I am 27 and my husband is 26. We have been married for 2.5 years with two sons (2 years and 8 months). We dated for 4.5 years and they were great, when we got married that’s when things changed. Reading the Table of Contents for His Needs/Her Needs I see that I have been neglecting him on all counts (Sex, appreciation, etc. –but Hellooo I was pregnant back to back but no excuse) June 20 2007, I found out/he admitted that he has been having a 9 month affair with a woman (I know of) 8 years older, with 3 kids, never been married. He said he loved us both and didn’t know who to choose. I was numb. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on the marriage and to choose me. He was indecisive. The next day I had schedule counseling and at first he agreed to go. 20 mins. Before counseling he said he made his decision and its going to be her. He said actually he wants us both but since he can’t have us both- he wants her. He starts spending the night there and going back and forth from our house to hers. A week later I’m moving out my things. Now all of a sudden he wants to work on the marriage, he goes over to her house to break it off (which took all night ??!!), he comes home and then 10 hours later he decides that he doesn’t want to work on the marriage because he knows that down the road he will probably continue to see her because he’s feelings are that deep for her. So I leave, me and the kids go over to my parents. 3 weeks later, he says he misses me, misses the kids (being around all the time), and he thinks about me constantly. And that he still is indecisive. He said he tried being with her but maybe she is totally not what he wants since I am always on his mind and to have such deep feelings for me as well. Now, he says he knows he loves me but he has deep feelings for her and he’s not sure if its love or not. He is also offended that I haven’t tried fighting for him. Thinking about it I decided to fight for my married and implement Plan A, before going onto Plan B. Not to reward him with having 2 women but to help myself. If our marriage is to fail, it wouldn’t be because I didn’t try. I didn’t tell him about the Plans but I did tell him yesterday that I was going to fight for our marriage. He seemed shocked and happy. He’s on 3rd shift so while at work I sleep over my parents house (like I always do even before marriage) and then next morning I go home (8:40 am) to be with him and he's gone. I guess he got off work, came home and showered and went to her house. So here it is Sunday 5 pm and I haven’t heard from him. Question, when he does come home (I want to fuss, cuss, angry outburst but I know im not suppose too) how should I approach him, or do I play dumb??? Im so upset, Plan A has been in effect for only 24 hours and im already crushed.

I don't know whats worse...your situation or mine. I am so sorry for the yo yo string he has you on.

I have no words of wisdom...I just finished reading about the fact that there is no magic bullet...

If you want, you can e-mail me, and I will try to help you...maybe at least cheer you up.

I know some days that is what I am looking for.

I also said a prayer for you.

walkingbeauty, you may want to move this to either just found out or gen questions to get more replies from some very helpful people.

i'm like sledbabe- no words of wisdom, but i believe if you move it to one of the other threads, you will get some good insight

Moving your thread to the General Questions II will get you a lot more traffic, as Chacha said.

You're not alone...we've been in your shoes. We know the pain and the sorrow. We can help.

Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and read, read...it's proactive. Plan A may not be what you think it is...I call it Plan Authentic.

When you say you want to fuss, cuss, AO...and you're not supposed to...there's a whole life change in that. You don't want to AO, DJ, SD...because that's not who you really are.

Sharing honestly what you feel by stating it...now, that's meeting an EN, isn't it? Openness and Honesty. Injecting respect into your marriage...stating, not demonstrating, is a big part of Plan A.

Playing dumb isn't in the BS who wants to save their marriage job description. It's all over the WS's description, though. And most of the time, they aren't playing.

They are seriously dumb.

Keep that in mind.

Respect isn't admiration...it's seeing his choices as they are...choices...and sharing what you know. You are two whole and separate people who vowed to be partners...this is the very worse right now. Know your feelings are valid...and do not act on them.

Because that's what your partner is doing...he's reacting to his feelings instead of acting from his beliefs. Not for a second would he believe this is noble, right or that he's not choosing to shred his marriage if YOU were choosing these same actions.

Fog is tricky and messy. Be clean and clear. To me, Plan A is where you focused inward, becoming the person you authentically are...and as a byproduct, you become very attractive to your foggy WS.

Plan A is bringing reality respectfully. Which means you do not focus on him, let his drama be contagious...and you live and act from truth...not react from your feelings.

Have you exposed to everyone?

I would move back to the marital home...and Plan A solidly for four weeks...reading, studying, learning, and acting from your choice to love and your goal to fight for your marriage. Go to MC anyway. I also recommend going to Alanon...great support group in my experience...because an A follows the same pattern as addiction...and right now, you're married to an addict.

Then you can go to Plan B if all your best efforts do not break up the A. Expose to all of OW's relatives...research and inform her family, friends, where she works...spread the truth, and do it respectfully, calmly, informatively.

Keep posting and reading here...seems to me you identified what ENs you weren't meeting and what LBs you were doing...own them once in a statement to him...list them, apologize, share how much your thinking has changed with how much more you know now. Show him you've changed...revoke your permissions to LB because that's not who you really are...not how you want to treat people or have in your life.

You'll find Plan A to be rewarding, astounding and at times, delight yourself. That's how it doesn't crush you, no doormat by choice. In it, you can find your real power, embrace your limits and live more freely than you may have ever imagined.

In my experience.

LA

thank you so much for the prayer, and the email request, I will like that.

Wow, thanks for your insight, that helped. Its been a week since I posted my question....and as far as I know, its been a week that he has not seen/contacted her. He said it took him all day to break it off because he slept most of the time (I do believe that with him being on 3rdshift) and with her crying and them talking he wanted make sure she was alright (sigghhhhh-who cares). Did he really break up with her....who knows. Only time will really tell....I'm not really going to dwell on that because right now there's no way to prove it other than he's at home all the time when i get off work. Just going to be the best wife I can be and I have been for a whole week. We did have one lil fight but I apologized....actually he started it, but I apologized for saying what i said to set him off (which was nothing-but whatever). Im proud of him going a whole week with no contact as far as i can tell.....I can tell that he thinks about her though....I wonder when will the withdrawals start to get really bad? I wonder if I'll be ready?

Hi walking beauty---I can relate to the samething that you are going through? Do you have an e-mail address? maybe we can help each other out get through this difficult moment in our lives....Take care, things will get better--As I have learned, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

how do i give you or anyone my email without showing all to see...there's no telling who's out here that may know me personally

Walkingbeauty10~
Trying to find out how to do send e-mail but couldn't figure it out.....I hope things work out for you. I can relate to you, I'm the same age as you and have almost the same time marriaged as you do too. Things are hard, I know, but I hope they get better. I'm stuck to this quote and it has helped me on days when I'm feeling down "There is always a light at the end of the tunnel". Just when you think nothing worse can happen, here comes something else. But don't worry, with the help that we are getting here, things will be much less stressful and hurtful. Let's just try our HARDEST to save our M! We can do it, keep in touch!