I would go on vacation with him, and Plan A. Of course he may constantly try to call her. That will be a drag, but I would go anyway. At least she will be very angry about it, and that may cause them to start fighting.

Have you exposed the affair at his work?

I agree, I would go on the vacation. Plan A, sexual fulfillment, admiration, recreational accompaniment. Have fun with him. Lots of it if he lets you. Reed about reverse babble.

Try to take "Fall in love, Stay in Love" with you

I agree with MB in that you have every right to divorce him. He is hurting you so badly.

Infertility treatments are stressful on the marriage too. It can make sex feel… so… mechanical and physiological.

Did Steve Harley talk about plan B already? With out kids it is not a given.

When did he finish his residency?


DLK21


DLK21

If he was a WONDERFUL husband before, he may be worth waiting for. Affairs almost always end, so I'm sure he will be back.

Only you can decide if he is worth waiting for, and also, how badly you want children.

I was a late mom - had my first at 37 and 2nd at 40. Now I can't IMAGINE not having children. If things had not worked out, I probably would have chosen adoption.

He was a WONDERFUL husband. Everything that I could ask for. Except this. I never had a clue. He was my best friend. Yet, he would look at me and I knew that he loved me, only me. Then, enter june 7. Now it is not there.

I went by his work yesterday. She was there tonight. Sleeping in his call room. I called him. Stayed extremely calm on the phone. Did LB's.

I don't know about the vacation. It is paid for. I have not determined anything. I just don't think I can be a doormat anymore. He was supposed to talk to SH on Monday. We will see.

I think that the end is near. I feel strangely calm. I love my husband. I would love to have a family and be with him. But, I don't want this man. And, he has a history of running away, he doesn't know how to fight. He doesn't know how to stay. I wish he could. I wish he wasn't willing to give up everything. I wish he knew that the grass was not greener. But, I know that I can't make him. He is always flaunting this affair. I can't make him change but I have to protect myself. I have to protect my sanity.

I wish I knew the right course. I wish I knew God's plans. But, I just have to pray for guidance. I have to have faith where none can be felt.

Thanks for all of your help and insights. I will fill you in tomorrow. Please pray for me (if you do that).

Why is she allowed in the workplace?

L.

"She was sleeping in his call room"!

Separation overnight is really hard on a marriage. Bill Harley would ask you to think about sleeping yourself in his call room. Your trust in him is now obsolete. You can only rely on being with him and him being totally transparent and justifying all of his time. Being on call is so open to being available to infidelity.

This is a major crisis. If she is a coworker, he would have to work somewhere else.

I hope you get to talk to Steve Monday.

This must be very hard on you. Does he come home this week end or is he on call?


DLK21

God's plan is for you to stay married.

If he was a good husband before, he will be a good husband again. Think of him as being addicted to the other woman like a drug addict. Please go on vacation and spend some fun time with him. Do the things you used to do together when you were dating. Attract him back.

The other woman has her hooks in him and would like him to leave you. Don't help her out. You are his wife and have a history with him. She doesn't. Use that to your advantage.

I will take your advice and start sleeping in his call room.
I can't believe this. Now he is just flaunting his affair
in my face. We talked this morning and then went to get the car washed. Went to lunch. Went to the gym. I walk up to him at the gym and he is texting her.
We have plans to go out to a game tonight. Oh, he just left to meet her. Tells me to my face. They just want to see each other. Seriously???? How do I dissuade this?


I remained calm. But, I did through some LB's out there. How is this ok? How do you not LB???

I am really trying.

He talks to Steve on Monday. Then we leave on Tuesday.
I am nervous about the trip. I think that he thinks he is going to base our marriage on that trip. Crazy, huh?

I also think it is God's plan for me to stay married. But, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Today he gave he the old, I love you, but, I don't know if I want to be married. I can't stop thinking about her.

I know he is addicted. I know it. But, I just want to throw him out so badly... I am so sick of this. The flaunting is absolutely awful. Well, in some ways. At least now, I don't have that horrible "gut" feeling.
Now, it is just real and I can process it.

I don't know if her parents received my packet of information. Also, he threatened me today. "I told her if you send anything else to just send it to your mom's." (Like that was a threat as my mom knows almost everything).
And, "If you do that, I will leave." I LB'd after that one.

How do you not LB???

What do you do with the flaunting?
How do I attract him back?
I am trying but sometimes the conversation is strained.
I am trying not to talk about the affair all the time.

Do I expose to her work and his work?
They do not work together. She works in a retail store.
Should I call her parents? Or just resend the info. to her father's place of employment? That way he will for sure get it.

Thanks for all of your help and encouragement.
I would have given up last night if not for your replies.

One more thing...

Do WS's really recover?
I know that there has to be some out there.

