And I only put up with you back then because I am more stubborn...*snicker*

And btw Froz...I've been beating sdguy and LilSis over the head with the Language of Letting Go - I think SL got it too because she is a glutton for punishment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think I used both the Townsend Boundaries book and the Language of Letting Go when I was separated from my husband. The boundaries book was eyeopening.

Don't mind me babbling away here...I think its the paint fumes going to my brain. I've been painting my bedroom!

I LOVE painting (like the fumes, too)! What color?

The Boundaries book was an eye opener for me also. Amazing how almost everything in life can be reduced to boundaries. I also really like the authors' writing style...easy to understand and I love the way they tie everything together neatly with biblical references.

Color...its "Hemp Rope" - consensus on the color reached by POJA. LOL. Its a dark beige...with almost a hint of green. I painted the trim bone white and it just pops. It's a very grown up color - far nicer than the plaster pink that the room used to be!

mmm beige is the wrong word. It's closer to mocha.

That's funny. That sounds like the same color as my bedroom. Ralph Lauren Burlap...kind of a khaki color with a hint of green.

My, aren't WE grown up!!!

SL,

Reading that old thread gives me the same feeling I get when I look back at pictures of me in high school...with big 80's hair, a Madonna wannabe with braces...I LOOK SO STUPID!!!

I went back and read that portion of the thread and I *think* I understand what BR was talking about now, though I definitely didn't at the time.

The source of my unrealistic expectations were my own DJ's. As far as where I learned it...dunno, really, but it goes waaaayyyyy back.

On wildhorse's thread, BR said this:



If you haven't read the book Changes That Heal (also by the Boundaries guys)...life changing book for me...that is precisely what they said.

Let me find it and I'll quote it...

<Let's see. His Needs, Her Needs, assortment of Imago books, every ADD book imaginable...AHA! Changes That Heal!>

"Sometimes, as a result of past pain and injury, wounds go underground. They became pushed outside of time and into a place where they could not experience certain years with their true self.

When an aspect of a person does not enter into time, this person's emotional maturity will stagnate at this level.

Stagnation is seen often in people who abuse substances such as drugs and alcohol. Their emotional development likely stopped at the age they began to escape life through substance abuse. One cannot grow when one no longer participates in life."

There is a quote from the book that addresses this that I have in my sig. line:

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." (Eph. 5:13-14)

I love that.

My unrealistic expectations, my DJ's or distorted thinking patterns, I think came from a wound I received on Day 1 - the day my birth mother placed me for adoption.

So I suppose that would mean that in many ways, my emotionally maturity was stagnated at the level of a 1 DAY OLD INFANT!!! Pretty scary.

The beliefs that I held from that injury were that people who leave you, abandon you, betray you...it's because they don't love you. The reason they don't love you is because you aren't good enough. If you were good enough, they wouldn't be able to resist you. So, if they leave, it means that you weren't "shiny" enough. Because little babies are sweet and cute and irresistable...ESPECIALLY to their mothers. So if your mother leaves you on the day you are born, you must have been the OPPOSITE of irresistable! You must be very easy to resist or she wouldn't have made that choice.

So conversely...people who DO love you will always want to be with you. They will never abandon you or betray you.

As a child and even into adulthood, if I *felt* abandoned or betrayed, then came the onslaught of my beliefs...

You don't want me.
You don't love me.
You would want me if I were good enough.
You would love me (by my definition) if I were good enough.

Do you see the symbiosis in my beliefs? This was a clue to me about what stage this injury occured. Because that's what infants believe...that "mommy and me are one and the same" kind of belief.

These distortions made it very difficult for me to distinguish property lines. It took a very long time for me to understand and really BELIEVE that someone else's choices were not about me. It's still hard sometimes and takes conscious effort on my part.

I'm beginning to understand and believe that PWC's choices were not about me, and still are not.

Childhood, OY, what another story altogether. Isn't it always the poor childhood saga? Oh, whoa is me, my daddy beat my mommy, so my mommy left my daddy. I never heard from him, even though he knew where we lived ALWAYS. Mommy had to work all of the time, so when I had time with her, I SOAKED it up, for fear that it wouldn't happen again. I knew mommy was on her own with three kids and had to work, so I DEALT with it. Then, enter stepfather #1, who joined the army and moved us all from Atlanta GA, to Germany! Oy, I could go on and on.

