I don't know about taking classified info home on a laptop. I work for the government, and NO classifed info leaves the installation. Sounds suspicious to me.

His attitude stinks, and doesn't bode well for recovery. I would get some individual counseling if I were you.

To second what believer said, if he works with classified material on a laptop and brings it home at night, he is either lying or in danger of going to prison. You can't just take classified information home with you at night, and no, password protection is not legitimate to safeguard that information. If he was allowed to bring it home, he should be able to show you a courier card and the safe he locks the laptop up in at night.

Based on your description of his behavior, your husband needs a reality check. If he wants to save your marriage, he has take responsibility for the dissolution of your trust and his life needs to be an open book now. Simply forgetting and moving on is not a valid recovery method and he needs to understand it. My guess is that he has not read any information regarding affairs and you need to convince him to do so. I just started reading "Surviving an Affair" and I would recommend it for both of you as well. You can find it by following the Bookstore link at the top of the page.

To be honest, it sounds like he is sorry that he got caught, not sorry that he did it. Please dont ever feel guilty for checking up on him. You are absolutely right to check his phone, or whatever else is available to you. He did this to your marriage, not you! Just remember though, you can't change someone who doesn't think they need to be changed. If he gives you a guilt trip for checking up on him, take that as a significant warning sign.

Okay Coren, that's encouraging to hear.

Now let me ask you another question or two.

If your husband will not submit in obedience to God, why would you think that he will honor his covenant promises to you?

IF your husband is a Christian, just how important IS his faith to him, or is it just a "thing" to "pull out" when it's convenient to him? In short, what sort of relationship does he think he has with God?

I take it that what God sacrificed FOR him really doesn't mean much to him, is that about right? God is not worthy of his service and humble obedience, right?

You mentioned that the two of you were in counseling. Is that Joint Christian counseling with someone who is trained in, and committed to, saving marriages as well as addressing the responsibilities of believers TO God?

God bless.

Coren,

It really seems that most people here, including you have pretty much beat down your husband. From a man's prospective, I will say that he was dead wrong for what he did. But as Dr. Harley says, affairs are rarely the result of one person's actions, but both. Please examine what your husband said about seeking peace because the two of you argue so much.

When he came home from work, were you fussing with him from the moment he walked in? Do you think her ever felt that nothing he does for you is right? Because you are pregnant, there is a possibility that you have been moody and since this is you first child with him, he probably doesn't understand.

As far as why he did it multiple time, being with these other women allowed him to escape the responsibility of dealing with the problems in your marriage. If you want it to work, it can and he can change. Also, his past behavior is not a prediction of the future.

Some small changes he can take to regain your trust are to tell you where he is going, who with and how long he will be gone. Have him tell you when he will be back and to call if he is going to be late. If he doesn't call, your mind is going to make you believe he is cheating again.

Explain to him that these things are to help you to trust him again. In addition, being pregnant probably made it difficult to meet is need for SF and hence added to reasons why he strayed.

Open up the lines of communication with him and explain to him how you feel and were feeling. Don't forget that even though you were pregnant, he still needed you. If that didn't happen, and I don't mean selfishly, then who was he suppose to go to.

I am not justifying his affairs, but rather asking you to discuss it at length with him to find the real reasons.

You may be surprised.

trinityjax1

Coren,
I would just like to remind you that you are not in any way responsible for your H's choices to have affairs and use pornography.

You are both responsible for the state of your marriage, but he is responsible for the affair/pornography choices he made.

Peer reviewed literature does indicate that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Your H showed irritation that you would delete information about his affair partner and that you would delete porn information from his computer. It is up to him to show what his plan is to change his behavior. Showing irritation over your efforts to protect your marriage is not a good sign that he is willing to change his behavior.

I am very sorry that you find yourself here, but it is the very best place for you to be considering your marital situation. Please listen to the senior members who have been supporting you on this thread.

What does your counselor mean regarding the ball is in your court? Does the counselor mean that it is up to you to decide if you want to stay in this marriage? I see that as your decision at this point. If you want to stay in the marriage, then as I understand it, marriage builders principals may not work for a spouse with addiction issues. Perhaps the senior marriage builder members could clarify this point for you and me.

But I see your H as needing to take some action now. Please think about what other members have said regarding his secrecy on his computer. As I understand it, they are saying that your H's excuse about government secrets on his computer is not likely to be factual. It sounds like he is still keeping secrets from you. Again, I am sorry about all you are going through and just wanted to support you after I read the last response on your thread.