Were any this fogged out and recovered??

thanks

My question still stands. Why was she allowed at his workplace? He is a doctor. Aren't there restricted areas where NON-employees are NOT allowed?

Btw, you shouldn't have to sleep in his call room. That's for those on call.

L.

Continue exposing - to his work, her parents, your friends, etc. It is awful how he is flaunting it, but sadly, that is par for the course.

My ex wanted his Harley, and took it and just about ran over me to get away. He could hardly wait to get it and ride off into the sunset with the OW.

Do you know anything about the OW? Where did they meet?

Do I expose to her work too?
What do you write in those letters or do you call?

I don't think her parents read the packet that I sent them.
I think she intercepted it.

How do you deal with the flaunting?

She is able to stay in his call room because it is a private area where only the doctor on call stays.

What do I do about the flaunting?

When is it time to give up?

want, I second what the others told you here. Expose the affair. If the OW intercepted the package, then drive over there and knock on the door and hand the parents the package. Have a chat with them. [leave your pistol out in the car in case the OW is there]

Expose your H at work for his use of hospital facilities to carry on his affair.

Other than that, I would just rely on Steve's advice. I would be planning to go into Plan B if I were you, but you should follow Steve's professional advice.

Thanks for the advice.

Steve has not really given me anything as he keeps telling me he wants to talk to the WH.

WH has an appt. with Steve tomorrow. We leave for vacation on Tuesday. Do I expose to work tomorrow? Or wait for return so WH has to deal with effect not after two weeks off from work?

Also,
Any helpful tips with the flaunting of the affair?

Wantthistowork,

I think you are doing a great job.

If he lets you, and especially if he likes you to, continue to go and sleep with him in his call room.


Unless Steve advises otherwise, still go on the vacation and try to do a great plan A so that if needed your can move into plan B on your return with him having good memories of you.

He might try to ‘break up with you », on that trip. Just answer that a marriage is based on a commitment and voluntarily made to be more stable than other types of relationships and so he can’t just « break up with you ».

I was never very good in the flaunting the affair department, and now I'm divorced.

I think that you need to set a deadline in your head (no need to tell HIM, because that would be an ultimatum. Decide if you think you can do a good Plan A for a month, 2 months, or 3. Then DO it. If you know it won't go on forever, it may be easier.

When he talks about the OW, you might ask him what she does that he likes so much. That is one way to get some clues. Try that if you don't think it will be too hurtful.

You have the best counseling now, so I would definitely go by what the Harleys say.

That being said, I would go happily on the vacation.

DLK and Believer,
Thanks for the replies.
Steve didn't want me to go on the vacation until he talked to WH. Well, he talks to WH tomorrow and trip is Tuesday. So, I have no idea what Steve's advice would be. That has had me stressed out. I am trying to be positive. But, I do think that he has too much pressure on this trip, ie, if it is great and he doesn't think about her then he will stay married to me. Pressure that I cannot live up to.

But, I am hopeful. We have always traveled excellently together. I was thinking the same thing. Good Plan A then home for Plan B. (After I talk with Steve). He may decide to move out then too. But, I am slowly coming to terms with this. I do not want this man to be my husband. I want the man that loved me and only me back. I hope he is in there. But, I don't know if he is strong enough to do the work that is necessary.

Funny, I have learned that I am really a strong woman. I never knew how resillent I was. So, that is one positive that I have gained in the last 10 weeks. I am coming to the realization that I will be fine no matter what my path.
Sad, but fine.

Thanks for all of the tips. Believer, how long did you last with the flaunting??

DLK, I did go to his work tonight. I left at 130am. I just cannot handle her going there. Between my home and the call room, it drives me nuts. They have been my turf and that really irritates me!!!

Thanks again.
If you pray, please pray for me and my WH to have strength!

I would go on holiday and expose to his boss. If anyone needs a holiday its you. If he doesn't go then look at it as 180% turn. He sees you as getting on with your life and that will hit him even if he doesn't admit it. If he comes then you can push Plan A, if he doesn't then you can't change anything staying where you are immediately. If he doesn't go you come back with a nice sun tan (very attractive). The fact that he is willing to speak to Steve is a good bonus. Most WS won't contemplate seeing a MC. And you are right you don't want this man as your H. He is wayward so is nothing like your H. Your H has been abducted by aliens and they have given you an idiot in place of him.

Each day gets better, that's a fact.Even if you take 2 steps forward a one back it gets better.

HAF

Thanks HAF.

We will see how it went.
Our last MC he lied to the entire time.
Stated he was in NC and was lying.

I put a call in to Steve to see if he would email or call
me with his advice.

I am trying to be strong. That is about all that I can do!
Thanks for the reply and the advice!