This is a follow up post to my posts under the "Emotional Needs" section.

To briefly recap my problem, my husband and I met on the 'Net in 98. He was 21 and I was 23. I decided to move to the state that my husband lives in. We both began living with each other right away. In 05 we finally got married. Last fall my H and I talked about where we see us going. I wanted to move out of state and I was really freaked out about having kids. He wants to stay here and have kids. So we went to a therapist. I think that it helped quite a bit because after a while, we felt like we were running out of things to talk to with her about. We felt that we were back on track. I told him that I'd consider staying here and having kids.

A few months later, my husband started having trouble sleeping. He became obsessed with his looks and started working out. Everything otherwise still seemed fine to me. Then my husband went to a Bachelor party and partook in activity with a stripper that crossed the line with me. He told me about it the next day. I asked him to leave as I needed to process this information. I felt betrayed. We went back to the therapist and he said that he felt that he missed out on dating in his 20's by moving in right away with me. He said he didn't feel anything for me anymore and that he wants to be on his own and live by himself. The therapist and I agreed that (at age 31) he's having a mid-life crisis. Six months ago he wanted to have a baby, now he wants to get a Harley and drive cross-country, date, and live on his own.

He won't go to the therapist anymore. We have still been living together. At one point he told me that I'm his rock and that he feels safe with me. A few days later he slipped back to not feeling anything for me. My birthday was last week and it seemed like a chore for him to take me out. He gave me a card that his mom picked out and said to me, oh ya I guess if you want some flowers I can stop and buy some on the way home.

This past Sunday I found out that he went to lunch with his friend and two other women. His friend has been dating a woman for a year now and they are not sure where they are headed. One of the women that they had lunch with my husband admitted having an emotional affair with last year. I knew about this and was not cool with her coming over my house and chatting my husband on My Space. My sister-in-law who I recently reconciled with after a huge fight that lasted for 3 years (she didn't even end up coming to our wedding - this is my husband's twin sister) took me down to where they were having lunch. She saw on his My Space page that they were talking about taking sexy pictures (the two ladies) and they asked my husband and his friend to take them. When we got there, they were just eating. Later that night I sent a message to one of the women saying it was nice to have seen her after many years. She wrote me a message back and chewed me out saying how rude it was for me to show up and stay for lunch. Everybody that I have showed that message to has said that woman had some nerve to say what she said and the tone she said it in.

Since this happened, I can't sleep in the same bed with my husband anymore. The other woman that he had an emotional affair with is back in the picture and I know where this is going. The more I push to get rid of both of these marriage wrecker friends of his, the more he will resent me and run to them to partake in their marriage-wrecking activities. In the meantime, my sister-in-law told their mom about what is going on. Their mom has always liked me and contributes all of my husband's work success (we do the same thing) to me. She said I pushed him to grow up (well I don't think completely based on how he's acting now) and be successful.

So here's where I stand. I'm supposed to leave town this weekend to attend a family event of mine. I'm taking my dog. I'm scheduled to fly, but now I feel the need to pack up my belongings and drive. My thought was to be gone for a while and stay with my parents. My mother-in-law said that she is going to talk with my husband after I leave.

So I need some advice here. I am afraid to talk to my husband at this point now that he is hanging out with these women for fear that I will do or say something to push him away completely. I have been working on meeting his emotional needs since I came across this site and learned about them. He won't fill the forms out, but I've got a good guess as to what his EN's are. So I have been increasing the amount of sex, the quality of it, and so forth. I've also been more affectionate with him and have told him that he's becoming toned and looking slim and sexy. My husband says that he doesn't find my actions sincere and fears that if he comes back to me, that eventually I will slip back to not being affectionate back to him, having sex with him 2-3 times a month, and making him feel that I'm not attracted to him.

So here's what I'm not sure about:
A) How to handle these two women who are his friends from high school. I sent them both messages explaining to them that he and I are going through tough times and to please give us our space. I also told them that I was not OK with the idea of him helping the two of them take sexy pictures together.

