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I have been lurking here for a bit and trying to follow the plans spelled out. I executed a long Plan A as best I could and just recently move into plan B. I have been receiving some guidance from a few posters privately and they encouraged me to start posting here.
Summary (it's ugly):
I have temporary primary custody of our two young children. WW lives away from the family and has initiated steps to D. I am a Christian and am replying heavily on my faith to get us (kids and I) through this difficult time. My love bank is dangerously low but I remain hopeful that reconciliation is possible.
OM1 is an old BF that she has maintained an EA with through our marriage, even went PA a few years back. EA with OM2 and OM3 late last year via e-mail and chat, then OM1 back in the picture. I have fully exposed to WW's family and our close friends, and I even called OM1's parents. Have seen WW with BHOM4 recently, but suspect that WW and OM1 are underground until D is finalized
Hoping that you all can aide me through this journey in darkness.
Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
WW still continues to call, leave messages, and send e-mails to my personal e-mail address (which are bounced to another address).
I had to "break" plan B today as DD was sick and I carried her up to WW's house. All I said was "DD complained of a sore throat this morning and has a temp of 100." I documented the same info in the notebook and also wrote that WW should document any info about doctors and medication in the notebook (as there is no need for her to call me). I dropped it off and headed back to the car. Nothing else was said.
WW has also decided she wants to home school DD this year - in other words it seems she doesn't want to get a job. I passed this info on to my attorney as well.
The nighttime calling arrangement is in place - thanks princessmeggy for your suggestion.
When I got the notebook yesterday, she had scratched out on the calendar where I wrote "kids home" last week and replaced it with "Daddy's House." Same for the page where we are writing the things the kids take from home to her house and vice versa. Seems childish.
Ah, well. Living in the black from day to day.
Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
That's great about the nighttime calling but I betcha she tries to circumvent that too!
Childish is right.
So what's IABPS doing for IABPS these days?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Cool. Treading water--good (better than the alternative!) Seeing someone you love renewing spiritually-- the best! Dinner cooked and being served-- a treat! Hangin' with friends-- excellent!
Having CJ in your corner-- you're a lucky man.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Just struggling a little these last two days with plan B. I guess maybe these things are normal with kids?
Yesterday I had to pick up meds to take to her house as the kids were staying for the usual Tuesday overnight. I dropped them off on her porch, then sent a TM saying "Meds on porch."
Then today I was running late getting home and had to send another TM saying "Running late, be home in 10 mins."
I don't want to TM her, but I didn't see any way around this at the time and I kept it matter of fact - nothing more.
What concerns me is that she will take this as TMs are OK and continue to send them, again disregarding what I stated in plan B.
For others who have been in plan B or are in plan B - how dark can you really be with kids?
Other than that, I am doing awesome, feeling awesome. I am planning a little weekend getaway with the guys I went out with last night - back to Atlanta, maybe catch a Braves game and just hang out and do nothing but see the sights. One last hurray before settling into the routine for school with the kids.
Just hoping to have some further resolution on things coming out of the 8/23 mediation session. Depending on how things go, I may decide to take the house off the market until next spring so I have one less thing to worry about during the school year.
My attorney says he has everything he needs for now so I am good there - just waiting it out now.
Strangely I feel good about whichever way this goes. God is going to give me something better than what I have now - either a better and happier marriage or a better and happier life as a single dad. Like I read on someone else's thread - my future is so bright I gotta wear shades <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Ha Ha
Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
So what did your attorney think about her request to home school the kids?
Big ole...sorry Charlie.
If you've got temp primary custody then there is no way she can make you consent to that and those kids don't need to be around a WW (or her OM) at all. Enroll them in a school or daycare of YOUR chosing.
Your WW needs a JOB....divorce, let alone...attorney's are expensive.
Your WW needs a JOB....divorce, let alone...attorney's are expensive.
Egg-zactly Mr. W. Tell her to get off her azz and get a job like about 3/4 of all other Americans. Maybe then she will be tired and busy to have affairs.
Oh...I like the battle going on with her with the notebook! You see, words mean things!! And she knows it.
If you can define the family house as what it is, and then her house as "Mommy's house," then it makes her look bad (which she is!). But, if she can get everyone to agree that it is "Daddy's house" and "Mommy's house," then then she figures everything will be alright and normalized.
Trouble is, as I outlined to my wife before we went into Plan B...that if you have a "daddy's house" and a "Mommy's house," then the kids have no house! Instead, they are nomads living out of bags. Never settling into one place. Never having a home! But just bouncing between one person's house (yours) to another (hers).
Instead, you continue to define it correctly! Make sure you continue to define the house you are in as the family house, or our home...and your wife's house as hers. I would even give little reminders to my kids sometimes, like telling them that our home is your Mom's home...it is the family home. So, after awhile, they saw our home as the family home...and her home as some other place.
Oh, that would tick her off!! But hey...who cares?? She is the one forcing your kids not to have a home, but instead live as nomads. They will forever be forgetting something they need at the other house...always upset because they dont have something they need/want because it is at the other house. So, they will compensate by packing a big bacj with everything. And a I said, their entire world will be in that bag! It is very sad!
