I posted this in another forum last night and got no response. Please respond tonight..i'm feeling very weak as i am alone tonight and am wanting to send my EA an email...

I've been reading posts here on and off all day...and i think I've found the right place...I too have been having an EA, he ended it last night. His wife found out. It began about 6 months ago, we tried to end it a few months ago but we couldn't.I've cried all day, couldn't sleep last night and my DH has no idea whats wrong with me. I can't tell him...i want to contact my OM so bad, this hurts so much. I didn't realize how attached i had become, i think about him constantly. I can't stand the idea of having no more contact with him. I never thought i would allow myself to become involved in something like this. I've been happily married for 13 years, have four boys, teach school and am very active in church. But DH works a swing shift and istn't home alot, leaving me to raise the boys. The attention my OM gave me was wonderful, made me feel so special..knowing that he was thinking of me during the day..needing me...i don't know how i will get over this. Please help me find the strength to overcome this.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm so glad you have found us, and it seems like just in time.

You won't want to hear this right now, but the very best thing you can do for your future, your boys, and your marriage, is to continue to have no contact with the other man.

It is normal to think you can't stand to have no more contact with the other man. He has been meeting the needs that your hubby hasn't been meeting. Sometimes these affairs start out accidentally, and good people fall victim to affairs.

You need to tell your husband what has been going on so that he has a heads up that the marriage is in trouble. It is only fair that he know the facts of his life. If you don't tell him, it will always be between you.

Your husband will need to start meeting more of your needs. You may not want him to at this time, but I promise you that you can fall in love again and have a much marriage than before. It happens all of the time here.

The weekends are slow, so don't panic if you get few responses tonight.

Find comfort in the Bible, and in this website.

Know that your attraction to the OM is no more than an addiction...just like crack or meth...you have allowed yourself to become addicted to how you feel when you are with, or think of the OM.

Also know that all affairs, EA's or PA's are fantasy, built upon lies and the shortfalls you have allowed to your husband, your kids, your immediate family and all those around you. Those are the victims in all this. You must treat this addiction by quitting, cold turkey, and never seeing the OM, or having any communication with him at all.

Seek solace in that this website, and the MB program have saved many marriages. Read all you can about the basic principals, starting with the topics at the right hand column of these pages. Become familiar with YOUR weaknesses that led you down this path. Set forth, then, to correct them.

At some point you will have to confess to your H, as he is the most damaged in all this. There is now a part of his life about which he knows nothing. He may suspect, as a Wayward nearly always withdraws from their spouse, and in fact, waywards will go out of their way to re-write their marital history, making is sound (and feel) so bleak that the WS is able to JUSTIFY their action in carrying on the affair.

You have take the first step in ending the affair, and it will be terribly hard to maintain no contact, because the pull of the "drug" will be intense at first. Busy yourself at every opportunity, and make plans to be amongst those who can help you break this addiction. It will pass, and then you can implement some of Dr. Harley's principals into your marriage, and have a much better marriage than before.

Be patient. Others will come along and help you through this. I just saw your post and wanted you to know help will be along. I've recovered my marriage with the help of Harley's principals, and these forums and am semi-retired from posting, but still lurk. I just felt the "need" in your post, so I responded.

You can do this! It will be the best thing you've done for yourself in some time. Stick out the No Contact. It is critical in the recovery of your marriage.

Best wishes,
SD

Amylee - Are you still around? I know the above is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

Thank you for responding...i was reading other posts. I am trying to stay busy and not think of him...its so hard. I keep checking my email..hoping for an email..i know i should close that account but i can't yet. I havent emailed him..no contact since Friday night. DH is working nights this week so it will be tough, this is when we would spend so much time together. I can't imagine telling DH about this...i don't know how he would react. I dont want to lose him and i knew deep down that i would never really leave him or my boys for OM...but i just felt so good to be desired and wanted again. I had no idea this problem was so common. I can't imagine talking to anyone else about this. THanks again for responding...i'm gonna need all the help i can get.

