I would STILL marry my husband. He has given me many good years, and I am currently striving for many more, even better, years.

In terms of pre A, I would have listened more to what he was saying, and not taken it as a slight. We had ONE real argument, about sex, after our DS was born. He told me he wanted more, I became angry and began JUSTIFYING WHY I wasn't more into it, putting BLAME on him. I would have been more affectionate, instead of withdrawing. So much more that I would do, no time to list them.

In terms of Post Dday#1, I did not expose the A to the OW's husband and family, or work. I should have done that, but I did not have MB then. I didn't find MB until nearly a year later, after the A had died and we were in false recovery. I should not have asked him to leave.

Otherwise, I took care of my financial security, always, and my DS.

I have no regrets, and will have no regrets.

Pre-A: I would have taken him seriously when he asked me if I loved the dog more than him. I would have gone dancing with him that night.

Post-D: I would have let him go and worked more on myself rather than coming unglued at the seams. I didn't find MB until we were well into recovery.

I have no regrets either because even though I took the longest darkest route back to recovery ('cause I didn't know about MB) my experience has made me a better person. I can relate to others who are going through the fire now much better because I've walked in their shoes and felt that soul-wrenching pain.

I thought perhaps qualifying my answer might be helpful for those that don't know my sitch. I completely without question believe in MB principles and methodologies. I've seen them work countless times.

I answered "I would have never married my ex-H" only because I know, for me, the MB Principles could not have saved my marriage. My ex-H is a serial cheater (his picture in the Dictionary under SERIAL CHEATER). I think we could have continued recovering from each one of his adulterous affairs only to wait 5+ years later for his next repeat performance.

I regret the time I lost trying to repair something that was innately broken, but I don't regret the things I learned that help me grow personally.

Jo

It depends on where you want to go back to.

For me I would have still married my FWW because of the two beutiful children, one on the way, That I couldn' imagine my life without. So I wouldn't change that.

Pre A, I wish we stayed in the counceling to deal with her desire to move and never discuss the ramifications.
I would work on not beind a codependent, enabler with conflict avoidence issues.

I would change, living with an alcoholic. I would have put her out on the street if she kept drinking.

I don't know what I could have done pre A to stop the A because she made moving her number one need and as long as I didn't fill that need her LB was empty.

During the A I wish I would have not trusted her so much. Even though I was 3000 miles away I knew something was wrong, just not what.

I wish I would have taken all of the money out of the accounts. So she would have had to work, Like she promised so we didn't have the financial problems we have now.

Post A, I wish I got over being a codependent, enabler with conflict avoidence issues sooner.

I wish the night she got thrown in jail for abuse I would have left her there, instead of bailing her out.

I wish I would have come to plan FU sooner. I wish I found this place sooner.

So there are a lot of things i would do differently but since I can't I will learn from those mistakes and make today the best day I can!!!!!

I'm pretty happy with what *I* did...and since this is a fantasy anyway....I'd love to change what *he* did!!

* I wouldn't have gotten married at 18, first of all. A wife at 18, a mom at 21...that's a lot for a kid to handle.

* I would have put as much focus on being a good wife as on being a good mom.

* After his A#1 I would've gotten counseling for myself, and maybe my self-esteem and health wouldn't have ended up in the toilet. And it probably would have kept this next one from happening at all....

* I never would've given the OM I had a revenge A with the time of day.

Lori

hmmmm...

#1 Ignoring red flags before the marriage.
#2 Taking a firm stand when I found out about the affair. Exposed immediately.

Other than that I do not regret anything...and really I do not regret the above. I did the best I could do under the cirumstances. Am I happy with the outcome (divorce)? Not particularly...but I am happy that I have custody of my child and financially did not get crushed and that may be different if I was not such a nice guy to the ex throughout the process so that is why I do not have regrets.

I assume if we get to go back on a do-over we get to go armed with everything we have learned here.

I would be very confident that pre A or very early EA, a strong Plan A and fulfillment of her missing emotional needs would have ended it. A strong commitment to the 15+ hour plan and it probably would have just been a bump on our long road.

If I only could go back to D-Day but knew all I know now I still think I would have had a great chance of saving the marriage. I lost the first 2-weeks after D-Day existing as a babbling pathetic mess. And during those 2-weeks her contacts with Gollum increased. I did not find MB until 3-weeks after D-day.

I made my share of mistakes but I still am very proud of my Plan A, as short as it was, and I know it had an impact. But every day critically mattered and I did get into too many R talks.

Of course my evil twin occasionally looks back at missed possibilities too.

I would have loved to have exposed to her workplace with a tap dancing singing telegram.

Maybe to Swanee River:

Wayzilla have you told your bosses
of your affair?

Tippity tippity tap

I know that you are doing Gollum
You two are one sick pair.

Corporate phones and corporate email
You both have pushed your luck.
And you chose to consummate with your solemate
In the back of a company truck.


