What I want now:

I want to forget about WXH - to just not even care about him at all. I don't want to care that he will never feel responsibility or regret. I don't want to talk about him anymore or to even think about him. I wish all memory of him could be erased from my past. I wish he/we never existed. I want to start a new life, a better life, that he has no part in whatsoever.

He's a loser in every sense of the word. I didn't really lose him - he lost me. And I don't feel the least bit sorry for him either because he's an evil jerk. I don't think I can ever completely forgive what he did to our daughters.

I wish the society we lived in would at least stop treating adulterers as if they didn't do anything wrong, pretending the hurt they caused doesn't really exist or matter. How can people not see that just hurts the betrayed even more?

I think one reason I still post here sometimes is to at least talk to some people who understand and care about the betrayed instead of assuring the betrayers that adultery is OK. Maybe I need some reassurance that there are some who care and would never do such a hateful thing to the very ones they are supposed to love and protect.

I honestly can't comprehend how he can live with himself. I know I would absolutely hate myself if I had behaved as he did. But he's not like me: He's an egotistical animal who doesn't know how to love anyone - not even his own daughters. He's infested with evil and the society we live in and the OW he finds think he's just fine the way he is so why should he ever change?

The big question is what the heck did I ever see in him?!?!?

I can totally relate to this.. but don't think about what you saw in him... you obviously saw something you have daughters I have the same problem wondering why my ex doesn't have that much of a relationship with his two daughters I have tried for years to get them to have a better one but you know what it is his loss... and what a loss it is... but as they get older they will realize that he is what he is - their father but not really in every sense of the word.. he used to blame me and try to say that I sabotaged their relationship but nope it was his selfish doing.. but you know what I have two beautiful daughters that I have a wonderful relationship with and well of that I am proud they know they can depend on me for anything and everything anytime... he unfortunately cannot say the same.. and well once you realize that you cannot control him you will feel a little better about it all.... Your girls will be fine... because they will have you.... And as for not caring about him anymore.. well I still to a degree love my ex - do I like him not that much - would I ever pick anyone like him now - absolutely not.. but did I love him at one time absolutely... and you know that is ok because he gave me two beautiful daughters so in a way all of the pain was worth it....

MAW,
Hey, how are you? I have a new email address and have lost yours!
Here is mine: [email]ckh5941@yahoo.com...[/email]
Write me!

Many of us here can totally relate. My X married his OM, and they are living happily ever after as far as I know. And, he has never apologized for the anguish he put our 3 kids and I though. He has a tenuous relationship with them, at best. I guess we will never understand why they do what they do.
It has been almost 5 years for me, and I will tell you, it gets so much better with time!
Hang in there, God has a great life planned for you!

It's been 5 years for us too (divorce final over 2 years ago). I read somewhere that for every 5 years of marriage it takes 1 year to get over the divorce. I SOOOOO hope that's true! Because we were married 25 years and I do NOT want to spend another nanosecond feeling like this LOL!

I'm not the get involved in a rebound relationship to ease the pain type. I want to be completely over WXH before I get married again. Ironically though I realize a new man would put an end to any lingering feelings for X real fast LOL!

Hopefully your WX and the OP won't last - mine didn't - they broke up for good before the divorce was even final!

But now I sometimes wish they WERE still together LOL. Because by now the honeymoon phase would be well over and he'd be feeling 'trapped' by her and he for sure would have been cheating on her by now. I guess it's sort of my wanting some sort of justice or revenge? I used to pray that they would break up, and thanked God that they had...

They say time heals all wounds...all in time... sometimes I still entertain the fantasy that he'll someday be really sorry that he lost me. (I already gave up on the fantasy that he'd ever come back) I guess instead of wanting him to regret what he did my new desire should be to just not care what he feels or thinks whatsoever. That's my new goal.

We have 3 daughters and only 2 will have anything to do with him (on rare occasion plus they call him for $) If I think about it too much I can really start to feel like killing him over how he treated our daughters!!! And you know what? If he keeps up his philandering foolishness maybe someday he will die of AIDS or be killed by one of his tramps husband or boyfriend.

I want to just have a new life now, a life so fabulous and leaving him so incredibly far behind that he never even crosses my thoughts again. I want to get so past him that I won't even KNOW whether or not he ever regrets because I will not even be aware of his existence.

There was an old song on the radio when I was a kid: "Got along without you before I met you - gonna get along without you now". Once upon a time I hadn't even met the jerk yet. I want my life back from that point forward.

i am not angry at my ex anymore, i simply don't care.

i am a little envious though... 2 infidels seem to be able to make a relationship work, 3 years and going strong. and me, the supposed "normal" one, can't seem to make one last more than a year.

there is something very wrong with THAT picture.

even ow's ex met someone, they moved in with eachother within a month (ok, that is toooo fast but...) after over a year together they just got married on a cruise! that ******! lol i am glad for him.

must be some reason i can't manage to do it...
good thing i go to therapy tomorrow huh! lol

mlhb

Funny - I just said some of this to my cousin this week-end.

WH and I still live in the same house, but live totally separate lives.

