Guys thanks. I feel embarrassed about the strength bit, I am actually one of the strongest people I know in my character and determination and I am not a weak guy physically either, not that it matters - I was just feeling sorry for myself I guess.

I was refering to physical presence. Some poeple just have that something and It seems he was one of those but it obviously wasnt enough as its his wife who instigated the divorce. Makes you wonder if she knew what he was like!

For now I am fine. There are other more needy people on this forum and you guys are doing a fine job so get to it and thank you!

jet,

I'm schoolbus, and the thread over in GQ is by OrangePearl. I made the post regarding body positioning for the woman and how to approach her husband.

It is a little different for men, however.

If you need to appear stronger to your wife, there are ways to make your body seem "larger". To do this, consider the amount of space you take up when you sit and stand. Many men who are considered "strong" by women are those who tend to take up more space when they sit or stand. To do this, stand with your feet further apart than you normally would, and hold your arms somewhat away from your body. You might want to watch other men to get an idea of what I'm talking about - John Wayne does this, as does Shaquille O'Neil. They are larger men - yes. Two much smaller men who do this and make themselves appear larger are Patrick Swayze and Mel Gibson. Take a look at how they stand.

When sitting, sit with your knees somewhat apart. This exposes the groin area - and yes, it is a tactic of masculinity and strength. (Sorry, girls!) Not too wide, because it is considered sexually aggressive and works in the reverse.

Hands should NEVER go above your shoulders when speaking, even to emphasize a point. This feminizes your speech and persona.


To make a woman feel close, sit across from her with no furniture between you. When you want to make her feel loved, lean in to her face, about 8 inches away, and hold there. Keep your voice very soft. Do not speak loudly. Tilt your head very slightly toward hers, with your chin down, eyes on her eyes.

To bring intimacy:
Touch her lips with your finger or thumb. Put her hair behind her ear with a gentle caress of a finger. Touch the bone that runs from her neck to her shoulder with one finger, very gently - this makes a woman sense her fragility and your strength. (The comparison of your finger size to this bone is important, and is usually not missed subconsciously.) You can also place your entire hand along the side of her face, very gently stroking her face downward once with the BACK of your fingers.

One more thing - if you get the chance, put your jacket or a large shirt of yours on her. Your size will be obvious, plus, your smell is on your clothing.

I hope this helps. All of the above techniques are meant to emphasize your size and strength over hers. I tried to pick them for your particular problem.

Facinating post, thanks!

Unfortunately I could not find the post you were refering to - is there a search or link I can use? I would like to read it as my wifes body language is sometimes part of the problem.

You seem knowledgable in such things so do you mind me asking; do people conciously adopt these methods or are they natrually doing this. Maybe its learned behaviour that has now become natural.

I say this because although I am average height (5' 10'') and am physically fit, I have always been a little bit what some people call 'awkward'.

I guess its all about confidence. I was very small in school and bullied quite a bit. When I was 14 my parents divorced. As a child I witnessed violent abuse of my mother by my father and it got to the stage that my brothers and sisters were terrified of our father - I still fear him now and I am over 40 years old!

I never really got to terms with this for many years as in UK we tend not to seek proffesional help although this attitude has been changing alot over the years.

I think this caused low confidence and in turn I didnt have a social life in pubs that most others did that would have enabled me to develop my social skills. As a result I used to dread going out to parties, weddings etc and do everything to avoid meeting people.

I am much better at this now of course, its just that the basic body language has remained the same and in a world that is rapidly becoming obese I yet again find myself in a siuation in pubs for instance where I feel small even though really I am just not overweight!

Your post has helped me think about this again and how it might be affecting my life. Thanks.I will try to find your other post.

Hi Jet,
I don't mean to thread jack, but after I suggested that post about body positioning and all on OP's thread, I went to look for it and found that it is gone. But since you are interested and I am also interested:

SchoolBus,
Thank you very much for stepping in here, could you post that info that was on OP's thread here?

Problem!

Wife still wants to go back to the same club and she also let slip that she only told him she wasnt ALLOWED to see him again as oppossed to SHE DIDNT WANT to see him again.

She says there is no difference between the two statements
- I disagree!

All I seem to be doing is upsetting her when I mention whats happened and in turn this makes me more and more suspicious!

She still maintains this was not an affair and she has no feelings for him. Her definition of an affair is slightly different to mine though.

Could I be wrong afterall? Was this not a full affair but something else instead?

Thats how she makes me feel- like I am wrong. She describes it a silly mistake and says she wont talk to him again.

