lostanduncertain, I echo much of what you said. Why did I spend 13 years not speaking up for myself? When you wrote your husband was never content, that hit home with me. No matter how good our life was, my H was never content. Even with all the pain, there is some relief at no longer feeling responsible for his issues, and letting him and God work through it.

Please stop worrying about his false accusations - blaming you. What he's doing is trying to find some way to justify what he knows deep down is wrong. He knows to hurt you this way is wrong... unless... he can convince himself, you, the OW, family, friends... that you really are such a horrible person that you deserved to be hurt this way. He's squirming. Let him squirm and lie and struggle BUT don't you believe a word of it!

WS's will come up with some pretty bizarre excuses to try to justify (as posted above):

"WS always try to justify their A by blaming the failing marriage on the BS. Their excuses are shameless! Once a woman told me that her WH blamed his A on her because she didn't get rid of fleas in their home. Mine blamed me because I changed our travel plans when our babysitter could no longer watch the kids for us. My oldest had final exams and I could not leave him to watch his younger sibblings. I often accompanied him on business trip but the one that I canceled caused him to have the A, that made no sense!"


Here's some lame excuses my WX came up with:
He said I needed to shut down my home-based business (and put two other businesses I was about to start on hold), put all my furniture in storage, travel around in an RV with him... because his one-night-stands on business trips and a 6 month adultery while working a 10 month contract job the next state over, were because I wasn't there for him.
So I did that: moved around with him for over a decade. And when he got a longer contract, when we were able to stay in one place for several years, were just about to finally get the furniture out of storage and build or buy a home... he dumped me for a younger woman.

His excuse: he knew I was going to behave angry/hurt when I found out about his adultery so that's why he did it?!?!? Oh and (after being with OW for a couple of years) he blurted out: "you won't do as you're told - See - That's why I'm divorcing you!" (He was trying to demand that I let him come over to my home for dinner every night and to watch videos with us - just like he was still part of the family in spite of ongoing adultery with OW!)

The point is the WS will use any sort of crazy or circular 'logic' to try to justify his adultery. Do NOT pay any attention to it. Please believe it when we say this is a typical WS tactic!

At times you will think he's really gone insane because his lies might get really bizarre. In their desparation the adulterers will behave as if they really do start to believe their own lies. It sounds as if your WH is already doing that with all his feeling 'hurt' and angry about your 'controlling' him. blah--blah-blah--blah-blah

Try to protect yourself from listening to his babble.

Adultery can be like an addiction. And you know how addicts sometimes say and do bizarre and hurtful things? Well, just think of it like that. He's temporarily out of his mind. So don't you dare take anything he says seriously. Just pretend that he's drunk as a skunk or high as a kit and babbling total nonsense. LOL