B) How to deal with my husband. Should I keep on doing what I'm doing? He's annoyed with my efforts and the fact that I have reconciled with his sister (even though I did not do it for the sake of this as the reconciliation started prior to my husband saying he wanted to be on his own. I cannot seem to convince him of this though. I do have his sister's support that what he did at the bachelor party and how he's being by running around and chatting these two old friends of his is wrong. As much as she may not have liked me before, I think she is sympathetic to what he's doing to me as she is a single mom with two kids who also experienced being cheated on and being mistreated).

C) Should his mom really say anything to him? His sister told her about what's going on, not me. His mom has been talking with me and said she's going to talk to him while I'm out of town. She doesn't want to see us split up.

D) Should I take my flight and be gone for 10 days or should I drive and be gone a month or more? My husband would prefer that I drive and be gone. He said maybe it would help rekindle something for him.

WHAT DO I DO? I'm so confused right now.... I feel so betrayed by him starting up with this chick he had an emotional affair with and who knows what is going to take place while I'm gone. I start to think, is this really worth it? In terms of meeting my emotional needs, he won't communicate to me openly (probably because I'm opinionated and outspoken), he's no longer affectionate to me (and when he was it was always awkward - like he hugged me when I was cooking dinner with stuff all over my hands), he hates coming home with me and is not fond of my family, he won't do anything recreationally with me anymore except walk the dog every now and then, he makes a mockery out of me sometimes, he won't defend me when people shoot me down, he values his friends opinions way more than mine and what they think of him, he doesn't do anything around the house (we resolved this by hiring a house cleaner), he doesn't like my friends from home and talks down about them and my family. He basically thinks that he is superior to me - which is ironic since I'm the extrovert and he's the introvert.

Please help if you can. I'm going out of my mind. I'm on antidepressants which I think are the only things getting me through all of this. His sister told his mom that I handled the going to see him at lunch situation very well. My friends and family think that I'm out of my mind because I haven't told my husband to blow it yet. They say he is walking all over me and that it must be because of the drugs. I've not had any angry outbursts or made any demands that I can think of recently.

Call your therapist and let them know the latest. He is having an A, EA at the least and probably PA by now.

OW wants more than the WS. She wants your title and your posessions. The WS is too stupid to know better.

Expect him to say and do more hurtful things. Is the OW married? Can you expose?

Read SAA (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson).

For the solution to come, you must work at it. Go do your reading. It will help you.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Don't let him bully you and don't say ILY to a WS.

Your H is in there somewhere but right now his balls are in the clutches of the OW. Steer clear.

L.

I agree with Orchid:

Read and apply what you learn here.

Unfortunately some men are naive about the agendas women sometimes have. In your case it sounds like there are a few women (WH's sister too?) with the agenda of destroying your marriage. Your WH may not be able to see their full agenda... You are right about fearing he will just defend them if you try to push on this - especially his sister.

Back way up, take a deep breath, get your game face on, and plan YOUR gameplan. Don't fret over what the OW and her team are up to. Study and stick to your own gameplans (Plan A and Plan B)

BTW, how much experience do you have with catty women? Do you have sisters or were you an only child? Have you ever watched soap operas? Make sure you discuss his sister with the marriage counselor. (I tried ignoring my WXH's sisters' tactics - BIG mistake. I was correct in assuming my WH wouldn't back me up if I tried to discuss it with him, so I was afraid to deal with it at all.) This can get tricky. You should give Harley a call on this one. The female friends he's known all his life a a serious threat too. I can see why you want to move!

"Later that night I sent a message to one of the women saying it was nice to have seen her after many years. She wrote me a message back and chewed me out saying how rude it was for me to show up and stay for lunch. Everybody that I have showed that message to has said that woman had some nerve to say what she said and the tone she said it in."