It does feel good to be desired and wanted. That is why affairs are so common. Most people just fall into them, never intending to leave their family.

You might want to read all the articles on the home page. They talk about affairs and how they start, and how they should end, reconciliation, and building a better marriage. Many, many people here have survived this and gone on to have a much better marriage.

Weekends are slow, but you will get many more responses tomorrow morning. This stuff is very difficult. You may need to see your doc for some anti-depressants to get through it all. But the best thing for you now is to have no contact with the other man. If you can get through that, things will get much better. It hurts very bad, but that is what you need to do.

Hi Amylee,

Welcome to MB. Glad you have the courage to try to fix your marriage.

Ask yourself this: What is my goal? What am I willing to do to reach that/those goal(s)?

Then, if your goal is to save your marriage, arrange for uninterrupted time as soon as possible, take a deep breath, and say something like:

"I need to tell you that I've been unfaithful to you....." And fill in the basic details and tell him you're willing to answer questions, go for marriage counseling, change your habits, write a NO Contact letter that he approves for the other man and follow through.

Post often and we can help you.....well others will be able to as I can only post evenings and weekends mostly. But I can pray for you.

You can do this, Amy.....if you want to save your marriage, and I believe you do or you would not be on this site.

Also, you can read all the articles and books offered on this web site including Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, and Love must be Tough by James Dobson.

I'm glad you care enough about your marriage and family to tell your husband about it before your children or husband discover it for themselves.

I guarantee that you will have done the right thing, even if your addiction tells you it is not. Most addictive substances lie and kill eventually, but you have the tools to beat this addiction. We'll all help you.

Best Wishes,

Ace

Thank you...i know this is whats right. I knew all along that what i was doing was wrong, i just got so caught up in it, i couldn't stop myself. I still don't want to. I haven't hurt like this since i was dumped in high school. I have taken anti-depressants before...not gonna do that again. I put myself in the situation..its probably best that i go through this pain on my own..with meds...so i don't allow myself to do this again. But i miss him soo much and its only been 2 days.How did you end up here believer?

lol..that was supposed to say without meds..not with meds. Am going to bed now as tomorrow is the first day back to school. Thanks for the replies, i will be here tomorrow night.

Amylee - I have been here 4 years. My husband had an affair with our neighbor. We ended up divorced. His affair with the other woman ended 2 weeks after we divorced. He regrets everything now and is very miserable, but I would never take him back - mainly because the affair continued for almost 3 years after I found out.

I put out a call for some women that have been through what you are going through, and are now happily married again. I'm sure they will respond, but it might not be tonight.

Please keep reading and posting here. In the long run, you will never regret doing the right thing. My prayers will be with you and your family tonight.

Thank you so much. I need to hear from others who have been here..to assure me that this horrible feelings will get better, that i really don't need him like i think i do.

Amy,
Please tell your husband, it is DEFINITELY the right thing to do. I knew my WW was having an A 8 months before she came clean 2 months ago. God got me through it and he will get you and your husband through it...But PLEASE be honest.

Amy,

You cannot even imagine the horrible pain of finding out about your spouses A. I think if everyone knew how much it hurt, it would never happen. I cannot describe the feeling of betrayal and heartache to anyone that has not gone through it. It's awful. Right now it just seems like your relationship with the OM is plutonic, but it could easily lead to more if you are not careful. Be honest with your spouse. You have time on your side. You can turn this around and be even more in love with your spouse than you ever imagined. Do it for yourself. You deserve not to have to go through the pain of an affair. Your feelings for the OM will and can go away if you focus on your H. I promise.
(((( hugs )))))

Amylee, I’m a FWW who was involved in EA and I can assure you that with time, patience and No Contact with OM, those feelings will get better and eventually pass. But before that can happen, there is another important step you need to take: inform your H about your EA. I can’t stress the importance of this enough… Please do it. This step is important for both marital and personal recovery for both you and your H. Although your H might not know about your EA right now, I can assure you he knows and feels something is terribly wrong with you and the marriage...and because of that he is in pain and unhappy too…he just don’t know the reason for it… It’s your responsibility to let him know what’s going on… Although your confession will cause your H a lot of pain and devastation, he will then at least know what’s going on… That’s really the most loving and unselfish thing you can do under the circumstances so that steps can be taken by both of you to start personal and marital recovery.

