yes. that's exactly what I mean.

I think you have the skills too...just wanted to be sure you weren't blind sided.

I appreciate the heads-up. I did think about that a little and my plan to deal with it is to use appropriate/applicable boundary enforcement -

dishonesty = emotional distance

angry outbursts = end of discussion (and of course the ever-popular 'leave the room') until he is ready to have a respectful discussion.

If any discussion becomes heated to the point of physical, I have informed him that I will call the police and have him removed from the house/put in jail.

In addition to that, I will not allow myself to be drawn in or react to any LB on his part, nor will I take it personal or as a sign of some failing on my part...none of that whole "'if only I were better, he would think I deserved to be treated better, so I must be worthless" stuff.

On a side note, we received news this week that Patriot's dad has lung cancer and is going to have surgery on Monday. As Patriot has mentioned previously, he lost his mother when he was 9. Obviously that was very traumatic for him and I am so praying that his dad will be okay. If you could say some prayers for him, I would really appreciate it.

prayes on the way.

just curious about the "physical" boundary....

is this a real issue?

A little bit.

I never knew you had a child with ADHD.

yes. I have a teenager with ADHD.

What is a "little bit"?

Sometimes when we have had discussions that have gotten heated, if I tried to leave the room or end the conversation, he would do something like grab me and shake me. He has never hit me. This has happened maybe once every few months and only since D-Day.

Mine liked to stand in my way so I couldn't leave the room. He wouldn't touch me, but would step in the way so I couldn't leave. Made me want to belt HIM!

Fox

Not much of an updated update, but:

We had the session with SH last week.

He seemed to me to be of the opinion that we were overthinking the 'why'. Just what I need...one more person adding their name to the You Think Too Damn Much list.

That's okay. I won't say that it wasn't worth the effort (for me, anyway) because it was information that is helpful to me.

But Steve has a different direction in mind and I am willing to participate in that route also. He is simplifying it to a basic "didn't protect your weaknesses".

My little side argument, just because I want to...

That doesn't seem to me to be a real answer to WHY. To me, that seems more like it answers the question of HOW, not WHY.

In my opinion, if I can look at the answer and still be able to ask WHY...it's not a full or complete explanation. And of the answer "I didn't protect my weaknesses", I can still ask a thousand WHY'S.

I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me.

So fine...Steve has given Patriot a new assignment. Something about learning what his weaknesses are and how to protect them. He recommended that Patriot make an appointment for the latter part of this week.

Patriot also has his 2nd appointment with IC.

As for me, I am feeling impatient today. I am also questioning if all of this is really worth it to me.

I'm also wondering who wrote the subject line - Previews of coming 'detractions'?

I have no idea what that even means but it's been nagging at my brain for about 2 weeks so I'm just gonna ask.

Who wrote that?
What the heck does it mean?

Froz...

Because the answer IS that simple.

The reason he had an affair was because he failed to protect you from his weakness.

Period.

All the other whys are reasons to excuse the behavior on his part...and feeding your fear response (control) on your part.

The why might be interesting...

but the bottom line is- if he takes steps to protect you NOW, why is not so important.

Yeah, well...3 years is an awfully long time to wait.

but you CHOSE that.

you did not have to wait, you volunteered for it.

Yes. I know. I don't regret it. It would have been worth it if it would have worked out.

Okay, here is a conflict that I am looking for a way to resolve.

I'll try to explain it as best I can.

Here is an example:

Husband is angry with Wife because he thinks that Wife thinks/feels something he thinks that Wife believes something. Husband feels very angry about this.

Husband decides to be open with Wife about his feelings, so he tells her of them. Wife tells Husband that what he thinks she thinks/feels/believes is not accurate. As a result, Husband feels invalidated and as though his feelings don't matter.

How can this be resolved???

Look for clarification.

Why do you think I feel ________?

What things may I have said or done that have led you to feel that I feel ______?

Along the lines of what graplin posted, also make it CLEAR how you do feel, about the thoughts that he his feelings over what you are supposedly feeling, that is making him feel angry...or somthing like that.

Just be clear about what you know, YOU and your feelings, let his be his.

Hmmm...

How come I can't just NOT be DJ'd and then he wouldn't HAVE these feelings about when he ASSUMES I'm thinking and feeling?

How about NO DJ as a solution?

You can't NOT be DJ'd, because you can't control anybody but you.

No DJ is great!!! Now, if you can get that good boy to sit and roll over, I'd like to see that, too!!!

I tell you what, Froz, I soooo get how you are feeling about this. The answer is, you can correct him and move on, but he's ALREADY made a DJ, right? It's done. Correct his ASSUMPTION. Without trying to teach him a thing or two, remind him that he may be able to avoid anger over things you MAY OR MAY NOT be FEELING, by just asking you questions. Remind him that you will answer honestly, and that he will not always like the answer, but it will be your truth.

Accept that you cannot make him NOT DJ you. It's up to him to respect you; it's up to you to garner that respect.

Well, what I hear him continually saying is that he feels like his feelings don't matter. Just today I think I finally understand what he means.

When he tells me the feelings he has as a result of his DJ, he hears me telling him that they are wrong. That isn't exactly the message I was trying to send, though. I was trying to say that the assessment he is basing his feelings on is not accurate.

I certainly don't want to tell him that his perceptions are wrong, but can he really have perceptions about what I am thinking and feeling???

So he says that he feels torn because I want honesty and openness from him badly, but when he is honest with me about how he feels, the outcome is not good - meaning he hears me telling him that his feelings are wrong.

I DO correct the DJ by telling him that his assessment of what I am thinking/feeling/believing is not accurate.

I probably do not "move on" so well. I am afraid to. I am afraid that he will see that as not caring about his feelings even more. I don't WANT him to be angry because when he is angry...the end result is that I usually get hurt in one way or another.

I just hoped that there was some sort of solution to this that would be satisfactory to both of us.

I would like to not be DJ'd.
He wants his feelings to matter.

Maybe I AM being invalidating...but is it invalidating to tell someone that what they are feeling as a result of their judgment about you is wrong??? I mean, if he weren't judging me...he might not even feel that way to begin with.