About two months ago, I went through some life altering situations with my soon to be ex husband. I found out he was unfaithful before and after we were married. We were only together a year before he decided to call it quits. He claims he was never in love with me, but I know that not to be true. We had some issues that I didn't realize were that serious because I am still young and I was niave. He left me for his exgirlfriend, whom he lied to, but they are still somewhat together from what I can gather. Now he has even moved onto another woman, who looks a lot like me. interesting... Anyhow, I have not gotten the divorce yet, but he is so adamant about it to where I am backed into a corner and feel like I must submit to his wishes and move on. I tried to work things out and he didn't want to- I even read all the MB books and talked to my pastor, but all these things are worthless unless he is willing to work on things, which he was and is not. You can imagine that I still love my husband, faults and all, even though people say I shouldn't after how decietful and unfaithful he was.

I am having some difficulty moving on. I've moved to another state (as did he- but a different one), and I'm trying to get re-established. Part of me feels like the only way to move on is to find something better, but I know thats not what I should be doing. I fear it would be rebound... and since the divorce is still in pending mode, it wouldn't be right anyways. Just because he doesn't see how that is wrong, doesn't mean I don't. Anyhow, sometimes I feel like my life has gone to the pots and I can't get out of this rutt. I must be suffering from the woe is me complex, but I don't want too. And when you are young and short on cash- literally just out of college- you can't just pick up a hobby that depends on expenses. Any advice??

I have tried to get involved more at my new church and my job. I teach English to high schoolers, so I try to stay as busy as possible. I felt I was doing okay until this past weekend, when I was all alone. I can't stand being alone- I was brought up that way. My parents are like that too. Anyhow, I guess there are good days and bad. Today is a bad day. My exboyfriend from prior to my marriage contacted me. lol. And he reminded me of my situation, which made my night miserable. Also, I found out that my soon-to-be-ex had a falling out with his ex, and they are no longer seeing each other. Instead he has moved onto another girl, whom is supposedly a devout Christain, and I have to say I feel for her. My H has more than likely won her over with lies, but I can't change that. I just wish people could see him for his true colors- black and soot grey. I'm not trying to be demeaning, but I am still hurting myself, and for him to feel no remorse after all his crap, well, it just makes it all worse. Is there anyone out there who has some advice or words of encouragment???? I'm so down right now. I've never felt so down in my life, and I can't even bring myself to cry about it- even though I want to.

Hugs to you! I don't know your story but I feel your pain and your loneliness. Try not to worry about what STBX is doing - focus on yourself. It's hard - sometimes impossible, but the bad days don't last forever.

Do things for yourself that you enjoy. Short on cash doesn't mean you can't entertain yourself. There are parks to enjoy, long walks along a lakeside or riverside may lead to you meeting new people, as will your church.
Also, if you have free time, volunteer. There are tons of opportunities to volunteer and you get to meet people. You are young, so the internet can help there too.
In my area, there are many Christian concerts at which you could volunteer.
Some people here have suggested walking dogs at an animal shelter. A great way to meet people.

See a counselor if you need to get out of your rut. You need time togrieve in order to move on, don't speed through the process. Heal from this relationship first.

I am in the same boat as you. My W asked for a divorce after me questioning her faithfulness. We were seperated for 6 months prior to this week, so Part of me moved on already. What made me think was this saying; "Forever is a long time with someone who claims to not love you. Consider your own happiness for once!"

With all the damage your H has caused to you mentally and emotionally, what is there that still attracts you to him?

I personally spent a lot of time working on myself. I knew that it was on that path and started to put myself ahead of her and considered my happiness for once. I focused more on work, made some great memories with a few great friends, and tried to brace myself for the worst before it happened. Heck I even took my first ever vacation and spent time with my older brother and father that I have not seen in nearly 3 years! Good friends and family can offer help in the form of talking and support. That is a great, and IMO the best start!

