I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband has been having AFFAIRS. Meaning more than one more than two and on and on. Anyways, I am 8 and a half months pregnant. His first sexual affair was 3 days after I concieved his son, which was xmas day 06'. He saw this married woman for a few months. But 6 months before this (June) which is one month after we were married, he started online chats with numerous women. He had more sexual affairs all the way until I busted him 2 weeks ago Middle of July 07'. I don't know how to forgive him for this. He says he wants our marriage to work out. I feel like if I didn't catch him he would still be doing this, stupid to think otherwise. Though he said he was going to stop. I am having our first child next month. What is supposed to be the best time in my life has turned into the worst. Pregnancy is not how I wanted it to be. I hate my husband so much for what he has done but I love him at the same time. I need to find a way to trust him again and a way to forgive him. If it was one woman it might be easier, but it is so many. He says he'll never do it again. How do I try to get rid of this pain, I would much rather be torchured very slowly than feel like this. I don't even know how to have sex with him ever again which is also a punishment to me because now I've gone without sex for a couple of months because he's in a job that he's been away. Any anwers would be a miracle. I'm desperate for me and my poor son whose already been through punishment and he's not here yet. I need to make this work. [color:"blue"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color]

Yikes! He sounds like a sex addict, which he will not recover from unless he truly wants to change, and he gets intense counseling.

I would NOT have sex with him, because you are pregnant, and wayward spouses often bring home STD's. INSIST on him getting checked by his doctor, and he will need to be rechecked for HIV in another 3 months, and after 6 months.

You have not been married long, and his behavior is extremely poor. If it were me, I would divorce him now.

He insists that he is not a sex addict and blames his infedelity on the fact that we've argued a lot in our relationship and he just wanted to feel wanted. We are going to counselling now. I know though that he is stuck by his reasons for doing what he's done. I know that a lot of this was my fault. I just don't understand why it had to be with more than one woman and why so many singles websites. I just wish I knew that he would never do this again. Also that he is deeply sorry. I feel like a stupid woman for half of what's coming out of my mouth but I'm trying to get past this but I don't think I can get past the pain. I have gotten a full panel done for Std's. The last thing I need is to give my new born something.

He also feels because he used portection all the time that there is no way he contracted anything and is not worried about it. Also his job checks them often. God, how the heck do you trust someone after this? As much as I love him, he makes me absolutly sick. I can't even look him in the eyes. Also, I feel like if I don't have sex with him, he'll go stray again. So much of me wants revenge but I know better but man am I ever hurt and angry. How does a good person do this to somebody. How the heck?

Glad that you have been tested. Most of the waywards don't use protection, so I don't know if you can trust that he did.

The best prediction of his future behavior is his past behavior. The fact that he cheated so soon in your relationship doesn't bode well for your future. If he had gone 10 years being faithful and then had an affair, I would be less concerned. You should have still been in the honeymoon stage.

Hi Coren,

Mrs. RIF had her first A about 2 months after we were married. I didn't find out about this A until 13 years later. She had one A during our second year of M that I did find out about, and several more during the first three years of our M. I found out about the rest of them in Dec 2000.

It is possible to rebuild your M after multiple A's, but it's definitely NOT easy and it takes a very long time.

I've shared this with you to let you know that it is possible to work through all of this. Only you can decide what you want to do here. I'm not about to recommend which path you should take.

If you do decide to try and rebuild, there are lots of great people that can help you here, but I would strongly suggest that you find a good, pro-marriage marriage counselor and BOTH of you start going immediately.

