I had a strange feeling of mututal communication the last time she tried to force a conversation on her request for the divorce arrangements.

We spoke on the phone 20 minutes. We both refrained from any angry outbursts, althoug she was under evaluting the hurt I was going thru by her infidelity.

Has anyone heard of using the divorce process to bring back a WW in the state of withdrawl back to the state of conflict to eventuly the sate of intimacy?

Hi DLK -


I would view it as a possible side-effect of the process. I would not recommend that anyone enter into divorce with the intention of using it to bring a WS back to the marriage.

If a BS chooses divorce, it is (IMO) in the best interests of themselves from an emotional stand point to do so because they want to end the marriage, not as a gambit to bring the W back.

Thanks for your comments Healingbird,

The divorce is being forced upon me. I just think that there could be a way of using it as a tribune to state:
-The hurt of the adultery/ affaire / infidelity / betrayal in an official platform that can cut deeper into the fog.
-Stating that marriage is voluntarily made to be more stable than other types of “committed” relationships.
-Separation is a state of marriage and
-Infidelity during the separation is adultery even if the WS has filed for divorce.

I think it is terribly unfair, immoral, that the affaire partner is not even officially identified as such.

I think that is is immoral that my WW thinks that because they are out in the open about there relationship (now after I have exposed) is is not an affaire and not adultery and not disrespectful of the institution of marriage and myself, and there are many that think that way.

I believe that the divorce platform may be a place to let the betrayed spouse at the very least state his hurt. And maybe, by doing this without any anger, but by just stating the hurt, a tipping point could be reached.

Of course the divorce process is unlikely to save the marriage, but like you mentioned it could be a known side effect that can take place. I agree with you Healingbird.

DLK

DLK, is there anything "fair" when describing the effects of adultery?

We must remember that the WS is stuck in ultra-entitlement mode during their A, so the BS should not expect any signs of understanding or fairness from the WS. Maybe when the A is over and NC established the WS may start to "get it".

Don't let the mutual conversation during D discussions fool you. The WS has a plan and when it goes smoothly they will seem reasonable. My WW was the same way until she didn't quite get what she had planned for.

Has SH counceled you to be in Plan A for 2 years? How is working for you? How is your energy level ($LB)?

I am in a similar boat where I am seriously considering D with my WW after 1 year of legal separation. When I do it it will be for me and not for any effect on her.

Besides Plan B, it will be the final step to regaining full control of my life again.

Only when you let go...really let go, will you have the oppourtunity to have an effect on your WW. Unfortunately by that time it may be to late for you.

Hope this works,
As far as “fair”
I believe that some facts can be corrected.

I should call her today to tell her that I did support her financially; I just was too generous to even show her how. I was in charge of the bills.

She thinks that because she “broke up with me” days after starting her affaire it is not infidelity. … Fog…

The thing is that no one can handle the rationalisations that she puts out and frankly, I have the most invested in our marriage so others just see me miserable and want me to move on. God bless this site. Here I get real understanding and support.

Steve Harley recommends a modified plan A in the particular case of a man, with no kids and separated from wife, there will be no plan B, she is plan B’ing me anyway. The natural death of the affaire is not so likely in this case. You have your kids as logic for your marriage. I have none of that.

My energy is terribly low. Hard to stay motivated at any thing. I lost my first wife to cancer at 38 and this is worst. This is terrible for me. I don't want to play the pitiful me but it is really awful.

The Harleys (I spoke to all 3 ) recommend 2 years before divorce if that is what I want. They believe I (every BS) have the moral right to divorce her and not take her back.

I’ll need to get rid of our house. And all of our furniture. All the things she ever gave me. All the pictures I have of us, her. She is living with the OM anyway so. For the next wife it would be unfair to expose her to any of our things. … What a loss.
DLK

DLK21,

I sympathize with where you are in your relationship. I wish I had advice for you. It's been almost two years for you, so I don't know that your wife is coming back.

I don't think calling her and trying to set her straight will do very much good. She thinks she knows, she's already rewritten the marital history. It might make you feel better, but for her it will just give her something to talk about. Sort of keep the drama going, so to speak.

Can I ask you, after two years with the OM, after two years of her rubbing your face in it and not showing any sign of wanting to recover the marriage, why do you still want to reconcile? Is it religious in nature for you? Or just love? I guess after this long of trying, most people would say that you have done the work but that the other party is not going to return, that you are free to divorce her.

Why do you want her back, given her prolonged adultery and lack of indication of desire to return?

SB

I would have to agree with schoolbus in that trying to correct her will be futile. The most effective method of getting through is to reverse babble when she starts with her fogged out rationalizations.

I understand about purging any remaining memories of her as I did the same and it does help mentally prepare you for moving on.

Sorry to hear what life has dealt you knowing that it can be very cruel at times.