You don't want to hear it now but be glad you are so young with your first "round." These days it seems almost everyone was divorced in their 20s then remarried. I married at 32, am finally getting a divorce at 39. When I contemplated a divorce our first year of marriage - found out he cheated on me while dating and likely during our marriage (at the very least was busy calling this just a friend I didn't even know existed during our long distance relationship) people said divorce while you are young, start over, etc. You know we always look back wishing we'd done something else, it's human nature. But really you are SO YOUNG. However we all know this "move on" thing is harder then people say, it takes time to heal, longer for some then others. If you are a good decent person who was stomped on it'll be harder, marrying a liar is a horrible lesson, it changes the way you view the world. You are at the prime of your life - however your age is a catch 22 - youth and abition and energy and lack of money. At your age I traveled around Europe and Asia with very little money... perhaps you could look into really shaking things up - working overseas, joining the peace corps. You are only young and single at this age once - and I'm sure your next marriage will be better - so why not enjoy your freedom? Read Eat, Love, Pray, a national best seller, it'll put you in "the mood..." the woman went through a horrible divorce, took off on travels and analyed it all, the hurt, the pain, the joy of rediscovering life.

Well, I took some friendly advice. I went looking for a few books to read at the bookstore near me. After reading some of Hope for the Separated and The Wounded Woman, I have come to realize that dating is definately not an option while married still, and well, I can't really do anything but better myself until my H feels remorse/repentence for what he has done. Time will only tell what will truly come of it because I am not ready to file, even though he is. I'm going to do more things for myself to become the wiser person my H fell in love with. It sucks being in separate states b/c there is really very little I can do other than that. I have also realized that the OW is not the main issue, its my H. And I should not blame myself. That's the hardest thing for me. I blame myself and regardless of what he told me-since he says what he thinks I want to hear, I know he blames me too. What a combination, eh? Well, I plan on continuing to pray and read my Bible and get support from my church. I teach by day and pray by night. Someday something will give. I know in my heart that God has good things in store for my future, and He does not want me to give up hope yet either.

oh and...

"If you are a good decent person who was stomped on it'll be harder, marrying a liar is a horrible lesson, it changes the way you view the world."

Thanks Horsey. I have truly found this out the hard way and it really is a horrible lesson. People can have two different personalities and you not know it until it is too late. It's really scary. How well do you really know your H or W? I thought I knew everything about my H until I got the biggest slap in the face of a lifetime. And it still hurts, months later.

Quick Update:

Well, I still haven't filed for divorce, and no one is pushing me to, so I am just waiting that out. I was reading through one of my books about hope for the separated, and well, I did some of the thigs it suggested, like apologizing (again) for my part in the failing marriage. I emailed my STBXH this since I know he would not talk to me on the phone. He never responded to my apology, so I guess he isn't ready to forgive me. I have done all I can do, and that book actually made me feel worse. I mean, it says to make your H feel loved even when things are bad, and I can't really do that. I ended up putting that book away for now cuz it was making me more upset.

I've had some time to think and reflect, and I emailed my SIL, who is really still supportive and she's a great friend. My STBXH has not even talked to his family unless he wants something, so things aren't even going well there. Don't worry, that's all she said about the situation- we're good friends, so it doesn't bother me to talk to her about things. Also, I am going to send my MIL a thank you/thinking of you card. She is a wonderful lady, and I feel it is the least I can do. I don't want to interfere with my H's family any more than I have to, but I love my in-laws. They are still my family at the moment, and well, I will always think of them as family because they have been so comforting and loving throughout the last five years, and they continue to be loving and supportive throughout this who ordeal.

This weekend is a good weekend, despite the fact that Monday is a special day that I would rather forget. I managed to turn over a new leaf, making time to do some things for myself- things I haven't been able to take care of in a long time... oh how having a job changes things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm excited about the upcoming year. I don't know what challenges God has in store for me, but I know I can deal with them by taking each week one day at a time. God is a wonderful presence in my life.

I have read a lot of the Christian books too. Most will tell you to try to hold and hold onto a marriage. Hope for the Separated is really quite liberally about cheating while separated. Christian counselors I've been to have been the same, a sort of "quick, forgive, reconcile" approach. It's amazed me that cheating can be taken so lightly by many Christians including authors. But the hurt as we know goes very, very deep. It takes awhile to forgive and heal.