(After my H became aware of my EA, he informed me that he knew something was wrong with me and in the M…he said although I never treat him badly, he could sense and feel that my behavior and feelings towards him was not the same)

Amylee, you’re feeling so terrible right now and feel as if you need OM because you’re addicted to him. An addiction to an A and OP is very similar to other types of addictions like alcohol and drugs. When the substance of an addiction is taken away, the addicted person will experience withdrawal from it. You’ve started to experience the same thing now (withdrawal from OM) and that’s why you feel so terrible. Please read the “Withdrawl Guide” in my signature line (just click on the link). It will help you understand better what you’re going through right now and also give you some guidelines on how to get through this very difficult phase. But to get through this, you will also need your H’s help (another reason you need to inform him about your EA). He can help to keep you accountable from no contacting the OM.

I just want to mention to you Amylee, that AD’s was one of the most helpful things to help me through withdrawal. I understand your desire to try not to use them again, but if after a few weeks you see no change or improvement in yourself, you might need to reconsider. I was in severe withdrawal and didn’t had any improvement from the withdrawal for almost 6 months. In fact, my withdrawl became worse during that time. I only started to improve after I was put back on AD’s.

Amylee,

A wise person once said "It is not by our mistakes that we should be measured, but by how we put them right". You've made a mistake - a big one - but you can start to put it right by telling your husband about your affair (whether or not you decide to work on your marriage).

I found out about my wife's affair & was pretty much annihilated by it; I can't say how much different (or better) it would have been for me if she had told me herself but I wish she had - I really do wish she had. Tell your H; he will be hurt but the healing will begin at that moment. You can't change the fact that you had an A, but you have a choice in how your H finds out about it.

As a BS I really don't know about withdrawal but what you're saying is close to how my wife described it after her A ended (6 months ago today); now, she is over OM.

b.p.m.

Hi amylee

You are getting some good advice here I hope you are applying it. Just one thought for you.

How are you going to feel when the OM's wife tells your husband, your employer and all the people at your church? If she comes here, she'll learn that this will be a very effective way of killing off your A. I'd suggest that it would be easier to tell your husband yourself than recovering from that situation. It would also be better than him discovering it in some other way.

I'd also like to emphasise that you need to start taking some extraordinary precautions to ensure that no contact is possible between you and the other man. Sever all communication links that you used in the past. Cancel those email addresses, change your mobile number, don't go anywhere near places you are likely to bump into him etc. If you don't do this, you are going to find it really hard to get past the withdrawal. He's likely having the same feelings and no matter how hard you try, he could still undermine your efforts unless you make it nigh impossible. You need to do this now, immediately for your own sake as well as your family's.

Thank your lucky stars that your A didn't go physical.

I know how much it must be hurting as I can see the pain my wife is going through right now but, if you want any chance of salvaging your marriage and retaining your family, these are the two most important steps you can take right now.

I wish you luck.

Amylee, Believer asked I drop in to say hello and let you know you can beat this affair and have a good M.
I am a FWW who had a PA and I have recovered my M. Is it the same ? No I can't say it is. Its different, not better and certainly not worse, just different now... and I work on it every day even if my DH is with me or not .. in a funny way there amongst all the love is far more compassion for each other as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I can never even think of the hurt I gave my DH now without pain and remorse and shame. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
But I WILL not allow it to rule my life. My DH said here and to me and to everyone in our family .. I WILL NOT remain married to "Mrs I'm so sorry" .. I want my wife back. And boy he got that .. lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The affair as you have been advised is like an addiction and we speak about it as such here because the behaviour of the affairee's , you & me, can be like an addict behaves when he or she cannot get a fix.
You can get depression and sometimes actually ignore your health and family your kids, your job because you are so focused on the pain of separation from someone who has been meeting your emotional needs. BUT just think ... wouldn't you love to feel that way about your DH and have HIM meet your needs???

