Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#1925164 08/07/07 11:47 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
No-one answered my post above...

My H and I are in a "weird" plan A...He will not admit to the A he had, and my "proof" is not a "photograph" orrecorded phone call...

That said, I have been implementing some of the Plan A suggestions, namly creating a wonderful home for WH, etc.

It's VERY hard..Today he is moody again. We had about 3 good weeks, and this morning he is back to the pouty, un-communicative guy who is being controlled by the mother ship..

Our 20th anniversary is Aug. 29th. I am doing my best not to get my hopes up. I have been let down and so disappointed by this man. I am sitting here at my desk, in tears...I could use some kind words from you folks.

I am having a rough day.

sledbabe #1925165 08/07/07 06:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 24
C
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 24
hi sledbabe, sorry that you are feeling bad. i dont have any words of wisdom as i am going thru something similar, the moodiness etc. we work together and seems that when the business is rocky so goes our relationship. i am trying get a plan to work on me, so that i dont let his moods affect me. its like im attached to his hip- so when he's up- i'm up, when he's down- i'm down. shouldnt be like that- my personality has changed over the years ( 22 for me this year) its bad when your 21 yr old daughter tells me that i'm getting just like him( mood wise).

anyway- you say he wont admit to an affair- do you have actual proof at all? i know you put a voice recorder in his car- did you actually hear something incriminating or was it inappropriate- i mean, with what you heard, was it obviously an affair.

keep your spirits up - if you can- what i'm trying to do is work on me- not give him so much power over my emotions- its tough though- because i like his company- when he's up- and it makes me so sad that we cant seem to go but a couple weeks then boom, no talking-affection etc. work is stressful, but dang- having a soft spot to fall on would be nice..

chacha64 #1925166 08/09/07 06:25 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
I did not hera anything incriminating from the one day of taping.

The fact he stopped wearing his wedding band, yelled at me for stupid un-important stuff, stopped being affectionate, was angry/pouty all the time, sex with him felt like he was uncomfortable with me...after being together for so many years and generally having a very good sex life, his guilt ridden face, the fact that he was very secetive, didn't pick up his cell phone alot (It would be turned off, and he has to keep it on for work)
unaccounted for lapses of time during his work day..

sledbabe #1925167 08/09/07 09:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
God, someone please tell me what to do. I have read this site for hours and hours.

Yes, he loves me. Yes, he is with me. IMO the OW must have been the one to end the A, if in fact it has ended.

If I did insist he go with me to counseling now, is he going to get worn down, and admit to the A?

I doubt it.

Do I go that route? He begrudgingly asked if I thought he should go to MC. I told him to do it on his own, if HE WANTED TO.

I believe he isn't with someone, because he is so moody, and pouty, and mopes, and after reading so much on this site, and educating myself, IMO he is in the "mourning" phase.

The info on this site has been FAR more helpful to me than my therapist. Really.

And, she is the 3rd one I have consulted over a 4 yr period.

There is not replacement for actual, real, practical advise FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE.

You can read books and manuals on how to rebuild an engine, and it doesn't mean squat until you pick up a wrench and go to do it.

I have no other ideas on how to proceed. I can't follow him, Ihe isn't on our home computer, his cell is thru work, he travels all over our state, talks to all kinds of people, all day long....

The tape recorder I put in his truck picked up so much background noise, it was almost impossible for me to hear what was said.

I cannot do the microphone up the steering wheel thing, I have only a couple of minutes, while he is in the shower to get the thig just to replace the batteries.

We are not teckie types...this is my work pc. We have dial-up at homw, very slow, and I don't upgrade it because he was using it exclusively for viewing porn.

I only keep the internet connection to get e-mail at home.

he has a work lap top, which eh seems to guard very closely, and he claims he can't go online with it...

I am out of ideas.

He isn't going to come up to me, say he wants to talk, and spill the beans.

I feel he wants to get it off his chest sometimes. I see it in his face, hear it in his voice.

God,I pray to you, everyday to help me.