She cant seem to accept that it wont be that easy! Its only a small club and they will see each other, pass each other and might even find themselves at the bar together.

It will start with eye contact, the next time it will be hello, the time after that he will approach her 'just to talk' and then they will agree to be friends but keep it at that and then we will be back to square one.

Who is wrong on this one me or her??? Why cant she see this or could I be wrong afterall??

Jet,

The difference is:

NOT ALLOWED: other people control me, and have told me that I can't do something *I* would do if I could, only I can't because somebody else is being mean to me and won't let me (I'm a little girl)

I DON'T WANT TO: I am in control of myself, and have made the decision to save my marriage; I am an adult and take responsibility for my poor decisions and lack of control in the past, and have decided to change my behavior and this is part of it



No contact for life: You and she need to read "Surviving an Affair together, because she doesn't understand what she has done.

You are not wrong.

She is gaslighting you, and if you believe her, it will work. What she is doing is trying to bargain with you, which is right out of the WW script. She is bargaining to get you to agree to contact with the OM, because she wants you to believe it is "innocent" and that you are "overreacting".

She is doing this because she wants to continue her affair.

Do not give in on the no contact. Period. This is an absolute.

I will go over and bump up OrangePearl's thread on GQ.

SB

That thread is absolutely just GONE.....


I even used the search, and the thread doesn't even appear????? Like it never was at all.


Lake, If you will let me know what you are needing, I can help you out. Things are very different for men vs. women, and the situation you are in may need something different. Find me on GQ, I will start a thread for you over there so we don't t/j jet's thread here.

Jet,

You will need to watch Mel Gibson on screen to see his body language when he sits and stands to understand how he positions himself generally. He is a smaller man, but presents as much larger and very strong. If you are experiencing being taken as weaker, his use of body is quite particularly good and emulating him should be very good for your situation.

Utilize the tips above for generating a sense of gentle strength in intimate moments with your wife - they do present subconscious size and strength contrasts for women, as well as show gentleness and increase contact for men to women. You will also feel closer to her by using these methods, and draw her to you as well.

You can practice using the body stances in front of a mirror,until they feel more natural. It really doesn't take much practice, because you do become more used to them when you begin changing them. Practice as you watch TV, sit at your desk at work, or in the pub with friends. Whenever you think about them, do them. As you think about them, and change your position, they ultimately become a more natural part of how you stand and sit. In about 3-4 weeks, you will find you will be doing this more frequently than before, and they will creep into your repertoire as more of a natural part of yourself, if you continually do it each time it crosses your mind, and practice daily.

In the UK, it is somewhat different for "masculinity", as there are some social class issues which constrain use of body language. It is different in the US. You would know about these, so consider it when you make changes and be aware of those. Ask me over on GQ if you have any specific questions. I might know, but can check if I'm not sure.
SB

A silly mistake? You say they saw each other every two weeks for 5 months and at the end of that period of time, she and he completed some sort of sex act...that was not full sex. And she is telling you it is a silly mistake?

She is gaslighting you as schoolbus states.

I got onto the body image stuff posted on that other thread because of what you said regarding your wife distancing herself from you as she prepares to go out with the girls. This was a big red flag for me. You say she starts distancing herself days before hand and then as she is getting ready to go out, it sounded like she was getting ready to go out on a date.

My FWH and I have rarely gone out without each other over the years. When I did, it was for some sort of girls night out birthday party or one time it was a limo ride to bars for a "shower". I never like these things. When I have gone, I show him what I will wear, aske him how I look, call him while I'm gone. After his little EA, I doubt either of us will even do the above-described behaviors. Even with the girls shower I went to, there was a boys night out scheduled. But we heard there might be a stripper. My H did not go and he caught a lot of flak for that, but we did not care.

Anyway, my point is she is conducting herself as a wayward. You are right. Trust your feelings.

Thanks I agree totally. We are about to go on holiday and I am hoping we will be able to put things to one side as much as possible and just enjoy our time together.

When we get back I will work on the going out issue. I really think that there will be some sort of compromise in the end as apart from putting our marriage on the line I will have very little leverage. I really dont want to push her too far incase she starts to think she has made a mistake coming back to me.

The other issue is that this has really upset both of us and we are both showing signs of the effects of this physically. There comes a point when we have to try and have a break from the arguments and discussions.

At least I know whats going on and how to deal with it.

In the mean time thanks to all who have replied to these posts and I hope that this might also have been some help to others.

Thanks again!