My divorce will be final in about two weeks. I have been going through the "roller coaster" of emotions.Its still very hard on me even though I have a played a huge part in the failure of our marriage.
She will be coming over this week to pick up the rest of her belongings. Should I be here when she does? How should I act? I also wonder if I should say goodbye or anything like that. I dont why im holding on!

chtd,

I can't tell you what to do. By your signature line, it appears that you're the one who betrayed your W. I have no doubt that there was plenty of blame to go around, and I'm sure you know that, so I won't re-hash that...

Let me suggest that you get to decide to live by the character you want to have. None of us is perfect. Anyone of us who lives up to our ideal of character is depraved, because the normal situation is to desire to be a better person than you actually are. I say this only to encourage you to be the man you weren't before and choose to do what's right.

What amazes me, and makes me think that there might be some measure of hope is that since you were the one who had the A, and you're the one here, it would seem to me that you're one of the few formerly wayward spouses who has truly repented of their behavior. So be the man you should have been. If your marriage must end, then step up and be a man of integrity at the end. If you must let go of her, let go of her in love: respect her, respect yourself, and be gentle to her as love would dictate behaving to one you've wronged.

If you can't be gentle (whether because of temper or because of overwhelming emotions), then protect her by giving her space. Let love dictate your actions towards her. Remember also that reconciliation need not mean restoration of your marriage. It may be that the wounds are too deep for her to be able to let you hold the place you once held, but perhaps you can reconcile into a friendship, and maybe then you two can have peace between you.

Don't take anything I'm saying as if from experience, save that I strive to behave in a manner rooted in integrity without regard to my stbxw's reaction. She was (is) the wayward spouse, and she has taken remarkable strides to vilify me and cause me pain (perhaps to justify her own behavior... I don't know). Still, I'm the one who chooses each day to live for revenge and anger or to seek to move forward and refuse to tie my future to the pains she's cause me in the past (and continues to cause me). I cannot say that I'm pleased with where my life is, but I can say that, generally, I am pleased with how I behave. I mean that in a relative sense - I am far short of the man I know I should be.

If you've apologized (and I assume you have) then you've done all that you can do at this stage. Move forward with your life as a man of integrity, and if your stbxw has any piece of her heart that is open to loving you, give that piece of her heart both time and justification to win the rest of her heart over to you. Show her, whether married to her or not, that you can be and are becoming an honorable man, and maybe she'll invite you back into her life... or maybe not. In any event, you will be happier with the man you become than the man you were.

God bless, and I'm saying a prayer for your relationship with your stbxw.

WBF

You treat her with the respect she deserves as a person.

If you haven't apologized then do so, and ask her to forgive you. You can also let her know it's okay if she can't forgive you right now, thats understandable. But do not apologize or ask forgiveness IF you really aren't repentant--it wouldn't mean a thing.

If you really are repentant and want to stop the divorce, you could ask her IF she really wants to do this or if she would like to wait and try counseling or something else, you could always divorce later if things don't change.

Thank you for your replies, they both are inspirational to me. I know what I must do, "man up" and be a better person in the future. I wish I can just figure out how to be content as a single man. I feel incredibly lonely and long for the good times I once had with the stbxw. Sometimes I think this is my punishment for what I have done, almost an emotional state of purgatory. I guess I must just go on day by day

chtd,

At least you have one luxury... You may not see it this way, but at least you know that you really did cause the chain of events that have lead to your pain. You can take comfort that there is something like justice.

Imagine the betrayed spouses who are put through ****** by a wayward spouse... not just the betrayal, but then the justifying and vilifying, and general viciousness. We have to live day by day, but we don't even get the luxury of knowing that we bought the particular ****** we're in.

Being innocent isn't so wonderful if there's no justice.

WBF

dont get me wrong I did do the whole justification and vilifying in the begining but I always maintained that I was absolutely wrong for what I did. Ive since accepted responsibility for my actions. This is what I deserve

Post deleted by chtd

Seems as f she is uncertain as to where she wants the R to go.

It is hard for our WAS to believe us when we tell them from the heart that we love them. Especially when we have spent so much time proving to them through our words and actions that we don't. Also, action speak a lot louder then words. She may not believe you when you tell her that you love her, but if you can say it to her through your actions. She may start to believe.

I think, no I know, it is possible to have a great R with your X after the D. It is funny how often I have heard people say that they get along better with their X now, then when they were married. Funny, but sad.

Thanks for your reply nugget, the stbx has acknowledged changes in me but my fear is after the D how will she be able to experience my actions or words?

I am in that exact boat right now. We have been separated for about 4 weeks now. Divorce papers are probably in the mailbox at home (I am out of state for two weeks right now). It almost seems impossible for me to think of how us being separated/divorced, will make it any easier for me to DB and show her through me actions that I love her. But, I know it is possible, not easy, but possible. I will say she is treating 100% nicer know then when we were together. Could be because I started to take everyone's advice and let her live her life and stop asking her to work things out. Hopefully with time things will turn around between us. I know I am not giving up yet.

We must stick to DB and making overall changes to better ourselves regardless of what happens in our marriages nugget. Sounds pretty cut and dry doesnt it. I wish there was a magic pill! I always feel compelled to call and beg her to come back but I know I have to let her make that decision on her own

Yeah, I agree. Talked to her tonight, when she called to talk to our son. I wanted so badly to get a temperature read and see how she is handling the separation. I know it is ****** for me. But, I held back and just asked her what she was up to and if she had done anything exciting over the weekend.

It's a real bi*ch to be able to DB and get a feel for how things are going when each lives under a different roof.

I had lunch with the stbx yesterday and it went okay. I have had this gnawing feeling since yesterday that I kind feel like its over for sure now. Its like a surreal kind of sadness coupled with a tremendous feeling of lonliness. It was like I was talking to a stranger yesterday and im pretty sure we will not reconcile. Im lonely, but I dont want to be with anyone at the same time. Its pretty horrible. I made a mistake by having an a and these are the consequences. I wish I could stop every potential A from ever happeneing again to anybody. Im just sickened by what Ive done to our life. It wasnt a perfect or even good marriage, but it was a whole lot better than this!

im not sure what to do. divorce will be final monday morning. stbx sent me a text last week "i cant believe its almost over" and we have corresponded sporatically through the week. she says she doesnt believe in me and why wasnt I like this before. She says this is tearing her up inside but she has to do it. I think she is on the fence, but I dont know what to do

well, I thought I had a chance to save my marriage. she and i talked for about 1 1/2 hours sunday. she said she was scared and unsure what to do. she said things like im not ready to forgive you right now. i suggested we adjourn the d hearing and go back to counseling. she was open to that idea for a couple of hours but then sent me a text " we have to do it, it will be good for the both of us".I have a feeling her parents talked her into proceeding with the d.

fast foward to monday morning at court , we both were crying in front of the judge. he said I dont think you two are sure you want the D. but, alas she didnt have the last second change of heart.

Now its thursday and I am having a real difficult time coping with the reality of the situation. I dont know what to do.

I agree......sounds like you two may be great candidates to get back together at a later time. God Bless.

I hope so, but what do I do in the meantime? Thats the question. I dont really want to date, not just because of the chance for reconciliation , but im not interested right now anyway.

We talked last night and she eluded to us getting back together at a later time again.

I wonder if she is doing that to keep me waiting and from getting involved with someone else.