I changed the thread title to hopefully get more traffic.


Hi. I am new to this board.
Me-BS 35
WH 38
Married 8 years.
Together for almost 12.
No kids

Here is the background...
My dday was 6/7/07. The OP left a note at my house
telling me that they have been having an affair for the last year and she was pregnant and that my WH wanted her to have an abortion. This matter is complicated because we have been undergoing infertility treatment for the last year. We have been married for 8 years. Together for 11 years. No kids. Well, he promised No Contact and did not maintain. He stated that he wanted to be married. They had an abortion on 6/14/07. I knew how much he would want that child. I told him to make the decision independantly of me. Of course, that is difficult. Anyway, they continued contact after the abortion. She had bleeding and he claimed that that was what the contact was about. I didn't believe him. On July 18, I found a text message from her. It was vulgar. He tried to play it off. Again, he stated that he wanted to stay married. On July 20, more texts. July 25, she goes to the doctor for bright red bleeding. The doctor says she was still pregnant. July 26, he takes her to ER. July 28, takes her for second abortion. Now they have romanticized the pregnancy and the abortion. A symbol of their love. They should have stayed together. He wrote this blog about their love affair and the abortion. She critiques it. On Aug. 1, we went out. He was drunk and became ballistic. He was screaming at me. How much he hates me. WAnts a divorce. I have done nothing but hold him back. It was really bad. I had to call my mom and sister to get me (this is how they found out). I called the OP to get him. He was crazy. He needed help. Thursday morning he came home. I told him that if he wanted a D then to file. I told him that he could live in the back bedroom. That I would not do his laundry. Thursday night he goes to her house (she lives with her parents, they were not home). He texted me that he would come home. He didn't. Friday morning he came home. we talked. He said all that he wanted to do was leave there and come home. He promises me 4 times that he will not have her in our home. Friday night I go out with my sister. Come home and find him happy. I ask if he talked to her. If he saw her. He of course denies. Up in the back room I find her bracelet. I knew that she was there. I check my spy stuff and find on the computer an email he sent to her. She had been there. in my home. I lose it. I call her. Screamed ballistically. She is trying to get digs in to me because I don't work. I ignore.
I am out of my mind. No sleep for 3 days now. Saturday I prepare the letter for her parent's. I give copies of the letter that she sent me. Letters from WH to me. Emails that they sent each other. Emails that WH sent to me. Parents not home when the package gets there. I am waiting nervously all day. WH suspects that I may deliver. He tries to manipulate and threaten me via email. I don't bite. I just keep reminding him that these have been his choices. Finally emails me that he is disappointed in me and my family for stooping to his level. As if notifying her parents is equal to an adulterous affair in my home? On Sunday, he comes home from work. We talk. He is ok at first then gets angry. Leaves and goes to gym. comes home. leaves and goes to lunch. I call to say that I am going out. He comes home. When I get home, I call him. He tells me that he went to meet her. He comes home. I tried no LB's. I was all matter of fact. Thanks for the honesty. It hurts me that you left to see her. On monday,
he emailed me. He said that everthing is telling him to leave, but, he looks at me and knows that he should stay.
He came home. I had dinner for him (an EN). He was very thankful. We went to a baseball game. Our conversation was about the A and her. Came home. Had a conversation. I cried. It was emotional. I don't want all of our conversation to be about this.

I talked to Steve yesterday morning. His big concern is talking to my WH. WH is unable to talk to him this week. (he is a dr. and is not able to spend an hour on the phone while at work. Steve has limited hours during the summer). So, my question is, what can I do during this time? I am trying to implement Plan A. I am really trying to meet his EN. I know one is domestic stuff. Which I have failed at. I am making him dinner. Cleaning. Doing laundry. Trying to organize.

I am really trying hard to end the LB's. I have not had one since the outbreak on Saturday (Steve said that was understandable).

Also, I need help with conversation stuff. He is really withdrawn right now. All I can think of is the affair. It is really hard.

Any help or suggestions would help.

Welcome to marriage builders. You have done the best thing by talking the Steve. He is an expert.

So did her parents get the exposure information and know about the affair? That is very important.

I would concentrate on eliminating LB's and angry outbursts. Come here to vent. We understand.

Also, since you know that domestic support is one of his emotional needs, start meeting that one. Check out flylady.com to get some help. She has an easy and fun way to get things done.

What were the problems before the affair?

Thanks Believer.

That's just it. I am trying really hard not to be naive.
But, I have difficulty coming up with things that were wrong with the marriage. WH and I spend almost all of our free time together. I don't work and his schedule is very flexible. So, we would spend our days together. My dad died 4 years ago and I would have bouts of insomnia since. So, I had a tendency to sleep late. That is when he would go with the woman. In the mornings. Right before dday, I was diagnosed with hypothyroid and placed on meds. Well, the insomnia stopped and since I wake up early.

