Orchid,

If you read this, do you have any suggestions for the flaunting of the affair?
I read your post on Reverse Babble. I know that you
said it was best used in plan B. Not there yet.
Any suggestions for the flaunting would be appreciated.

Thanks,
wttw

Just a quick update.
WH talked to Steve and liked him
Did not go into much detail but said that he was
much different from previous MC. He said he had good
information and his plan seemed logical.
Steve told him that the vacation was a good idea b/c it will remove him from OW and WH needs time away.

Steve also said that he wants us to call from vacation on Weds. for appt together.
WH not big on this idea. But, I am setting up appt.

WH also said he feels less guilt. I didn't press for more info. But, does anyone know what Steve tells WH's that would make him feel less guilt??

But, go figure, as soon as he hung up, he went to go see OW. "I just had to see her. It is so hard." I tried a small amt of Reverse Babble and said, "yes, it is so hard"
Then just nothing.

Well, I feel better about the trip. I was nervous when Steve told me he didn't think I should go. Now that he said it was ok, I feel better. I just feel like SH knows the best path and I want to try it his way. Whatever the outcome, then, at least I know that I tried the best possible way and I will have comfort and peace in that.

Thanks to everyone for all of the encouragement.
You all have really and truly been lifesavers these last few days. It is such a lonely road.

I appreciate all of the support.

I’m glad you started counselling with him. Boy this is going to be hard on you. I really hope there is no logic behind your WH’s affaire and that it is doomed in a short period of time.

It is a strange thing that of attracting the WS with no guilt. But WS look for what is in it for them first and SH tries to appeal to that in a logical reasonable way.

Flaunting: you may want to read my posts on Public Adultery
On your trip, Bill Harley would probably say to look for what the OW is bringing to your WS and try to fulfill this need. Is it SexF, RecC, Admiration, a beautiful spouse and try to fulfill this need if he lets you and to the degree that he does. You will be priming the pump and doing a plan A. MDs have big egos. Flattery can get you far.

You may feel like you are disrespecting your self but, if you know what you are doing, and trying to save your marriage, and that it is only for a finite period of time, you can make the balance sway back to your side.

Good luck HTW

DLK21

Glad hubby liked talking to Steve. Most WH's do. I think he lets them know the reasons they got themselves into this mess, and offers a way out. Just know that hubby WILL be thinking about what Steve told him. Your job is to do a good Plan A and don't love bust with disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

I didn't do good with the flaunting. If you realize that he is not meaning to hurt you, it may help. I did best when I just pretended that my husband was sick.

Right now, you are meeting some of your husband's needs, and the OW is meeting others. It would be helpful to figure out WHICH ones she is meeting and meet them yourself, IF he will let you.

I would go on vacation and force yourself to have a good time. If he is texting/calling the OW, go do something fun. Also don't be surprised if he seems to have a nice time and then immediately sees the OW on return.

Do you know anything about the OW?

WTTW:

Good thing that WH talked to SH.

As believer said, it WILL work on him.

WH calling OW right afterward was probably good as well.

WHY?

Because he TOLD her what SH said to him....Advice about how A's start. And guess what? That isn't good news for OW.

PLEASE stuff your Love-busters.

Do you want to be married or divorced? Lovebusting will create the D faster than anything.

How can you not LB? By CHOOSING not to.

Your WH has made a choice to LB you every day his A continues. And everytime you LB him back? Makes it easier for him to rationalize his behavior.

"If only WTTW was a nice as she used to be....She only criticizes me all the time...."

OW is sweetness and light. That all WH sees. (He will see more later, but that's later, how long do you want to wait?)

You NEED to become Sweetness and light. An ALTERNATIVE to OW.

A screaming BS who nails him all the time isn't much of an alternative....

And what YOU THINK of the OW doesn't matter. Has he listened to you all the other times?

NO.

On some other issues:

Why are all our your mutual friend yours? Why does WH have no prior relationships? I find that very interesting.

Never speak of the abortion to him again. And lay off anything to do about starting a family or your fertility options, or his failures in this regard. It leads to him defending OW and you being the bad person. Sometime, deep in recovery, you can discuss this.

Make the house spotless, have it done while you are on vacation. Contact a friend to let in some cleaning folks....

If he wants the house decorated, made more fancy, than start collecting info on your vacation, what does he like. He does get a vote on how the house may look. Maybe you LOVE the way it looks. And theres nothing to change. Because he never said anything before. BIG mistake. All those little gnomes around the house might just get on his nerves, but he NEVER said anything because you liked them and you would get angry with him.

Or, maybe HE HAS done it all. And he wants you to do more.

I do not know.

Around here, we kick over the rocks sometimes, and help you find out what is really wrong and what was dysfunctional about your M.

Throw his cell phone into the surf....

Or drop it off the fourth floor balcony...OOOPPS!

Also, flirt with some other the other guests. Nothing outrageous, but bat an eyelash or two, in full view of WH. That may shake him up a bit.


LG

"All those little gnomes around the house might just get on his nerves, but he NEVER said anything because you liked them and you would get angry with him."

LOL, LG!!!!!!!!!!

Wantthis - Listen to LG. He gives excellent Plan A advice, and from a man's viewpoint.

Thanks for all of the advice DLK, LG, and Believer.
Unfortunately, I just got back and did not read before I left. Wish I would have.

He talked to Steve today again.

It was supposed to be a couple's but he talked the entire time. Then, I talked.

Yes, all of his friends are mine. No previous relationships.

Sorry that this is brief. Just wanted to thank all of you.
Will write more later.

Thanks for all of the comments.

My WW is a med. specialist. It is not easy being married to somone like that.

Take care.