This is a good thread!
I hear a lot of my own thoughts in it.
My irony is that now that I'm divorced, after all the dust settled, I've realized that my XH is still the great love of my life. I really want to reconcile, he hasn't opted for that yet, and perhaps he never will, but our relationship - friendship is probably better than it has been in many years.
I'm doing as many of the things now, that I did before, and then some. I'm taking better care of myself, physcially and emotionally. I'm doing things for me, for the kids- things that I allowed to go by the wayside. XH could be a part of all of that if he chose to be at this point, but for now he's on the outside - and yes he is looking in just a bit. I've let him know that the door is open - at least for now - but I also let him know it won't remain open forever. I'm making the most of my life, but I do lament that he isn't in it in the way I'd like him to want to be.
He may come around - he's still got some bad stuff going on with himself and the fallout from his slow-dying relationship with his GF... I do wonder if that, once that's done with once and for all (which is inevitable at this point), will he open his eyes again and see what we could have?
We have come out of this a bit more "ok" financially than many - we own a business that is a bit of a burden these days, but personally we're both OK - not flush, but OK. If we were to get back together, we could have the stability, financially, emotionally... we could take the time to do things we'd put off - although we did make some great memories with our family. I'd spend more time on him, meeting his EN. I'm doing that now - meeting whatever EN he allows me to, and I've seen positive feedback in response to that. It's like he's so close to taking that next step, yet so far away, because his heart is still tangled up with the woman that left him 4 months ago to move back to her home state - yet for whatever reason they both seem to be hanging on - staying in touch by phone/internet... right now he has nothing - lives alone, considers himself "attached" but he has no one to come home to, no one to do things with except our kids when he has them for a weekend - although we both work the business on the weekend -we both have to be creative with our free time to do things with them.
I don't know how I'd get through this without my kids - at times when I felt like crawling in a hole, I couldn't because I had to look after my kids - and they've been the greatest source of joy in my life.
I think - fantasize sometimes about what it would be like if XH would just give us one more chance, and I think about all the things I would do differently - or do *better*. Then I think about *why* because I think that's very important. It's no good going through the motions if one doesn't want to. I *want* to. I'm armed with so much more knowledge and understanding now, and if I could just get another shot at it, I would *show* him in all the ways I fell short before - because I lacked skills, maturity, insight - and yes, I even took him for granted.
I value him a lot more now. We see each other almost daily (except he's been gone since Saturday on vacation - he was originally going to see GF but plans changed - he's gone to see his family back home now). I miss him. I look forward to his stopping by the shop - even if it's just briefly, to see him, to hear what he tells me about his day, about traffic, about whatever. I miss that right now, more than I thought I would.
I find myself wondering if he's missing me even just a little bit? He hasn't contacted me since 3 hours after he left on Saturday evening - and I'm going to remain dark unless he contacts me - I find myself hoping he's doing some thinking and I wonder if he ever thinks about any of the same things I do?
I'm trying not to "what if" the situation - trying to just let go and ask God to guide me - that's a big struggle for me.
I believe that God restored my love for him, and I believe He did it for a reason, although I'm puzzled by that because XH thusfar has not reciprocated - at least not in words. When I approached him to explore reconciliation he turned me down - not harshly, but kindly. He wouldn't say "never" but he did say "unlikely". That was 2 months ago. I have not mentioned anything to that effect since - just carried on with Plan A/180 and carried on with my own life, and the part of it that includes him. If it's God's will for him to 'come around', then He will work on XH and I just need to be patient.
If God has other plans for me, then I need to be ready... I guess I need to be ready for any eventuality, so I'm just doing my best each day to work on me and do the things that are within my grasp, and try extra hard to let go of those things that are not within my ability to control. That's been the hard part - but I'm working on it.
Thanks for posting this thread - it has been very validating to read all points of view. Glad to know I'm not alone in my tormented thinking at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
JinGA