Or maybe come driving up into a parking lot during one of their make-out sessions, wrap on the window with a high-beam Maglite and ask, “Wayzilly poopsie pumpkin? Could you pick up some mayonnaise on the way home after your done here?”

Oh yeah, and woodchippers.

Hmmm... I picked the right man, I know. But I didn't take care of him. In hindsight, I wouldn't have let his work ALWAYS take precedence. That was my number one mistake. I always stepped aside in the name of military duty. I won't make that mistake again. *I* will ALWAYS come first, even though his job is a sacrifice.

I would have acted sooner. I would have put a stop to it... somehow. But I don't know HOW I could have. I saw the signs. I had even confronted to repeated denials. I'd have attacked the FIRST one (who was my friend) and clawed her demon eyes out. I would have at least confronted that one.

But as for the #2? Once I discovered and confronted... I know I did everything right. And that, my friends, was allllll due to MB and tons of prayer. I exposed. Should have exposed SOONER, but when I did a month later... boy did I EXPOSE. But it was all perfect timing.

Hmmm... don't know how I could have done anything much different. MB helped save my marriage.

I would have insisted on MC after the first A, I was too young and clingy.

Second A, many many regrets on that one. I which I would have faced the A head on when I knew deep down what was going on. While A was an EA in the fall of '02, I should have put boundaries and insisted on either MC or an end to it. I wish I would have stood up for myself more, and went along with FWH less. I wish I would have exposed to their work...I wish I would have been stronger for myself and sons.

I allowed him to use me, he couldn't do that without my permission. I did that to me, and I have to work through that and protect myself. I think I sold myself at a cheap price, my love, my commitment, financial support. I didn't empower myself, I looked to him to change his behaviour instead of saying if you want the M, then x,y, &Z.

I regret not telling the MOW husband, deeply regret it. I may someday, not out of spite or revenge, but out of caring for another person and to let him know, maybe, that he wasn't crazy, something was terrible wrong.

I regret that I lost myself to grief and pain and wasn't the best mom my sons deserved.

Pre-A I regret not trying to find out how to have a good M and how to handle conflict. I regret complaining about things and not doing anything to improve the sitch. I don't know what I was thinking, complaining never fixed anything!

I regret not having the best 25+ years of my life with either FWH or someone else, my issues were there throughout this period, not bc of the A...

I also regret the time of my friends and family who supported me during this long ordeal, enough with the drama!

I most of all regret not being honest with myself about lots of things, instead rationalizing things away...

Hey, it's not over, I can only go from here forward, and try to help others along the way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

nab

Plan A would have been two weeks, not three months. At the end of two weeks a commitment to come home, stop working with OM, and commit to no contact and counseling with the Harley's OR there is the road (straight to my attorney seeking custody, CS, et al)

this is all good stuff!

I too play the "what would I do different" game. At this point in my life, I am newly married to a great man, so I am hyper sensitive to all this stuff, and what I can do better in this marriage. I have looked back through my 18 year 1st M for clues from the beginning, signs of trouble. I wish I could come up with a fool-proof advance warning kit. Perhaps I could wirte a book of "100 red flags to look for when choosing a H". But frankly, at the end of the day, there is no way to predict with 100% accuracy which marriages will fail.

But - I do make sure that my new H knows he is loved, and appreciated. when we have problems, I try to deal with them head on instead of hiding my head and waiting for it all to blow over.

during my Ex's A - I wish I had been stronger. I fell apart, numerous times, in front of him, and in front of the kids. I completely forgot that I am a human being, and I have VALUE! Someone told me early on that I had a lot more power in the situation than I realized. I didn;t agree with him - I figured he just didn't understand the whole sitch. I realize now that he was right, all along. The BS does have a lot more power than we realize, and the sooner we use it, the better.

My Ex was spending mony on OW right out of our joint checking account, and I did not say a word for fear of "driving him away"! Heck! The man was living with her - he was all ready away - there was nothing more I could do to drive him futher away. I wish I would have stood up to him right away.

I also wish I had done a good plan B. Not because it would have "won him back" but it would have been good to show him that after a D we would NOT be friends. After our D was final, I was no longer his friend, and that was a shock to him. I was accused of being bitter, and he tried to attack me, via the kids, for awhile. In reality, I was not trying to attack him, I was just finished with him. I have no interst in talking to him - he is not the type of "friend" I need in my life.

I think the message I would give to a newly betrayed spouse is this: You HAVE VALUE! You are a good person,and do not deserve this. Stand up for yourself. You made mistakes in the past - learn from them, move on. do not dwell on them.
Admit your faults, put them behind you, and then be done with them.

Pre-affair, I would have loved him overtly the way he needed to be loved. So he knew that I loved him, adored him, and wanted him sexually.

I would have opened my thoughts up to him without fear.

I would have praised him as a man, hailed him as my hero, and jumped his bones once every week or so when he least expected it.

