to get past so any thoughts on the subject will be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks,<BR>Beth

Beth,<P>I've been on both sides of the fence, betrayed and betrayer, and I do know what you're talking about - yes, from both sides. One thing to remember, time heals, for both of you. He is being honest and you need to respect that. Would you want him to lie and say he can promise those things and then you feels a false sense of comfort that only blows you further out of the water when he blows it? <P>When my H strayed, he couldn't promise those things AT FIRST, but later, he was able to. We also had a marriage renewal FIVE YEARS afterward. Now he's saying he wants us (him and me) to do it again since I was unfaithful. It's been four months since it's been over for me, and I would still hesitate to answer your questions. I could say, yes, I promise to:<P>Try my hardest to put this marriage back together<P>Try to find the love that was lost between us<P>Learn the emotional tools to use instead of running away<P>Learn to talk to H instead of girlfriends or (god forbid) men<P>So, do you see what I mean? Right now, I could no more say "I'll never leave you" than my H could. And from his side, which is your side right now, if you had to live your life as it is right now, is this the way you would want it forever? Of course not. This place doesn't feel good for either spouse. Things have to change. One of those changes will be a renewed committment, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.<P>Hang in there, and give this - give HIM - time to sort through this. Are you guys in counseling? It really can help. And praise your H for his honesty... that s worth SO MUCH!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Pilot's Wife,<P>Hi. I've seen your posts around alot, but I've never replied. But this subject is one that I've thought about alot, and it prompted me to say something.<P>I'm having exactly the same struggles as your husband. It's very hard for me to say that I know I'll spend the rest of my life together with her. I don't know if I really still love my wife enough to commit to that. My commitment is to stay and try my best to be a good husband. And I did promise that if I ever started feeling like I might be attracted to someone else that I would first tell her about it.<P>I think you should probably slack off from the demands that your husband make a promise. At this point, it might be a love-buster. I realize that it is a big need for you, but it might be doing more harm than good...<P>On the "vaughan-vaughan" website, they say that it can take up to TWO YEARS for a couple to actually realize that they want to stay together the rest of their life. How long has it been for you two? Perhaps you can muster up just a little bit more patience?<P>--andy

Beth, <BR>I have read some of your posts, and quite frankly I am amazed that you have been able to endure what you have from your husband. After what your husband has done, including the photos, I think that he really needs to commit to you, and sincerely repent of his past actions. <P>Think about it, this man has openly flaunted his violation of your marriage vows, and now refuses to resolve not to do this again. I believe that any marriage can be saved, but the wholehearted commitment of both partners is required. With an explicit refusal to commit to the future of your relationship, I would question your husband's willingness to make your marriage a success. <P>If you are not presently in counseling of some kind, I would suggest that you begin as soon as possible. If your husband will not participate, then go alone. If you do not know who to use, I suggest you try the telephone counseling provided by this site. Be as nonconfrontational as possible, but as firm as needed in letting your husband know that a successful marriage will require his full cooperation. <P>May the Lord Bless you and Keep you.

Beth - I am in amazed agreement with the responses to your post. I can only add that vows and promises are only as good as the will to back them up. When all of us got married, we and our spouses promised to be faithful and where did that land many of us? From what I've read on this forum, it sounds like those of us who were betrayed took these vows seriously and our betrayer spouses didn't (or at least, not seriously enough). I've put a lot of thought into why some people don't seem to be able to do this and I still can't understand it. I'm sure all of us have broken more minor promises than we care to remember (know I have). But marriage vows ARE sacred and morally binding.<P>Anyway, I also find a lot of hope for you in the fact that your H is at least being honest about not making those promises right now. And agree with Sheryl that maybe you should work on finding some that are, well, maybe a little less absolute. I know from reading your other posts, that you're working extremely hard to heal your marriage in the face of great difficulties. You also have a lot of great ideas for how to do this, including some really good ones for putting the romance back in marriage. Maybe you should start with this first (sounds like you are) and when you've really got that H of yours "hooked on romance," THEN maybe spring the heavy promise stuff! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Thanks for responding guys. I really do appreciate your points of view, all four of you. I know what you are saying and will try to act accordingly. <BR>More later, not much time now.<BR>Thanks again.<P>Beth