I too want to foget everything that has happened in the past 4+ years. Yet, every day I think of the hurtful things he has done to me. Things that happened long ago, yet they are in my memories..And there are days that he still does things to me that hurt. He will say or do something that still causes me pain, that hurts. I'll try to blow it off thht he's just an [email]A@@[/email], but it haunts me.

I try to keep really busy, I start new home projects just to help me not think about the things that hurt me so deeply. It works, till I complete the project, then I gotta start something else. It's a vicious cyle with me, I can't stop.

Why can't I totally focus on positve thoughts, my friends, my job, anything other than the painful memories??

Maybe that's why they say - you can forgive, but never forget, and it maybe a very true statement.

As for your comment about not caring about him - that's what separates "us" from "them"...I'd rather be a caring person, even when it hurts.

HUGS

Would you mind if I borrowed this phrase? I would like to repeat it to myself 100 times a day.


This is exactly what I wish for. When I'm at this point, I know I'll truly be capable of living on my own. It's not the financial and operational stuff that bogs me down - but the constant emotional roller coaster that does it. Believe it or not, I might go a couple of days without thinking of him and I'll even feel pretty good for a while. But something always comes back to me. I don't even have to see or hear from him or have any other direct reminder. It just comes back.

I'm a bit discouraged that you are 5 years out and still wishing for the same thing. Does it really stick with you that long?

"I'm a bit discouraged that you are 5 years out and still wishing for the same thing. Does it really stick with you that long?"

Tabby,

I think everyone heals at their own pace. My sister has been divorced for 10 years now and she is still struggling with the healling process. She couldn't even help me through my divorce because it was too painful for her to deal with.

As for me, it's been 4 years and I've moved on. I was very fortunate to have friends for support, even though none of them went through a divorce. I did reach out to a Divorce Care support group, that helped me tremendously! I also went to IC for 2 years as well.

I don't think about XWH or care what he does; if his actions does interfere with our children well being, I will step in and voice my concern.

It hasn't been 5 years since the divorce - he moved out 5 years ago. (Well he moved in and out for a while...)

I'm hoping that thing about taking 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage doesn't mean I still have 3 years to go! If it counts from when he moved out then it was about 23 years of marriage before the separation and he's been gone 5 years aleady... I'll be bummed if it's going to take me 3 more years to get over him! (25 years of marriage and divorce only 2 years ago).

Mayeb I should start pinching myself everytime I thnk abou him? LOL

I would count from when he moved out - or even from when he first said he was going to move out. For me, there is only a 3 week difference but those were 3 weeks of pure h*** - I was certainly NOT happily married at that time.

And how do you calculated the 1 in 5 year thing? I lived with WH for 3 years before we married. In total, we were together 17 years - is that 3 1/2 years of recovery or just 3 years for the 14 years we were actually married? Either way, I feel like I've spent my entire adult life with this man and now he's gone.

Let me know how pinching works. I think I need someone to whack me on the head with a 2x4 every time I think about him. Either that or get one of those electric shock collars they put on dogs that bark...

Tabby1 - You are too funny...

I am glad you came here to MB - I was one of the posters from the UDBB that suggested MB to you. I am Hayburner..

You "finding out" and the separation/divorce happened sooooo quickly. I was really shocked - since mine has been turbulent for 4+ years and he has never made a move to work on our M.

My only satisfaction comes from him bouncing from OW to OW. So apparently he's never happy - it wasn't me and it wasn't my horse. It's funny, he still tells everyone our M is over because "she gotta horse"....
He's a perfectionist and any flaw found in the OW and he's off to another one. In my heart I always new I had to be as perfect as I could for him. When I got my horse my time wasn't 100% devoted to him and being perfect anymore. He lost control of the stepford wife that I was.

I pray for all us still struggling to move forward and let go of the past. WE DESERVE THAT....Twe deserve freedom from the pain of adultery. hink about it that way - YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Hey Hayburner/Ithurts! My idiot WH blamed my horse as well (among other things). He's still with the same OW and probably will be for a while - they've both got a big "I told you so" factor they have to bear if they break up too quickly. Don't really know how it's going but there have been some signs that she's a little jealous/possessive of him. They more or less leave me alone now (though I have a feeling she'll be at baseball this weekend) but they give OWH a really hard time. I'm trying to stay out of their way as much as possible. I find that even after a civil conversation with him, I feel depressed and as miserable as when we fight. I only seem to go short bursts without thinking of him right now but those are my best moments. I did spend the weekend kayaking with my gay friends - that was definitely therapy (didn't think about him once!).

Hi ITHURTS and Tabby1,

"Either that or get one of those electric shock collars they put on dogs that bark... "

LOL

Hmmmm... I don't have a horse - in fact I've always been afraid of horses LOL But my WH dumped me anyway so let me assure you both it probably wasn't really because of your horses LOL

So maybe getting a horse would have been a 160 tactic I could have tried? LOL

SHEESH just when you think you've heard all the possible lame excuses for adultery? A horse?

I swear they could make a really hilarious tv show about WS alien babble!

Seriously I think it would be A really good idea to have a tv show about adultery, warning about the slippery slope steps towards adultery (we're just friends harmless baloney), showing how stupid the WS becomes when in the alien fog, explaining about the addiction and how no concact is required to get over addiction, etc.