PWC, well, he was persistent. He looked at me a certain way, and I melted. His eyes were always smiling AT me. It felt good that he was fully ENAMORED of me. I had control, or did I? hmmmmm, very interesting. I learned about his HORRIBLE childhood drama

*his mother gave him up for adoption to her parents, then proceeded to have ANOTHER family,
*his dad abandoned him ALSO, then killed himself a few years ago,
*his natural mom killed herself with alcohol two years ago,
* his grandmother --MOM--had ALS, died a few more years back,
*his grandfather --DAD-- died from metastatic lung cancer
*His MOM took him along as an excuse to see her OM, saying that she took PWC out.
*PWC ended up telling DAD about the affair

I was his SAVIOR. THE GOOD THING in his life. I was SOMEBODY special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Now, I'm trying to figure out who I am SEPARATE from all of that. Peeling those layers back is scary. I'm finding anger for my mother that did not exist before. I still love her to bits, and wish nearly every day that I could see her again, if just for one hug, one moment, but I have anger. I'm not supposed to be angry, she had to endure so much.

WEll, enough about me, how are your psychoses holding up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and I ordered microsuede in a camel color to cover one wall in my bedroom. I'm going to paint the remaining walls a very similar color, with a BONE colored paint for trim. I will then decorate with rich colors, reds, deep browns, sexy purples.

The room is still the color it was when PWC's mom had ALS and spent every moment in that room. It's a peach color with cream trim. It's not very grown up.

Oh, my daddy was an alcoholic and also died due to complications stemming from cihrrosis. I never knew him, but his mark on my older siblings in undeniable. His mark on me is a bit different, I believe. Same same but different.

AND ANOTHER THING...

I feel eerily calm right now, and I want to thank you and BR for helping me to accomplish some insight into how to begin personal recovery.

Mimi has been very instrumental in getting me to focus on me. I still lose it, and I recognize that I will do it again, but I KNOW how to get back on track now, so thank bunches.

Ahhhh...a fellow I'llsavehimfromhimself Rescuer!

I enjoyed it too, SL.

Let's do it again, shall we ladies? Next time I'll bring mojitos and nail polish in a not very grown up color.

An update of sorts:

Patriot is, at this very moment, at his first IC appointment.

He alo made the appointment with Steve and it is scheduled for Thursday.

Step 1 of Steve's plan - The Why, has been accomplished and I have accepted it.

I am very proud of him for taking these steps. He is smart, he is strong (and doggone it...people like him) and I KNOW that he is capable of accomplishing anything he chooses to accomplish.

Froz, I'm glad to hear he is taking steps. You are prepared for things to get worse...much worse....right?

HUH?????

What are you talking about???

(I guess that would be a "no").

Anytime someone tries to learn something new...

they usually stumble around and make mistakes, and typically get it 180 degress incorrect!

Have you ever noticed that someone new to setting boundaries does so by ultimatum (trying to control others)?

If Pat genuinely steps up to do change how he approaches you...its not going to be better for awhile - not until he figures out what he is doing.

Depends on what they are trying to change.

If they are deemed controlling they may give up all control.

If they are deemed to be too hot headed they may under react.

Don't get all bunched up until you see it.

I will agree a little though. I was a CA that turned into a conflict finder for a while.

I was in a perpetual state of conflict for a little while. Then it evened out some.

Thanks for the warning.

We had a great day yesterday. He was very open and emotionally available and I caved on my emotional distance boundary - don't know if that was the positive thing or the negative thing to do in the long-term view of things.

It's done now, but I want to be very careful because if I withdraw again it will hurt him very much. I told him that I would not withdraw unless he "wasn't safe" again. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to allow myself to be drawn back in, only to have him drag his feet on Recovery again. I'm more interested in permanent solutions than what feels better right now.

This would be so much easier if he would just tell me what he is willing to do and then honor that agreement or tell me he isn't willing so I could make my decisions accordingly.


Yes. I have noticed that someone who is learning new behaviors often swings to the extreme other end of the spectrum until they get some practice and learn a healthy balance. Is that what you mean and are advising me to prepare for?

Like...if he is learning to deal with his anger openly, he might Angry Outburst me for a while, etc...?

If so, I have considered these things and have the skills to practice good boundary-setting and enforcement.