Is that going to be hard? you betcha! but then how could he meet your needs if you NEVER told him what you needed clearly and forthrightly? so many here like me failed to do this and also to ask for theirs.

But the first step is NO CONTACT ..... There is only ONE way to get over the pull of the OM and thats NO CONTACT at all in ANY way. email. phone, at work whatever place he is at, you don't go. If the OM is at work you will need to seriously consider moving to a new job. I had to and I did move. It came down to what is more important? my family, my DH and kids or being the workplace the OM was. Actually the OM left before me as it turned out but I still moved to ensure my DH understood I "GOT IT" and had some further confidence I was working to ensure he felt 'safe'.

You have been advised to tell your husband ... and I think you need to. I didn't want to believe me. I so avoided and cried and whinged about not doing it to myself and here, all the fear, etc. But tell your DH clearly what has happened, That you got talking to this man and suddenly have found yourself over time emotionally involved with him, you can also clearly say you have done nothing physical but still you are concerned and upset that you find yourself emotionally tied to the OM. EXPLAIN the things, the needs, he is meeting, tell him everything. You can also tell him you want to work with him to make sure your M & relationship with your DH is not only repaired but grows and blossoms into a great M and model for your kids.
Don't try to spin it, its cheating and sadly you know it as well as I, but you can be factual and be committed to answer all his questions fully. Be prepared for him to ask the same question over and over and in different ways until he is happy.

Its not just about saying sorry, its also about providing and giving recompense and remorse by meeting AND receiving emotional needs from & to each other.
I hope this will help in some way to see that its possible to remove the power of the OM from your life and replace the OM's place in your thoughts and heart with your DH. .. and just one more thing .... realise that you are NOT evil or a bad person or shameless or whatever, you may feel like that at times , but just know that good people sometimes do things which are wrong. The difference here is what you do once you know its wrong ... amylee you are beginning to do the right thing ... we'll help whenever we can, even if its for you to vent and scream or cry. ... you are not alone here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AW

Hi Amy,
My FWH had a short EA. Luckily, I found out early and my H readily agreed to no contact. When he read about the concept EA, it actually scared him as he understood the concept of slippery slope and the addictive nature of an EA or A.

I was upset and hurt by the revelation of the nature of the relationship, but as a result of finding out about the EA my M changed.

My FWH and I discovered a lot about our relationship by using this site. We have a much closer relationship now. You say you miss the feeling of being needed and desired. This is the reason you need to tell your H about your EA. He deserves to know that this is how you feel. He deserves to have the opportunity to use the tools found on this site. He deserves the opportunity to make a better marriage. It is dangerous for you to not tell him. Your needs will continue to go unmet and you will be very vulnerable to another EA. This is something you both can work on together to make a better marriage for both of you.

You can feel desired---by your husband. But you need to take the risk of reaching out to him and being honest with him. No one can tell you how he will react. But he deserves to know and you need to protect your marriage.

Have you spoken to your husband before about not feeling desired, and your loneliness? The fact that he works different hours doesn't help. The MB plan is for couples to spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Otherwise people just tend to have their own lives, and that is dangerous to a marriage.

Thanks to those of you who replied to me. Last night i deleted my IM account from my computer...but havent closed the email account or the IM on my phone...i am trying to take small daily steps. Still no contact since friday night. Trying to figure out what to do still about telling DH. I know he has the right to know, i'm just scared of his reaction...i never fell out of love with him, i love him with all my heart. I don't want to lose him...i feel so stupid. But at the same time i still crave that attention from OM and have checked my email several times...just hoping. I've tried to tell myself that is wasn't really an A because we never met in person, it was all online and on the phone. but then i think...i would definately feel like it was an A if the shoe were on the other foot. I am trying to stay strong and do what i know is right. Thanks for the help, i will be needing it.