I would have kept my body looking good, dressed well, and smelling sexy every single moment he was around. Because he deserves a beautiful, sexy woman around, and I deserve to feel that way.

I would have made it a point to explore his mind, and his interests as well.

I would have spent more time with him, doing fun things together, making every day count.


I would have insisted that we spend more time just talking about things - whatever they might be - to keep in touch with the changing people we are. People change every day, we ebb and flow. Our ideas move on everything from politics, to what color we like, to our favorite ice cream flavor. We need to stay wrapped up in each other, and allow movement in who we are, and rejoice in the changes and growth - it is only because we stopped looking that we thought the other stopped growing and changing. We "stagnated" because we stopped exploring one another.

If I could go back and do all that? Well, there never would have been a d-day.


And now that WE are doing this every day, there never WILL be another one.


Schoolbus

Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

First time around, I would have chosen a partner who was suitable for marriage and recognized that the person I married was NOT. Instead of trying to mold a person and "fix" a person who was not willing to remain in a committed relationship, I would have cut my losses early on and let go. I would not have ignored the dozens upon dozens of red flags flaring up time and time again even before we got married. I would have paid close attention to the very obvious character flaws that existed in my ex-WH and would not have made excuses for his behavior. I would have been honest with myself and with my friends and family when they detected that something was wrong instead of clinging ever so tightly to my rose colored glasses and pretending that everything was just "fine".

Thank goodness I have learned a great deal from my past and now have been blessed with a wonderful husband who is God fearing and we are equally yoked. We are also equally committed to having a great marriage and look forward to many years to come. God is good.

CHRISNER,

You are a RIPPER RIOT!!!!

The Suwannee River Song, OMG, I thought I was going to bust a gut.

I am with Resilient in my do-over thinking. My husband is/was abusive and a serial cheater. I do not believe if I went back in time that there is any way I could have saved my marriage. My husband is/was broken and no amount of self-improvement on my part could have prevented his affair or changed the way he treated me. My do-over would focus on how *I* handled things. In retrospect I would go NUCLEAR on exposure and handling D-day. I could have handled exposure a lot better. WH avoided a lot of consequences because I treated him with kid gloves about exposure. I would CALL EVERYONE, I would take out ads in the paper, hand out flyers, book radio time, whatever it took. I would have set up a meeting with his Lieutenant and showed him all my evidence. Furthermore, I would have hired a PI and documented him meeting with OW while on the job and showed the police department what kind of man they were employing. I would have also forwarded this evidence to OWH back in Nov 06 when it would have done some good.

On the other hand, I did a lot of really smart things after I discovered my husbands affairs. I separated our bank accounts immediately, and orchestrated a home refinance that put my name on our home mortgage (prior to the affair it was not) and cashed out equity which I used to pay off all our debt and kept a portion for my legal fees. In hind sight I could have been tougher. I was just so emotionally weak after discovering the depth of his betrayal, I was in shock really. I would have done Plan B immediately and not bothered with Plan A. Plan A made me bitter and allowed my husband to continue to cake eat and take advantage of me financially for 4 months.

My fondest wish in retrospect would be to leave my husband when I first suspected what he was up to back in 2004. I was pregnant at the time and just couldn't face what he was doing. I was in denial. I honestly thought that the birth of our daughter would change him. Boy, was I naive. I would be in a much better place right now if I had trusted my inner voice. I will never make that mistake again in my life. I have learned so much and am much better off without WH in my life. He continues his affair and his wayward selfish thinking and now I am free of his poison. MB has shown me that I am a good person and my husband's infidelity is his mistake and no fault of mine. I can now focus on figuring out what I need from a HEALTHY relationship and finding someone who is a better match to spend my life with. I have been given a second chance, for that I am grateful.

I would have spent more time, energy, and money on Today.
I would have taken the time to go places and do things together instead of letting life and children and house take over our time to laugh and love together having fun.
I would have gone hiking and camping and fishing.

I would have lived in the moment more, more, more

FTS

I wouldn't have married him.

I would have done exactly what Schoolbus said. Everything she said I said a hearty "AMEN" after. I took advantage of the fact that he would never stray and although it was an EA only, it was enough for me to see that although he should not have strayed, I should have been a better wife so he would not have. We have applied to 40 plus jobs in and out of state with no response and are putting the house on the market Wednesday. WH still works with OW. I want to be where Schoolbus is... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SB

This was beautiful!!!! I'm going to print this out and keep it by my bed.

I have to say ditto to everyone's posts.

There were a million warning signs from the moment we met but I ignored every single one. We started our M with a mountain of resentment and it just kept building from there.

We may not be able to turn back time and do things differently but we sure can use what we've learned and build that wonderful M now.

Thank you again SB, for such a wonderful post. If only every married couple could heed those words of advice before it takes such a painful lesson. That's what makes me saddest of all, it took an A for my H and I to truly open up and love each other.