I'm not sure where you are at, but if you've put these books away, if you've emailed without response, if you've done your part then it might actually be time to move on with your life. You can't change this man living his life as a liar. Sometimes it boils down to character or lack thereof. And although we as Christians don't want to divorce lightly, I don't believe in "light" forgiveness for cheating. Your ex has proven to be untrustworthy and to lack character. Even if you were to reconcile you'd spend your life wondering about this man you really didn't know when you married him.

It might actually be good that he lives in another state. At this point, from what I'm reading I'd say keep those books in a drawer or throw them out. Christian counseling can be helpful, but some can be NOT helpful. I personally know I should have moved on long ago and when I was at the point where there was no hope, having Christian books and counselors with their endless hope was very UNHELPFUL. It might be that you'll need some secular books on healing through a divorce, and even the divorce process itself as hard as it will be for you to read this. The finality of ending a marriage is very, very hard.

However you are YOUNG, you have your life ahead of you. You can start over and you will. You will learn from this and you'll develop and incredible amount of wisdom. Remember, widom doesn't come from easy times, it comes from hurt and hard times. Not what you want to hear, but remember too, God has a plan for you. Trust him. Heal. Move on and live again. See if you can get joy back in your life, your ex can't take that from you. Don't let him rule your life anymore if you can. In this case unless you want to give it a little more time, I'd say go for a "clean cut" and get on with your future.

You're right. I got an email yesterday from my STBX, and he basically just told me what he had been up to. Then he said,"at this point all I can say is I am sorry for all the lies and pain I have caused you!" I guess he's a little exasperated. He told me to keep in touch with updates, but that is not in my best interest. I've asked some friend's opinions, and they all say that my STBX is trying to make himself the good guy without getting back together, which is so not how it works in this situation especially. I was so excited when I first got the email, and I took what he said positive, but I know that is not his intentions now that I reread it and reread it. The thing that sealed the deal so to speak was when I looked on his myspace, and he had changed his picture to one with him and his XGF embracing with smiles. I think that was the hardest thing I ever saw, and it will be the hardest thing to ever forget. Since he didn't mention her at all in the message, and last I'd heard she was in another state and out of the picture, I think he is still being that shady, cheating liar I can't stand. So, I've come to terms with the truth. It was his unrelenting character flaw that ultimately ruined my marriage, and I don't want anything to do with that flaw- even though I know that I am supposed to be okay with his faults. It's hard, but I am planning on filing for divorce with my next paycheck- the sooner I can get on with my life, the better. There is someone out there for me that I deserve to be happy with. Someone who is not going to repeatedly cheat on me or run off with his XGF because I was second best. Thanks for the encouragement.

oh, I don't know that the entire answer is his lack of character, as in any divorce, for a time it's helpful to look at ourselves and see what we did to contribute to the problems if any. And even if the worst we did was make a poor marriage choice to a liar/cheater, it's helpful to analyze if there were any "red lights" when we were dating. Certainly we don't want to repeat the same mistake in the next "round," and chances are you'll remarry.

You are NOT supposed to be ok with faults in a spouse that include lying and cheating. Remember the wedding vows? He might not, but the preacher must have said something about "that no man shall take apart", this is a union, marriage is serious, when there are problems in a marriage there are ways to resolve them other then cheating. I'd say yes your ex lacks character, but as for faults in a marriage, this is about as high as you get on the list, to be so untrustworthy.

A lot of people really like the divorce care groups through churches. Do you have one in your area? Usually they start about this time of year, after summer. You can look at divorcecare.com for one in your area. It might help to have some support as you go through a divorce. It does seem in your case that it's a blessing you don't have to face this guy in 'real life' and likely it's best that you not be checking him out much on the internet. You know the truth at this point, he's not showing signs of wanting to reconcile, you tried, you studied, you asked for advice.

You sound like a nice person, niave with a lot to learn. I'd suggest reading through this site, go find some books on dating and marriage. Even the Christian books on various personalities are quite good. At least in the next round, have some concrete ideas of what you are looking for in a mate, be choosy, very choosy - I can tell you at 39, many years older then you - these guys are a dime a dozen, it's hard to find nice men with character, but they are out there. You know what pain a bad choice leads to, don't settle, don't do it again. You can put your head on a man's shoulder, but don't close your eyes. Ok?