H4,
I don't mind any typo's...except the ones I make myself.
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"LA...You make some very good points, but what I can't figure out is how to not react when I am feeling attacked and feel like i'm being told i'm a bad person. I feel so beat down by the somewhat verbal abuse that I don't think he deserves me to be rational. I know that is a big LB but i'm fed up and it is so hard to be the bigger person."
The key to respect is stating, not demonstrating.
"I feel attacked right now" -- that's ownership. Doesn't mean he's doing it...means you're feeling attacked and that's valid. It's yours. We are only half of all communication...our perception is half...own that half. You know you can feel attacked when you are not being attacked. I'm asking you to learn how to hear the difference...to put a hopper on your head...and not take into your beautiful mind...what is NOT yours. To hear others' opinions as opinions...as their sharing...not as your responsibility.
You have enough on your plate...we all do...our half of perception and choice of perspective takes full concentration...to know, understand...and to NOT react to...to act from where those signals are coming from.
You can choose to give yourself permission to say "Ouch." If you practice this one word enough, and say it, it states, not demonstrates...doesn't say where the pain is coming from...says there is pain.
Doesn't take a superhuman...takes you revoking your permission to react...to demonstrate (act out or in your anger) instead of stating it. Stating your truth is the antidote you've been looking for...because it shares who you are, what you feel (self-validating) and doesn't say, "You are attacking me"...because then you are not a safe partner.
Only you can make yourself into a safe partner. I did this by putting an imaginary hopper on my head...after I learned how devastating DJs were to myself and my half of relationships. This hopper was like a strainer...and while I listened and repeated what my DH shared, I wouldn't let his words come into my head until I was set on what was his truth, what was my truth...separate from The Truth.
I began the listen and repeat verbatim...sharing back exactly what I heard...and was surprised how much my own filter twisted my DH's words. After we both got really good at this, we moved on to listen and repeat with filter...which means as I'm repeating, I'm saying what my filter is hearing and what I'm feeling.
In the beginning...I would listen and repeat and wait to get all of what DH was saying...the repeat is an offer for him to confirm I heard him correctly or to clarify. Only after he was satisfied I heard all of his stuff correctly, then I would state my own stuff...using only "I" statements...so I could stay in my clear zone of what was my stuff (my truth) and not stray into his.
Cut my reactivity in half and more...no longer did I really feel attacked after doing this. Cut way down on my own urge (which is MINE) to retaliate, hurt back. This process to strive first to understand, then be understood, made a huge difference in my life. Suddenly, I wasn't defective...didn't devalue my power, my choice by thinking "I can't help it." "LBs are normal, reasonable, given my stress level." Those ways of thinking kept me believing I was weak, emotional and irrational...rather than as I really am (as humans truly are)...that we choose to act on our weaknesses by choosing to react instead of act.
To assume instead of know or not know.
To live in reactive fantasy instead of safe reality.
You can hear someone say the words, "You are a bad person!" and not react...if you first choose to confirm and clarify, "Did I hear you correctly? You said I am a bad person?"
And then, confirm inside you do not believe that of yourself...all the way through. You know you can do harm...all humans are capable. We can DO bad, we cannot BE bad.
Up to you to choose what you believe. If you believe deep in your heart that your H is a BAD person, then you will feel great pain when he states his OPINION in those words about you.
If you do not believe humans can be bad, just act horrendously at times...this won't stab you.
Takes time, practice and awareness...not self-control, restraint, stuffing your emotions down...takes time, practice and awareness.
Read Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" to get really clear on what is and what isn't abuse. Saying the house looks disgusting is NOT verbal abuse...though it's poor communication. Stating, "I feel angry right now because I see our home as looking disgusting. I feel antsy and ignored, unsafe." That is NOT verbal abuse.
What was a huge time for me was realizing how much I verbally abused my family...as well as nailing down some really surprising abuses...like silence, forgetting, mockery.
"I feel so beat down by the somewhat verbal abuse that I don't think he deserves me to be rational."
You have made him your god. Please reconsider. He's your equal. If you honestly believe you base your choices, your actions, your own boundaries on what HE deserves or not...then you are fed up with being a slave by choice...your own choice. Not his doing at all. If you believe it's reasonable to beat your H down verbally, with LBs...then you have given him license to do the same to you. For your boundaries are around HIM not you right now, which is causing a heckuvalot of pain, suffering, anger, frustration and zapping your energy and clarity.