Does this woman have a boyfriend or husband you can expose to? Because she obviously viewed the lunch as a double-date! (She was on a lunch date with your WH's male friend?) You said your WH's male friend has been dating a woman for about a year. Was this woman the one he's been dating for about a year? If not, and he was on a lunch date with an OW, then you could expose to the woman he's been dating for about a year! I'd tell her what happened, how this woman chewed you out (for interrupting their date) and see whether SHE thinks your showing up was 'rude' or not. Oh and don't forget to tell her all about the way the women had invited the men along to some sexy photo shoot...

BTW, does your WH know about you contacting the woman to say how nice it was to see her again, and then her chewing you out? If so, what was his reaction? Did he defend her and agree that you were being 'rude' to show up? Again, some males can be extremely naive when it comes to being played by manipulative women... BUT do NOT try to tell him that!!! It will just hurt his ego and it will hurt you to hear him defend the OW! You're going to have quite a battle here and you'll have to prepare well for it.

"Then my husband went to a Bachelor party and partook in activity with a stripper that crossed the line with me."

Here was the tipping point fo him.

You know how your feelings, beliefs and morals play a role in the choices you make?

Well, it goes the other way too: If you do something (in a moment of weakness, intoxication, peer pressure) then your FEELINGS, beliefs and morals sometimes change to accomodate what you did. It's called the consistency principle. He can either choose to admit to himself and you that he went too far or he can change his feelings towards you and thinking about what is 'too far' in order to justify what he already did.

Plus to top it off, for whatever agenda they have, he has some peer pressure being applied on him to continue acting inapporpriately.

I see after reading again that his sister is allied with you at present?

If I were you I would call Dr. Harley for advice about leaving town without him for a month.

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Harley's son and I'm going to see my therapist shortly. My husband's friend has a girlfriend for a about a year now and he's not sure if he wants to be with her. He even went off behind her back and had a secret date with another person and I think he kissed another girl. So he's not at all a good influence on my husband. He's showing him that what he's doing is ok, so I think my husband thinks well if he can do it so can I OR he doesn't want to look like he's whimping out.

As for the two women, the one he had an emotional affair with meets soldiers on My Space and apparently she has one that she met and is kind of seeing. The other one is married with two kids. Her husband lives 3 hours away and she claims she's a "Desparate Housewife."

His sister apparently is on my side on this because she says she's not in agreement with what he thinks is acceptable in how he's treating me.

In response to me having other sisters or girlfriends, I am extremely sensitive to being picked on. I had girls that were a year or two older than me who used to tease me. I was picked on constantly throughout school. I'm the oldest child and I have a brother. When I moved here I came into my Husband's circle of friends - some of which were girls. They were defensive toward me as was his sister. I began having panic attacks and anxiety because of it. Women at my job were becoming catty with me as well. I didn't know what to do. My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time and we were living together) broke up with me and I got laid off from my job all at about the same time. I left and stayed with my parents for a month. He ended up getting back with me.

I think he wants me to leave because he probably figures that will determine whether or not he misses me which will determine whether or not he wants to stay married. I don't think 10 days is enough time to miss me and make up his mind.

So I made an appointment to talk to Steve Harvey. It's on Monday. In the meantime, I had an extreme makeover yesterday and I changed my hair color. I went from blond to dark and now I'm feeling worse about myself than before. I guess I should have just got a cut.

I told my husband about Steve's appointment. I don't think he'll call in for it. I'm so sad today. I had to go to a business luncheon today and fess up to one of my collegues about what is going on. In the midst of all this I haven't been able to focus on my work and I thought it would be best if I came clean so I didn't make anymore enemies than I already have.

My husband is by no means a genius to know how to meet my emotional needs. So maybe that's why I didn't meet his. Why should I have sex with somebody who has slowly over the course of the past few years withdrew from me? He doesn't love me and I am starting to think that I should just stop all this and cut him loose. Maybe we were just not meant to be together and we are trying to hold on to something that never really worked.