I have posted my story in another place but was told this is a better forun for feedback...so here goes

I found out 10 weeks ago that my H was having an affair for 4 months with a woman from work. We were just about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. My daughters F21 and F18 and my parents and friends were planning a party...we had to tell them all. It was very difficult, but I made him tell these people. It was the smart thing to do...we are a close family and I neveer would have been able to go through all of this without them knowing.

I am devasted. I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman ...but this thing is killing me. I think about this other woman about every 15 minutes. I assume that my H must be thinking aobut her just as often. Icompare myself to her in my mind...better body, better dispostion, etc., etc.... I have thought of suicide for the first time in my life. I ask for details and my H gives them, but neither one of us seem to understand "why" I need the nitty gritty. I am disgusted with the idea that this other woman has such control over me and my marriage.

We are seeing a MC who is helping. He suggested the book SAA and we are reading it together. Even with all this progress, I have terrible anxiety, pain and resentment. I am trying to fulfill his needs, but I am getting weary waiting for him to fulfill at least a few of mine.

I am so sad, disappointed and tired of feeling so anxious.

I would appreciate any insight from fellow BS.

Hi again. Thinking about the other woman every 15 minutes is very normal. We have all gone through that. It actually takes about 2 years to recover from the betrayal of an affair. There are no shortcuts.

But I have a question or two. Has no contact been established between your husband and the other woman?

And how was the marriage before the affair? Would you say it was very happy? Were there things that your hubby complained about?

He has a new job and will not be seeing the OW

Our marriage was not great. No sex, no communication and neither one of us really cared if the other person was happy or not. We were really just existing in the same house. Our MC has helped us with this and I have to say that I am pleased with my efforts and how I feel about making sure my H knows everyday that I love, care and appreciate him. It is a long way from where we were.

I'm so happy that you are getting MC. You are very, very early in this. It takes a lot of time to get through, and more time for the wayward spouse to start realizing the extent of pain from the betrayal.

In the meantime, you need to work on the problem areas in your marriage BEFORE the affair. Afterall, you want a marriage that is better than the one before the affair.

Hello yonnadoung,

I'm just a little further along the road than you so maybe my feedback will help.

You are feeling exactly the same way I did and I think it's totally normal. I couldn't sleep or work for thinking about the OP in the beginning. It seemed like my every waking moment was dominated by him back then. Worse still those thoughts stimulated such extreme emotion that it spilled over into some really bad behaviour like me verbally punishing my WW with angry outbursts. This merely served to drive my WW further away, the complete reverse of what I wanted. Try to stop yourself from doing that if you can.

You will find that thoughts of the OP will continue to intrude but, as time passes, they will do so less frequently and the emotion stimulated will be less intense. Now I manage to go whole days without thoughts of him intruding.

If your H is at home and having NC with the OW, then she has no control in comparison with you. Don't let yourself think that. Under these circumstances, you are the one with most control. Did you expose to her family? Did he write a NC letter to her as suggested in SAA?

It seems that many of us betrayed spouses quickly decide that they want to save the marriage. It's not the same for the WS because their emotions are torn between two relationships. This means that the BS has to put in most of the effort until the other relationship dies in the WS's head. As you say, it seems so unfair, extremely frustrating and hard work. But if you want your marriage to survive, that's the way it is.

The anxiety is very hard to deal with. I found the best antidote to be exercise and having a plan of action with respect to the relationship. The SAA book and this site is so helpful in that regard. I recommend Bob Pure's toolkit thread. It documents how he went from the depths of despair to fixing his marriage over a long period of time with help from this forum. It's truly inspirational. I read SAA and thought I got it but there is a world of difference between reading and understanding. Reading threads like BP's helps you to properly understand.

I found that the disappointment faded fast once I decided what I wanted from the crap situation I found myself in. It's much more positive to focus on the outcome you want than waste time on disappointment.

I have no antidote to the sadness but, like the other feelings, this diminishes in frequency and intensity too as time passes. I now have whole days of feeling relatively happy now and didn't even think that was possible after 10 weeks - I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Reading back over some of my posts, I felt like I kept hitting new lows but, in retrospect, I don't think that was really true. It just seemed like it because it was preceeded by short period of being relatively up.

The folks on these boards are so supportive. Many say that this is the best place to come and express all the negative feelings. They aren't good fodder for your relationship right now. So come here to express them and get support. There is a lot of experience to draw upon here.

Good luck!