Because you've chosen to believe others make YOU act and react...so you don't live up to your own boundaries on your behavior...and you spend all your time in trying to MAKE them live up to yours.
I remember. Just one terribly pain-filled road, that one.
Please choose differently. It's a choice, not a condition.
If you won't become a bigger person because THAT'S WHO YOU REALLY ARE...for you...then understand that others limit you...and that's a really tough way to live with any other human you want a relationship...with your children, your parents...friends...anyone. Ouch.
You don't owe your H anything...you owe YOURSELF to hold to the vows you took...because that's what YOU chose to do. "I didn't have to explain what I had done that day instead of cleaning where he thought I should have been." Instead of "I don't owe you an explanation" this second sentence would have been a way to communicate respectfully.
"I don't want to explain what I've done today in the way of cleaning. I'm hearing in your statements and assuming from your body language that I am not doing it right. That I'm bad, wrong and messed up. Is that what you're saying?"
Because he wasn't asking you for an explanation...you heard that in your head. Doesn't mean he's saying it...honestly, you don't know what his statement meant from his perspective, do you? That happens when we react...we don't get the other's truth...we cut off intimacy, of hearing...loss of privilege comes from reactivity. Grows us further apart. And we're choosing to do it. Not something, like rain, happening to us.
Do you hold yourself to being respectful and sharing openly and honestly with your H, not based on his possible response? Hold yourself to it because that's who you really are...and O&H is a high EN to you?
Do you admire yourself for acting the way you do in your marriage?
You can...you can grow in love with yourself through each choice you make...and take really great care of your half of the marriage in doing so.
"How do you leave the anger out when you feel attacked and belittled? This is what I struggle with."
Here's how...you state it..."I believe you are attacking me (identify discounting, disparaging, defining). I'm feeling flooded with anger right now. I'm going to remove myself from this discussion for 20 minutes to get myself settled down so I can really hear what you're saying."
And you choose to do this...because YOU feel flooded...and you remove yourself to another room, you breathe those deep breaths, and you really hear what he said and hear what YOU heard...separately.
Your choice. Predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements. They will not protect you if you don't hold YOURSELF to doing them...owning your own feelings, your beliefs, your thoughts, your choices...if you believe your H is making you feel, think, believe and perceive...then boundaries aren't real.
They can't be. So you cannot enforce them. When you attempt to, you'll back down, escalate, go off on a tangent from what is really going on--and you'll discount, disparage and define your partner...tit for tat.
We choose what we believe.
Determines how we experience our lives.
"When I notice he is fighting with his issues I try to give him the space to either get past it or come to me about it. I try not to get mad because I can see that he is "working" on it. Usually I would get the "how dare you" attitude going and react before he had a chance work through it and handle it rationally. I am working on the negative interpretation, sometimes better then others."
What if he's not working on his issues...what if your choice to either withdraw or acknowledge was solely based on your own code...what you held yourself to? "I'm thinking you're working on an issue right now. I have the urge to remove myself because I believe my presence is a pressure. My goal is to not assume anything about you...would you like me to remove myself for the next hour or to stay present and listen to you? I can do either of these without resentment."
Do you mean by "his issues" his stuff? So you really can hear what is his and what is yours, separately?
"How do you love so much then treat someone with such disrespect in the blink of an eye sometimes? This is an ongoing problem." You tell me...you have done this to your H, also. Does that mean you don't love him, or was the disrespect coming from you, about you, about your own beliefs and permissions?
What if his belittling statements come from his FEAR...not love? Why are YOU equating them with a gauge on his love? Why are you judging your H when you are hurting so much from him judging you? Belittling defines who another person is...doesn't make it true...check your own defining of him...and you'll halve your pain right there.
Do you belittle yourself? Do you do so from your choice to love yourself or to punish yourself from fear?
We choose to disrespect, to harm, disregard, discount, define...for a reason. First you say in your post you guys don't do tit for tat...and then, seemed to me, you got where you really do...what did you learn? That loving is a choice...which we can continue in our heads when we do not FEEL it in our heart at the moment. We remember we love, anyway. Difference is...if you base your choice of action on HIS reaction (possible or actual)...then you are betraying yourself, living a life determined by your feelings which is determined by his reactions...and you're set for basically the same dance...a spiral...
Which is what happens when we choose to act from how we feel in the moment, and not directly from what we know we believe.