Semper Fi,

RIF

This whole thing is confusing. I agree when you say that when you say his past behavior is a prediction of the future. There is so much to think about. I've waited until I was 31 to get married, until I thought I found the one. No one is my family is divorced, they are all christians and don't believe in it. Though, no one in my family has been unfaithful. My parents think I should do everything to make it work for my son. Even though I don't think my husband deserves his son I can't keep him from him. If I do divorce I will be suffering even more because my husband will get joint custody, therefore only allowing me to see my son half the time. I don't win. No matter how sticky our problems were I would never resort to what he did. I'm so stupid too because I know better than to believe someone that has lied like this. Your right we are newly really weds and this man, my God he has really damaged my head. Can you really trust someone after this? Is it possible for him to want to stop the behavior, espcially all of a sudden, just cause he got caught. He wants us to move on and get past this. Easy for him to say. He also thinks that when our son is born it will bring us together. If he cared so much for our son, he wouldn't have put his life at risk just as he was preparing for life in my belly. Of course my husband disagrees and thinks he was at no risk. He says that all of his frustrations with his job, preparing for a child, our arguments, all led up to this. Is that an excuse to cover up his problem. Just because you fight with your wife, it gives you the right to go on singles websites, saying your single and actually meating these women and having sex with them? He says he only slept with two women. I've seen emails from a massive amount of women and he's told them all of the same things. Not only that? His coversations with them are the same he's had with me. Is it really possible that the truth can actually come out of this piece of %$#!% mouth. I'm trying hear, I'm really trying, but boy, do I want to pay him back for what he's done to me. Is he just telling me what I want to hear now, just to get past this? I can't be that stupid to think that he's just going to quit.

By the way, thank you so much for your replies thus far. Just so you know, so greatly appreciated! Coren

Coren,
I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. You can get a lot of emotional support from this site, so please continue to visit often.

Your husband certainly did a very repulsive thing. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating on you while you carry his child is particularly odius in my eyes. It sounds to me like he is just making excuses to try and justify his affair and lay blame at your feet. Don't let him do that! He said he didn't feel wanted because you didn't want to have sex because you were in your 3rd trimester? Whats his excuse then for the online chatting 1 month into your marriage? You were conceiving a child, so you two were obviously intimate then. That should be a huge clue that he is not being honest with you as to his reasons.

Read up on Plan A and B here, and they will maybe give you some ideas for moving forward.
Plans A and B <----- Click me

Definitely get into marriage counseling and you should probably get him into individual counseling. Its going to take you a long time to heal from this, and only you can decide whether you want 2 of the first 3 years of your marriage trying to heal from his infidelity. I know how hard a decision it is, I'm trying to make that same decision myself. I just found out that my wife had a 3 week affair, just 6 months into our marriage.

Coren,

Your H is trying to abdicate responsibility for his affair/s. He is telling you that whenever something goes wrong or he's stressed, that he's justified in an affair. Tell him that, using that logic, YOU would certainly be justified in having your own affair because of the stress he put you under. He must man up and take responsibility for his own actions. By no means is his affair your fault. If he had a problem with you or was stressed out, he should address that...not go looking for a cheap OW.

BTW, I'm not saying that you'd be justified in an affair...there's no justification for one...ever! It just might shake him up enough to get it and get help.

Coren, since you brought it up I have to ask, are you and your husband Christians, or just your family?

He insists that he is not a sex addict?? Oh, ok, then I guess he isn't since he says so. What a line of bull. He sure sounds like a sex addict. Also, you are in no way responsible for any of these actions that he has taken--there is no excuse for going out and doing what he did and you take no blame for his actions. Please, remember that. You and he are both responsible for the state of your marriage, just like any other couple. However, unlike any other couple, he decided to go out and have these affairs.

From reading other peoples' stories on this site, I think you are looking at years of work to recover. Do not expect to trust him any time in the near future. Your reactions are completely normal. You should not trust him; You have no reason to trust him.

The very fact that he is blaming his infidelity on you is another reason to think he may have a sex addiction. You have every right to request that he get an evaluation related to sex addiction.

coren, just the simple fact that he is remotely blaming you tells me two things, 1. he is not really sorry 2. that he has a bigger problem then what you can handle, especially right now. As you can see in my sig line it happened to me with my second child. If he used protection he obviously was out looking for it,it was planned before he even met her or anyone else, I think he is hiding more then what you know. Why would you even consider putting this man before your child by having sex with him because your afraid he will stray, obviously that has not stopped him so far, please do not risk that baby for an STD, have you read up on herpes and pregnancy? pretty serious IMO, please, get help for yourself, do not worry about his mental status.