Now he yells that he is mad that I don't have a job. How am I supposed to get a job when he did this and I was home?

Also, he is upset that our house is not painted/decorated.
I am working on this. Have painters coming to give quotes.

Any suggestions for conversation? I know that it sounds dumb. We used to talk all the time. Never a dull moment. Now, it lags. And, he told me that they had lunch last week (on Fri) and after an hour he had run out of conversation. He said, "I missed you. We never run out of things to talk about." Well, now I feel this pressure!!!

I think that her parent's got the information. WH has been withdrawn. He said that he is disappointed. He has not told me how her parent's have reacted. He did say that now he has two familes that hate him. Also, I asked him if he talked to her yesterday while he was at work. He said she called him on his cell on the way to work, but he did not call her back. I asked if he emailed her. And, he said that she is not big on email anymore. That even if he did email her, he doubted that she would respond.

Thanks for the reply.
This just sucks!!!!

If you've met with Steve, is it safe to assume you have read SAA & HNHN?

As for your H getting mad....that's the WS' M.O. Expect it.

Only react to legitimate items. Not the babbling ones.

Steve can help you know the difference....we can also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Finish your plan A and move forward.

The OW sees your H as her meal ticket out of her parent's house. Finish the exposure to her parents. She's got to leave the nest sometime. When are her parents due back? When you expose, raise the question that there may be other men she has been doing. Who knows?!?!? You may be right!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Work on the home, and get it all in shape. You want it to be warm and welcoming. Also be sure to cook for him if that is important to him.

If he didn't want you to get a job BEFORE the affair, I doubt that it would help. It would just give him more freedom to carry on.

Infertility treatments are stressful on the marriage too. It is especially painful that she got pregnant. It could be from someone else though. These OW come up with all kinds of nefarious plans to hook their married men.

Yes, the pregnancy has become the real sticking point. She had an abortion. I don't think that it was his child. He has low sperm morphology. However, he has a need to believe that it was his child (per our old mc) and trying to argue with him is pointless. However, d/t his low morphology, he thinks that she is the one for him. They got pregnant. They also chose to abort it. This fact has become their torch. They both have great remorse over this decision. My husband is extremely conservative and pro life. She has told him how are you going to make this up to me and now he feels that he owes her. All of these feelings were discussed before the reveal to her parents. I don't think her parents are going for any of this.

I am continuing to cook. Get the house decorated.

Thanks for the info. about the job. I don't think that he cares about me not working. But, in one of our talks, he did say that he liked it when I worked because it made him feel proud of me (I am a nurse). I think I will get a volunteer position that I can do while he is at work. That way I am doing something but not giving him more time to cheat.

Thanks for all of your input!

One more thing.

Tonight he is going to a mutual (our) friend's house.
Do I ask him if he has plans to meet her
before or after going to our friend's?
Is it ok to ask him if he talked to her today?

thanks for help!

Hello!!

I know how you feel about the domestic thing. Same problem I have with my WH. Bad thing is the OW is as bad or worse that me about it.

Go to flylady.com. I did & I have started doing the 28 day program of babysteps. Started Saturday & WH noticed!!! I'm doing all I can to keep it up. I have also started decorating the house even though that was not one of his problems.

Hang in there. My Dday was Oct. 26, '07. I saw signs of the fog lifting Saturday morning. I am so happy but cautiously optimistic because I know it doesn't happen overnight. We have a long hard road back.

When I started coming here, I had a hard time with the babble. princessmeggy suggested saying this to myself when he was being hurtful "This is not my husband." I added "this is an alien that has taken over his body." I even got my kids saying it. Sounds funny but it helps. That way you don't take things personally, like I did.

WH went to meet her today before going out with our friend. he is flaunting A in my face. Doesn't say where he is going but admits it when he gets home.
Then says to me, "Well, I am staying here to see how it goes." See how it goes???? We have been together for almost 12 years!!! Married for 8 and he wants to shee how it goes!!!! I just smiled and said great. Turned and walked away. it took all of my might not to yell F You!!!
But, I didn't. What do I do about the A. Do I ask about the OP? What does it matter as he so obviously could care less that I know??? He doesn't care at all.

Help!!!
Please Help!!

Good job not going to Plan F-You. It is extremely difficult to get a good Plan A going when they flaunt the affair in your face. He is trying to bait you into a fight. Don't fall for it. However, you can let him know that you are very hurt that he is seeing his adultery partner.

Have you exposed the affair to friends and family?

Here is just a guess at what has happened. They are having an affair, and he has confessed to OW that the two of you are trying for children. She knows it is important to him.

