Hey Believer.....how many "do-overs" did you have in mind?

Artor, I hear you. IF we had called our new/old MC (that H didn't want to call due to embarassment b/c of their 20+ year friendship) instead of the most expensive Christian counselor in the area, we probably could have avoided D-Days #2, 3, & 4. MC is a strong Christian, too, but he has is tougher stand than many MB principles.

IF I had gone online and found MB sooner, we could have avoided tons of 'needs for the reverse button' events.

I'm sure you've probably thought of this, Artor, but I have one question ....well, one question in three phases, actually:



I mentioned a time machine on Froz's thread and wonder if the same experience might benefit you. 10 years from now, will your girls (who will be in their 20s and possibly married, too) truly have been protected? Or will they have missed out on an educational opportunity? Might they be resentful that they were not informed possibly b/c mom and dad didn't think they could handle it?

Our DS25 would not want to know, but our DD27 would want to know...only to confirm what she thought was happening. Your girls may actually know, but don't want you to know they do.

Can anyone link the thread about "To tell the kids or not"? I saw it somewhere a while back but can't remember where.

Thanks,
Ace

Edited to change title seeking "tell kids" thread.

Ace-


Another question I sometimes spend too many cycles contemplating.

I think it depends on how all this plays out....

If my wife and I stay married, there is no fourth affair and we rebuild a happy marriage, then I'll be glad they didn't ever know about her affairs.

"Educational"? I don't know. Plenty of kids grow up in households where infidelity isn't an "educational" opportunity. Sure, if they knew about her affairs and saw how important we valued our marriage/family and saw our recovery process, then maybe they would learn something.

But, OTOH, if they found out about her first affair, realized she didn't value me, them or our family over the OM, saw us recover and rebuild and then saw her have another affair, I'm not sure what lessons that would teach. Maybe a destructive one.

I do think, sometimes, that if they knew about her first affair it might have been a better measure of protection against her second and third affairs, but again, I don't know.


Possibly. But I don't know. My wife did some pretty "unmotherly" things in the aftermath of her first affair in terms of "using" our children as leverage against me...My wife found me sitting on the OM's porch waiting for him to come home so I could "explain" to him how much I insisted he stay away from my wife. She called my 11 year old daughter and asked her to "tell daddy to come home". BTW, I don't believe her intentions were to protect me from prosecution, but to protect the OM from me.

My point, if I had been thrown in jail or one of us had moved out for a time or we had to move, then I think a full explanation was due to my children (age appropriate).

Have they been exposed to some of the more "active" aspects of D-Day and recovery? Yes. But the explanation is, "We're having an issue between us. We'll tell you if we think you need to know."

It is possible my kids "know" something. I've not gone to great pains to hide some of the books on marriage I've been reading, although my wife hides them pretty well when she finds them. They're 18 and 17 now and are pretty sharp young ladies -- I'm sure they know that we've had problems. Do they know the details? I can't say.

So, long answer with brief summary:

For us, the decision to not tell our daughters was motivated by their protection. And not only their protection from knowing about their mother's affairs, but protection from divorce. On the days I want to give up having to worry about affair number four, I think of them and the emotional, financial and relational impact divorce would have on them and it blows some fresh wind into my sails.

I love my girls (wife and daughters).

Blessings

Thanks for your reply, Artor. I would probably do the same if I were in your shoes. I'm thankful my kids are at the end of that time machine.

Do you recall the thread I mentioned about telling or not telling the kids?

All sitchs are different but it seems that there are just as many pros as cons on this issue.

Ace

I do remember the thread and read it with a great degree of interest (months ago).

After my wife's 1st PA, our pastor counseled not to tell our children. We didn't.

After her second PA, we still held to the "protect the children" approach and didn't tell them.

I was pretty much reeling after finding out about her second affair and went off in all sorts of wrong directions as witnessed by my first post here and the 2x4's I received. When I got my head on straight and started thinking about this issue it was too late to sit them down and tell them any detail without it seeming vindictive and as punishment to my wife.

So, it remains a "secret" from them. My wife declares that I consider it some Damoclean sword over hear head, "Do what I want or I'll tell the kids!".

Edited to clarify: A good example was the conversation regarding marital counseling. I "mandated" (for lack of a better term) that we go to counseling. When she balked I said that we might as well end the marriage because I wasn't going to stick my head in the sand anymore. She accused me of manipulating her with a threat to tell the girls. Not my intention, but, if we were going to divorce, the first conversation would be with our girls to explain the situation.

I have never nor would ever consider bringing hurt into my daughters' lives just to get back at my wife. If we have to tell our girls about the marital problems, it will be in context of how both my wife and I failed each other in our marriage.

Should my daughters ask about it, I will not lie, but I will try to include my wife in the coversation and be as fair as possible.

I hope it never comes to that.....

Y'know Artor, I would never use my kids to get back at my spouse, but I told OW when I was trying to be her friend ~ Pre MB ~ that if she ever reconnected with my H I would tell her kids (who are a little bit older than your girls and have My Space pages).

I've changed the title so maybe someone will link that thread for us. Not even sure who posted it but it was in the last 6 months....cuz I remember it and that's all the longer I've been here.

Thanks for your reponse again.

Ace

Artor,

I have to tell you from my own experience at the age of 15, my parents chose to 'protect' me from the details of one of my Dad's affairs.

I knew full well what was going on. With the age of your girls, I will almost guarantee they know what is going on and have known for some time.

MHO, you are doing them a disservice by 'protecting' them. This lends them to 'pretending' they do not know for YOUR sake. This means they are not getting what they need to properly deal with the sitch.

JMO,, you know your girls and your sitch best.

Bless you on your journey!

Hey Artor,

Wondering if you saw Bugsmom's post. Do you think your girls might know about your wife's escapades? If so, how does that affect your strategy? I'm still looking for that thread, btw. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Also, did you get that laptop to check out her email response to your quandary? I missed it if you already posted about it.

Ace

PS Please check out Chrisner's video link and the discussion of my analogy about the buffalo who survived the lion pack attack (Recovery Forum ~ "50 Something (+ or -)" Thread.

Hi Ace--

Yes, I saw Bugsmom's post (thanks, Bugsmom, for your input and point of view). I acknowledged in a prior post it is possible my kids know more about my wife's affairs than I'm aware -- they're as smart as they are beautiful.

However, I don't know if a way to confirm what they do know without telling them too much information. "So, daughters, do you know anything that your mom and I don't want you to know?" (That answer might be scary.)

Any disclosure to my kids now, after the fact, would be seen by my wife as nothing short of vindictive and spiteful. If my assumption is correct that they do not know the full extent, then I'm not sure what good telling them now would serve.

As for how it would affect my strategy, I don't think it would change anything. My desire is to rebuild my marriage into an affair-proof marriage. While my wife and I are in the "recovery" phase, I don't think my kids play a major role in that recovery. Sometimes it would be nice to have the extra set of eyes and filters looking at her behavior, but I believe it would just cause my wife to wall herself off from everyone.

So, for now, I'm acting on the assumption my kids don't know about my wife's affairs. They do know the first OM (my wife took them to lunch with him) but don't know the other two. They have no contact with anyone that knows them, so I'm willing to leave it at that.

As for her laptop, I have not had access to it yet. She leaves it at work sometimes and sometimes brings it home. I am monitoring her email and have seen a bit more between them -- I may have to step in without confirmation of her reaction -- not the ideal case.

I'm watching, praying and trying to be the best husband I can be. She did pull out the "there's been too much damage" line of reasoning last week as we were talking about counseling or a marriage retreat. So, I guess you could say I'm still in a Plan A mode.

Blessings