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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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My husband had his first affair 7 years ago. I found out about the second one the beginning of March and asked him to leave. We just never got through the first one. I felt blamed for his affair and he didnt feel heard. I have been in therapy since the first one. I go alone. I believe in marriage and do not want a divorce. I am trying to look at my life and see how I have not loved my husband the way he has needed. I recognize that his needs were not met. Mine weren't either, but I seem to be the bad guy. He does not really want to work on things as of yet because he does not think I will ever change. He has painted me out to be pretty ugly. He says that our marriage has always been bad for the most part. I have never supported him. I have always yelled at him. I have asked his forgiveness for expressing my anger and pain inappropriately. I am just overwhelmed at what to do. I have read a book about boundaries in marriage and see that I do not do well with that. After I found out about the second affair, I talked to my counselor and she said that she was not surprised as he has never taken any ownership to the first affair. She feels he spins everything to be "about me". We have been married 27 years. Our children are grown, but are still very affected. My daughter has not spoken to her father since March. Not a good thing. Just a very overwhelming situation. I was just looking for some wisdom and encouragement.
You shall hide them in the secret place of your presence..... Ps 31.:20
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
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Hi catanngre01,
Welcome to MB!
Have you read the articles here on the MB web site? They will give you some insight into what you're dealing with.
It is possible to rebuild your M, but it will take a lot of hard work from both of you. My best recommendation for you is to find a good, pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going with your H...
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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I read quite a few of the articles after the first affair, but I need to read them again. My counselor that I have been going to for the last seven years is very pro-marriage, however my husband is not interested in going to counseling anymore. He has come a number of times but does not feel that it has worked. I have asked him to go to another of his choosing, but at this point he is not interested. After the first affair, I read Dr. Harleys book on surviving infidelity and asked my husband to read it with me but that didnt happen. Thanks for responding.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
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Posts: 6,087 |
I'm sorry to hear that your H isn't willing to work with you... that is a key element in rebuilding as you can't force him to do something that he doesn't want to do.
Is he still involved with other women? If so, and you've tried to "Plan-A" him, then you might want to read up on Plan-B and go dark. That might be the wake-up call that he needs.
One thing is for sure, you are NOT responsible for his Affairs. So please don't think that you are the cause...
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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1. is he in contact
2.. have you exposed the affair..if not why in heaven name why not
3. do you yell at your husband ...still now
4. what needs do you indentify that weren't met by you for him...(those are your words)...and what have you done to change that...
you gotta real...
you gotta get moving...
it's august....
you found out in march..
what's changes
what's happened in the last six months...
what is different and better
name one thing that has gotten better
and if nothing...
then times a wasting to get moving
ARK
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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He is not involved with the other woman. He has told me that neither affair was about caring about the other woman. It was just someone who would say nice things about him. Second affair, he did not have sex with her, but made out and according to her emails, did the phone sex thing. When I found out about the second one, she was emailing him because she was angry that he was not returning her correspondence.
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Joined: Aug 2007
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1. is he in contact
He is not from my understanding. He is living with his mom right now, so I am not sure of his comings or going, but I don't think he is.
2.. have you exposed the affair..if not why in heaven name why not
exposed...my children know[all grown] and good friends know. He told his mom he had a one night stand, but she knows nothing of our earlier history. I dont know what he has told his family, but it definately is not talked about. We still see each other at family things and it is not talked about. Everyone acts like nothing has happened.
3. do you yell at your husband ...still now. I have not yelled at him since he left. I am generally uncomfortable with confrontation and years past I have stuffed - stayed busy at church and with kids. After the first affair...we went to counseling a couple times, I continued, he didnt. I started to feel anger that I have never before experienced when I felt blamed for his affairs. He had always been the yeller and I retreated. {just as bad I know} A couple years ago he started a business with a woman and I was uncomfortable with it. He felt I was just not supporting him. I was not comfortable with the alone time they were spending together. Things have spiraled downhill since. I have not handled my pain well. My mom died in December and he started the affair after that.
4. what needs do you indentify that weren't met by you for him...(those are your words)...and what have you done to change that... I have to think about this one...
you gotta real...
you gotta get moving...
it's august....
you found out in march..
This is tough for me...get moving and do what. I am trying to do my best to be loving toward him...repent for my angry outbursts...I am trying to deal with my own life. I have been told by my conselor not to pursue him...not to give him a book, etc. She has said that he is remorseless and owns nothing. His behavior is always because of me. He also has some addiction issues.
what's changes
what's happened in the last six months...
what is different and better
name one thing that has gotten better..between us...I am not sure that there is anything better. Maybe nicer, so I guess that's a start. The time we spend together is always pleasant, but when we talk and I ask him where he is at, he just says he doesnt think I will ever change.
and if nothing...
then times a wasting to get moving
ARK
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Joined: Sep 2001
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red light...
what are these addiction issues....
ark
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 31
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He smokes pot. He did when we met almost 30 years ago. As the marriage went on, I didn't think he was smoking regularly until about 5 years ago, I found out that he still was regularly...how regularly I don't know. I am a Christian and I am sure especially in my earlier days, was judgmental about that part of his life and he went underground. I know he feels like he has not been accepted as he is. My kids have found his pot and we have had family meetings where he said he was not going to smoke anymore. He still does and I know he does. I just ask him to be honest about it. I don't like it, but it is not a deal breaker for me. I think he smoke pretty regularly..maybe every day...at least weekly...not sure.
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