So I'm asking you about your beliefs...if you hurt terribly because it's good, it's good and then he snipes you with a comment...is your belief "If you loved me, you wouldn't do that."?
Verbal abuse can escalate, over time, to physical abuse. Both of you are vulnerable to that...meaning, you could become physically abusive to him. And yes, the permissions of his FOO definitely point to him escalating to physical abuse, as well.
Not like an illness beyond his control (or yours)...progressive permissions and choices. Changing how you communicate, your own permissions and your goals...well, that changes your relationship, doesn't it?
You don't know what you want because you feel numb...so you're in an awesome place to NOT choose your life from your feelings...which is really healthy. Stop and think...ponder...go to what you believe, not what you feel. Because we, as humans, can bear huge anger at OURSELVES for our own choices, (feel HATRED, frustration, fear) for ourselves from our own choices...and think it's our partners CAUSING us to feel, therefore, we choose to act towards our partners based on our feelings...the spiral continues...
Get in reality, H4...you are smart, capable, and lost right now in hardened resentment from lack of respect. You can inject respect instantly into your life by choosing to act from it...to put that hopper on your head...trace your feelings like the signals they are to the beliefs in you they are coming from...find out what you're believing...and listen to know, not to judge...so you can really understand your own dynamics, change yourself, which changes everything.
Do you guys have a healthy way back for yourselves? When you LB, do you own your LB, state why you chose to LB, and through awareness, choose not to do that again? Amends is healing...you cannot require amends of him where you do not do them yourself.
This isn't you being bad or wrong...it's you not utilizing your own skills in healing through ownership and awareness...setting your goal to have a thriving, fulfilling, equal marriage...from respect, love and commitment. It's yours for the taking, H4. That's what I believe. Your half of the marriage is as powerful as his half. Equal, see?
Wanting to hurt back when we hurt is us being in our inner child...knowing we're not thinking in our adult mindset...we're reactive because we feel pain.
Which is why I ask you again to consider that the other side of tit for tat is giving to get...I treat you well, I expect you to treat me well. When you hurt me, I want to hurt you back. If you're happy, I'm happy; if I'm hurting, then I will attempt to hurt you back.
Which is why we don't remove the tit for tat without removing the permission to give to get. They are linked. Through our beliefs.
And learn to hear amends when they are being made. Owns what they did, why they did it and their commitment to not doing it again because that's not who they really are.
"He doesn't understand that when he comes at me with a legitimate issue in a hateful tone then I will react to that."
I believe this is an assumption. Why not choose to believe he KNOWS this. Reasonable adult knows this. What he may not known is what you consider hateful tone, hateful words...hateful anything. His tone you hate? Where are your assumptions coloring his tone? When you take his words and make them about you when they are not, you're making his tone...not him. When you listen and repeat to clarify or confirm...and I gotta tell you, the most remarkable thing to hear from my DH is, "Yes, I want to say something to hurt you right now." because it's stunning...not reactive. Stating, "I feel intense anger right now and want desperately to say something to hurt you. I'm removing myself until I deal with my anger. I'll be back in 15 minutes." Equally stunning. Changes everything. Truth does that. Shared truth is intimacy.
Which is why we can connect deeply with another human being in conflict and in intimacy...and why we cannot in withdrawal.
When you hear him attacking you...and you don't listen and repeat...then you are robbing your marriage of communication. You cut out the possibility he's projecting...that his disgust is with himself...or there's a symbol of his own disorganization, even emotional chaos, which he's working out aloud. Projection is a great tool when you get it's importance in human lives. It's a marriage-breaker when it's not recognized or understood.
Do you give yourself permission to say, "I believe I am choosing to meet your EN for DS. I am not doing that which I will resent you for because resentment smothers my loving feelings for you."
Your truth is worth sharing. Your boundaries are worth keeping. Understanding is what I see lacking...along with respect. Because that's what was in my life back then, too. When we throw away our power, we want to rant, vent, stop spiraling and doing the same painful dance. All signals that we're throwing away our power...making our partner more powerful than they are by making ourselves weaker than we are...through our own choice to focus on them more than on us. To focus on their choices instead of our own.
Clarity and understanding. Great goals. Takes you making them your goals...not about deserving, owing, not owing, not deserving. Those words are signals, too, I believe. They signal we are consumed where we have no control, no power. Signs of tit for tat, giving to get...even though those are NOT our intent...rather, they are our reality.
LA
