My husband had his first affair 7 years ago. I found out about the second one the beginning of March and asked him to leave. We just never got through the first one. I felt blamed for his affair and he didnt feel heard. I have been in therapy since the first one. I go alone. I believe in marriage and do not want a divorce. I am trying to look at my life and see how I have not loved my husband the way he has needed. I recognize that his needs were not met. Mine weren't either, but I seem to be the bad guy. He does not really want to work on things as of yet because he does not think I will ever change. He has painted me out to be pretty ugly. He says that our marriage has always been bad for the most part. I have never supported him. I have always yelled at him. I have asked his forgiveness for expressing my anger and pain inappropriately. I am just overwhelmed at what to do. I have read a book about boundaries in marriage and see that I do not do well with that. After I found out about the second affair, I talked to my counselor and she said that she was not surprised as he has never taken any ownership to the first affair. She feels he spins everything to be "about me". We have been married 27 years. Our children are grown, but are still very affected. My daughter has not spoken to her father since March. Not a good thing. Just a very overwhelming situation. I was just looking for some wisdom and encouragement.

Welcome. I'm glad you have found us. I hope you will change your post to general questions II since there is more traffic there.

It may be true that you haven't loved your husband like he needed to be loved, but that is still no excuse for him to have an affair.

Please read all of the information here, especially the emotional need stuff, and see if you have been meeting his needs.

Glad you at least are getting counseling. The only one you can change is you, and that will make him change too.

Thanks for responding. Per your advice, I posted in the general questions area. Just copied and pasted the same above post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I found this site after the first affair. I read most the information then, but I need to read it again. It's funny how I can read something and then a couple years later read it again, seemingly for the first time. "The only one you can change is you, and that will make him change too." I do know that I am the only one I can change...but I am not sure what effect that will have on him. I have thought that for years. He see's me through a grid that I cant seem to get out of. I am just trying to keep my heart and eyes open in my own life and let go of what my expectations are for the outcome.