To be completely honest, I don't think the D will have an effect on your WW as long as she is still in contact with OM. Two years is a long time to Plan A so it may be time now. It's not an easy decision I know, but one that will eventually need addressing. It might be time to finally let go.

Well it didn't work for me - but XH was suffering from depression. I chose to file, and over a year later I chose to follow through - I had hoped that asking him to move out and starting the process would prompt him to seek help - and it did - he got treatment for his depression and that made a big difference but in the meantime we both moved on.

I know now my moving on was premature and counterproductive - we never had a shot at trying one more time with having both worked on our own stuff.

Now almost 3 years after I asked him to move, I'd like to reconcile. He doesn't want to. I ended my post-M relationship, his has ended somewhat - but not completely (his GF moved back to her home state but they are still "together" as much as 2 people can be 2000+ miles apart)... and I'm dealing with the fallout of my own choices.

Had we stayed together in the same situation we were in at that time, I really think we'd have had 3 more miserable years together - we'd had several miserable years together leading up to that, and my choice was the only way I could enforce the boundaries I'd stated - he had to know I was serious, and I couldn't turn a blind eye to things that were happening under my nose and under my roof.

I'm glad he got help- he finally CHOSE to do that and perhaps my enforcing my boundaries prompted him a bit, where asking, begging and pleading within the marital home didn't work.

I don't know if he'll ever come around - I hope he does, but it's not looking that way.

I wouldn't suggest this as a strategy except within the context of Plan B, and that doesn't need to include Plan D unless the BS wants that.

JMHO

JinGA

Don't file for divorce if you don't want a divorce. I did so and that was a mistake. I would, however, cut off her spouse privileges. She shouldn't have any access to marital assets. I made a big mistake by letting my ex keep everything.

You don't have kids so count your blessings. Plenty of awesome women out there.

"I had a strange feeling of mututal communication the last time she tried to force a conversation on her request for the divorce arrangements. We spoke on the phone 20 minutes. We both refrained from any angry outbursts, althoug she was under evaluting the hurt I was going thru by her infidelity. Has anyone heard of using the divorce process to bring back a WW in the state of withdrawl back to the state of conflict to eventuly the sate of intimacy?"

What I'm picking up on from your post is that her detachment has you worried. Sometimes it's the ability of the WS to seem so unemotionally involved with the BS that hurts the most. At least when there was some conflict there was still something going on between you.

I'm also sensing that you want her to realize how badly she's hurt you, that then maybe she will regret or even want to reconcile? You describe divorce as a way to address what she did to you.

I don't think she will get it and you will end up being even more hurt. Trying to get her to feel sorry won't work.

Getting on with your own life - a better life without her - might be more effective at getting her to realize what she's giving up. As long as she sees you're willing to wait why should she stop what she's doing? I know with my WX my faithfulness to him made him think no other man wanted me (he even told me that!)

You certainly have grounds for divorce and have waited a long time for the adultery to end. Even if she breaks up with OM, she might not come back to you. I didn't want divorce either - my WH insisted on the divorce. But now I can see (couple years after divorce final) that he's never coming back even though my WH and the OW broke up before our divorce was even final.

BTW, isn't it disgusting how exposure doesn't have that much affect sometimes? I can understand how adulterers try to convince themselves that it's not really adultery (even though they're still married) but it's disturbing how many others around them act as if it's OK (at least to the adulterer's face). Honestly I can't comprehend why adulterers even bother to get married in the first place!

I'm curious about why you're staying in Plan A so long? I wish I had found out what my WX was sooner - before we were married so long and had children together!

Thanks Brokendreams331 I didn't file, she did.

Part of me doesn’t know how to let go. But anyway, we are still married, regardless of what anyone says to the contrary.

The way our marriage played out. I just believe that our love for each other was out of shape. We put way more energy on our careers. Before she started with the OM, I was frustrated by her independent behavior with out knowing what to do to change things. She left first. I found the user’s manual to our marriage in MB. Regretfully, it is probably too late, but I’m keeping the door open because I have confidence that there is a may to restore our love and be happy together. She did not know what to do to break our pre affaire state of emotional withdrawal ether. So if the OM would but out…

I believe that it is not my role to divorce her. But it has been a long long time and without children, the logic of holding on even past the divorce is just not there. I’ll move on with a modified plan B letter.

DLK21

HopeThisWorks,

Thank you for reminding me about the Reverse Babble. I’ll try to keep it up. It is hard for me not to get cynical and to sell out to the pressure of the affaire “love” rational. I’m just holding on but I know that our odds are now low after 2 years. The natural death of the affaire is just not taking place. I’m going to step up my active presence as a man can do without harassing her.

Jennifer and Steve Harley have asked me to protect myself from other women as I am really lonely and could start an affaire on my side. That would go against my commitment and be the end of all hope for our marriage.

DLK21 302

Interesting post.