So somewhere there is another guy who she has sex with, and comes up pregnant. Voila, an instant answer to your hubby's problems, and so easy too. Why, her ovum must be just made for his sperm!

But, oops, there is a hitch. Since your husband isn't a dummy, and was undergoing treatment for infertility, he may at some point ask for a DNA test. So she agrees to an abortion. (I'd sure like to have been a fly on the wall when that discussion came up). Now she has proved that they are meant to have babies together, and there is not a problem with the paternity test.

I know it seems far-fetched, but it may be what is happening. Very often the OW who has her hooks in a married man and gets pregnant refuses to have an abortion. She's got him by the balls, for lifetime contact and child support.

I totally agree with the pregnancy thing. In her own words, she said that he asked for a paternity test. She claims to be offended, but, lo and behold, she agrees to the abortion. I agree with everything that you have said. I just can't believe this.

Where is my husband? When will he come back?
That is why I am having trouble just letting this go. I want my husband back. Not this alien.

His family is pretty much nonexistant in his life and ours. I sent her family a pack of stuff on Saturday. I don't know if they have received it. He just doesn't seem that mad and they continue to meet. I think I am going to send another pack to her father at work. That way she cannot intercept it.

I have notified friends. All of his friends are through me. My guy friends from high school. One of them he met last night. (Which he used as a cover and met her before). This guy was one of my best friends for about 20 years and now he says, "I am going to support both of you in your decisions." So, you would encourage a crazy person to leave his wife of 8 years and be with a fling??

Sorry for all of the babble. I hate this. I just want my husband back!

He did sleep in our bed last night.

So, I stay calm in the flaunting? Do I ask where he is going before hand? Do I ask questions about it after the fact?

I didn't this time and I knew (intuition) that he was going to meet her. I asked when he got home. He told me where he had been. He tried to rationalize it. I said thanks for your honesty. It really hurts me that you continue to meet her. So, did you have fun at Our friends's?

Ugh, I can't believe this.
It has been 9 long weeks and I still can't believe this is my life. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I love my husband, but is he ever going to come back??

It has been 2 days and already I want to give up.
I hate this. How long do I have to take this??
I hate the flaunting. I can't stand the indecision. How can he even consider her as an option???
How can he just give up on 11 years of our lives???
I hate this!!!

How do you know if there is hope??

How much do you know about OW? If she had a man in the wings to help her out with the pregnancy, I doubt this Man has disappeared. I would find out all I could about her and her other relationships as part of the exposure plan.

I don't think she has a man in the wings. I think she did have sex with another man. But, I don't know if she is having a relationship with someone else.

I am continuing to have trouble.
How long do you do this plan A?
Do you not ask him questions about her?

Also, we are supposed to go on a vacation next week. We leave Tues. I don't know if we should go. He has his first appt. with SH on Monday. Yesterday he became all angry and said "I am not doing the counseling appt on Monday" I very calmly said that is fine is there a reason why?" He said, "I don't want to spend the 150$" I said, "that's ok, don't do it. I wish you would get the infromation and just see what he says." Then he says, "Well, I said I would do it. I guess I will do it." I said, "just see what he says. if you dont' like him you never have to talk to him again."

At any rate, this sucks. Do I go on the vacation?
I think it is a setup for failure. But, the OW was mad that he was taking me on a beach vacation. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

When do you go to Plan B? It has been 10 weeks of pure ******.

I am getting to the point where I can't do this. I want to be married to a man that loves me and wants to be a family with me. I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. I am 35 and I have infertility issues. Is it time to find someone else to share these dreams with??

Someone out there please help me.

Do I continue on plan A or change to plan B?

I don't mean to get desperate here but I am.

My husband works tonight and the woman has stayed the night with him at work. Do I go there and be with him so she can't?

What do I do about the Vacation? Do we go??

How do you get through this???

When is enough enough??

Is it legal for the OW t/b at his work? Where's his boss? Can't you report it or expose the A?

Do you want to go on vacation with a WS? What are the pros and cons?

We can't tell you what to do. We can only suggest. You have to make that decision.

L.

He is a physician and he has a call room where they go. His boss is not there at night. I didn't know if I should report the affair or not to work since she is not an employee there.

I don't know about the vacation. Pros- I would like to be on a beach. I would like to be away from cell phones. I would like to be alone. OW was irritated about him planning this vacation. Cons-He will be miserable. He will decide that he doesn't want to be with me after our 8 days together. I will be away from friends and family for support.

That's all I can come up with right now.

I know that I have to make the decision but I need help with the process. I feel really overwhelmed.

thanks

Why is she allowed in his work environment? Expose to the workplace.

L.