It is why I an just utterly ticked off at parents that divorce. Why? Look at the damage it does to the kids. I dont give a rats behind what the problems are...fix them! They became parents and should be good ones! And that requires them to NOT have to have their kids live out of a bag their entire lives!
So, you keep defining this the way it truly is. Let her scratch it out all she wants!! Be vigilent on this with her and with the kids. Do not think it petty. It is a huge thing.
Words mean things!
Standing in His Presence
FBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"
How can she ever think that she might be awarded custody if she refuses to get a job? I guess she thinks that the CS support check she gets will support her AND two kids? Or is mommy paying for her? Your WW is like a two year old. She's going to crash hard. How did she get wind of you here?
And another thing, why did you ever marry this woman? Do you have some self esteem issues and feel that you didn't deserve any better, or do you have a fixer personality? I think that my FWW is bad, but your WW takes the cake.
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
When you explain it to the children just emphasize that you will NEVER have your own house. Calling it "daddy's house" and "mom's house" implies that they don't have a house. No matter what...this home or any future home you live in will always be "OUR HOUSE". Nothing will ever change that.
OK, finally getting a chance to get on here and post some.
On her deal with daddy's house vs mommy's house - I will continue to write "home" and let her scratch it out. I am not playing this childish game I would think that her continuing to do this would show her inability to recognize that the kids have a home - and it's no effort on my part to have to document this - she does it for me. I'm going to let my attorney and the GAL see this stuff. The funny thing is, I have a calendar in the notebook showing the days when the kids stay with her. The description says the "V" indicates visitation dates, away from the children's home. She filled in some dates herself for hwne they would be with her, thereby acknowledging the kid's home is with me. Remember she also gave me an invitation to the birthday party she did for DD - it was for me and DS. Again, and acknowledgment that DS's home is with me.
Jim - don't know for sure that she knows I am posting here, however it was strongly recommended by fellow posters especially since she knows of Marriage Builders, and especially since one of the last times we spoke I point blank asked about going to the MB Weekend.
So the thing she pulled with me on Friday. I had put a note in the notebook that said something along the lines of "please put the ATM card of the joint account in the pouch as I am closing the joint account." I got a note back from her that said:
Quote
You explained to me, "...please do not use this notebook to communicate anything but topics relevant to the kids." I am confused by your cognitive dissonance.
Yep, her quote is taken straight from the PBL - so I know now without a doubt she read it. But she left out this line - "We can add any other information that may be in the kids best interests." Now maybe I was off here, but my thought was that keeping the family finances in order WAS in the kid's best interests. Of course I still did not get the ATM card back, but this is what really pisses me off to no end (although after writing this I have to laugh at her logic"
. She wants to homeschool DD and listed her reasons for the benefits of homeschooling, how it had benefited DS, and that she had volunteered to do this to spend invaluable time with DD. 2. She pulls this "cognitive dissonance" term from her studies in her psychology degree.
But, she carries on in an affair and decides she wants to get a divorce for no other reason than she wants to FEEL like she is free, and could care less about the destruction of her life, my life, and the kids lives. It's all about her she feels right now.
How the crap does she resolve that on her head? When I read that note (and after I went to look up what cognitive dissonance is) I wanted to call her up and tell her to shove that degree where the sun doesn't shine. She is making a mockery of her own field of study. It's WW psychology - pick and chose the elements that fit what SHE wants to do.
After three weeks of plan B, the most dark I felt was last week when the kids and I went on vacation. The other two weeks have had their share of drama but I have not let myself get completely sucked into it. But what I do see is that all these little things built up and this recent event with her note just kinda sent me over the edge.
Oh, I need to get her mom over to our house and get her remaining stuff from the basement (long story, but she stayed with us for about 6 months from 2004 - 2005, Yes there is STILL stuff in there). I thought about writing a letter saying some thing like "As you may already know, we are having to to sell our house because of the impact that your daughter' decision to have an affair and leave our family has had. Please have your remaining stuff out of our basement by the end of September, otherwise I will have to rent a truck and haul it off to the dump."
Honestly, I don't know why I am not taking more action to plan D right now. This person I see is not who I want to have an M with, and I don't see her changing. She is living the life that many in her family have already lived. She could have so much more yet choses to have so little. And for what?
OK, so now that I have vented this anger out I feel a little better. Off to bed so I will be able to focus in church tomorrow.
'Nite all.
Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
Why do you need the ATM card back? Just call the bank and cancel it. I think you did kinda break Plan B with that but since I never did a Plan B I could be very wrong.
Also as to the mother-in-law, I would just say "please make arrangements to get your things by such and such date as we are selling the house." What good does it do to get your rub in at this point? Doesn't MIL already know what's going on?
I LOVE what she's doing with the notebook. She's showing her colors.
I feel so bad for you right now. I'm saying a prayer for you and your marriage.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
PM - I suppose there could have been the better way, but I was trying to prevent backlash on her part. She could spin it as "He canceled my card without telling me and I could not get food for the kids" which COULD make me look like I don't care about my kids well being.
Yes - MIL does know but refuses to acknowledge and accept it. That was an angry response - will be cleaned up.
Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