Sometimes I think he can't hear me, and there are so many other poeple in this world who need him more than I.

sledbabe #1925168 08/09/07 09:43 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
You, know chacha.. A woman just KNOWS...I have heard this, read it here, other forums, had gf's say it to me.

I just KNOW. In my gut. And, I have known in my gut for about 3-4 yrs.

I was all busted up...I couldn't physically do anything but lay in bed and cry. I have 18 pieces of titanium in me, had several surgeries, and I can tell you there is not pain like broken bone pain.

I see now that my accident had a horrible effect on him..

It still isn't right to cheat on someone when they certainly can't do anything for themselves, or their SO.

He obviously needed to satisfy some EN's that i wasn't able to provide.

It wssn't like I didn't care, or wouldn't have tried.

he just doesn't TALK to me. And I am supposed to be the one he is closest too.

I feel like crap right now. I wish there was a local MB meeting so I could go and be with others who are going thru this...

I am at a point right now where I am so lonely..I need a hug. I miss being loved. I have a daughter and grandson who require so much emotional support from me... I am so empty and drained. I am a very faithful person...god send me someone to help me.

sledbabe #1925169 08/09/07 05:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 24
C
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 24
slebabe, have you asked him point blank why he's moody etc? He could be depressed, not happy with his life- not necessarily having an affair, just in a rut- not happy with himself, where he's at at his age, you know what i mean? I know our guts are usually right on- but unless you know for sure he's having or had an affair, i wouldnt torment myself. I would find a good time where you sit down and tell him you are concerned about him- dont accuse him or attack him. just tell him you notice he seems to be sad and is there anything you can do? then listen- dont try to guess what he's going to say( i'm so guilty of that cause i've been with my h for 22 years and sometimes- most of the time- i can anticipate what he' gonna say and i've noticed if i stop that, sometimes he tells me things i didnt guess, does that make sense?)

You may have tried this already, but I would start there. Sometimes life just gets to people and they seem to withdraw and go thru the motions.

chacha64 #1925170 08/10/07 07:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 91
I typed a very good responce...as usual this site timed it our...if any of the mods are reay, I really ahte that.

I have been on other forums, and that never happens.

I think it is to disuade people from typing anything too long.

I will abbreviate..

He is a compulsive lier...threatened to divorce me and throw me out (everythime we have any type of disagreement he does this...for 23 yrs now)

said he doesn't give a s*** about our anniversary...doesn't matter how diplomatically and calmly I try to peak with him...The last 2 counselors threw him out (he is a control freak, and is Mr fight or flight)

A of no A...I have been doing a plan A for 3 yrs now and I am done. I am falling out of love with him, and I told him so today.

Nice advice on this site, but, folks, no-one can make anybody do anything. The have to want to. I am sick of making a nice, safe, happy home for this piece of crap, I hate him, and I have an appointment to see the lawyer nex week.

My original post was far more eloquent and sensible.

To new/young couples, here is my advice:

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

DON'T IGNORE YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS
DON'T LET YEARS PASS BY YOU WITH UN-FULLFILLED NEEDS AND WISHES

HAVE THE COURAGE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

FIGHT FAIR

DON'T LIVE A LIFE FULL OF REGRET LIKE ME.

sledbabe #1925171 08/30/07 11:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Sledbabe
The site times out your reply if you use the "quick reply" box at the bottom of the screen. usually if you click the "previous screen"! icon on your browser you still have all the data you input.

Best thing to do is type your reply up in a notepad file, then cut and paste it into a reply box.

Regarding your situation, I think you have the opportunity to do a great many things before you call a lawyer.

Do a brilliant plan A for a while, snooping to an Olympic quality standard at the same time.

Then, if you learn nothing, and after you have given your H plenty of notice of what a great spouse you can be, you go into a planned, completely dark plan B.

This whips away all the benefits of having you as a spouse forcing him to live with his fantasies.

And it shelters you in a calm place from the wackiness of his actions.

You willing to these hard yards, SB, or you going to quit ?


MB Alumni

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 27 guests, and 40 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5