Yes, both husband and I are Christians!

I guess I would ask him what is plan is for "never doing it again".

I don't know what to tell my husband to do to prove to me that he will never do again what he has done. He tells me that the ball is in my court as well as the therapist. People say "What can he do?" What is, there for him to do? How can I get him to prove that he's changed or just out of the blue stopped? I have no clue. Do I have to implant him with gps? Actually, now I wish I could. Everytime I see him on his computer I can't help but wonder if he's checking for emails from other women. I don't wish this on any human. I bet we all think that this could never happen to us or think that if it did we would instantly leave our spouse. If only there weren't consequences to punish someone after they've basically ruined your mental state, which feels like will be forever. If anyone has ideas or had their cheating spouses do things to prove themselves, please let me know. Check his phone every day? Not going to work, to easy to press erase.

You can install a keylogger on the computer. Then you will know what he is doing.

Coren...

Listen to believer...a keylogger is important. You install, you hold the password...you can learn to trust but verify.

Same for cell phone...you can check his cell records online...as much as you want. No erasing possible.

What can he do? He can tell you where he's going to be and when...and he can be where he says he is and give YOU ways to verify. He can act transparently...answer any question and share his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perception and perspective. He can plan and execute 15 hours of UA a week with you...

He can make the boundary that he's not on the computer unless you're home and beside him (and there is software you can install to cut off online access certain hours of the day).

What rebuilt my trust? First, me owning my own triggers. And when I triggered (that fear leapt up), I would ask for his cell phone and he would hand it to me and I would do my thing. I would say, "I can't tell if this is just a trigger or my intuition." And he would stay present with me while I did my verifying. Then I would hand it back to him and thank him for being transparent.

Know what I found out nearly three years later? That my verifying helped him to not contact OW. Because he knew I would be checking. He thanked me for it. Said it helped him out...to quit his addiction.

Punishment gets us to terrible pain in our marriage. We cannot punish someone into better behavior...because we have no control over others, their choices...only ours. We can't love them into better behavior...or reward them into it. We don't have that control.

Only you control yourself, your choices, and your intent. If you want to verify actions because you want to prove him wrong, bad or awful...then that will be your result. If you want to verify the truth, so you can live in it and from it, THAT will be your result.

Under your control. Not his.

LA

my husband just oredered it for his computer.

Okee dokee, first of all my husband has a laptop. He brings it to work with him eveyday. Second, he has himself as a user and guest user. Now, him as a user is password protected, so I can't get into it. Also, my husband says that there is classified documentation in there because of his job, which is for the government. So there is no access to anything on that side of his computer. Yesterday, I went through his cell phone in front of him, through his phone book, I found his lover in there, of course deleted it. Then I went through the bookmarks on his web in his phone and deleted all of the porn sites which were a lot. The thing is as I was doing this he got mad at me. He also made a comment that He didn't have to prove anything to me and that he wasn't going to live like this. Of course, I got heated at that comment because I figure he goofed up big and yes he does need to prove to me. As well, I started to feel bad that I went through his phone and I know that I shouldn't feel that way. How can I go through his things without feeling like I'M now betraying him? Also, our cell phones are prepaid phones and I don't think that you can check records plus our phones are in his name. He also ordered keylogger for his computer, he says people at work use his computer and he wants to find out what anyones doing. I have my laptop. I never want to use his because I'm not hiding anything and I don't feel I need to be observed. I'm staring to feel like the bad guy here because I don't trust him. He wants to get past this and move on with our lives. Everytime, I bring something up, he's like here we go again, it's going to be like this everyday. It's starting to get to me because I'm also now becoming that person where in my head I'm saying I better get past this or I'M going to be the one to lose HIM ! In the mean time, I'm also dealing with his infedelity, in my head 24 hrs a day. I'm always picturing in rendezvous in my head because I saw the pics of them. I'm still in the hurt and can't believe this happened to me, painful mode. I'm still hearing the emails in my head that he's sent to ONE of his lovers. Come on now this is not fair!