...that said, here’s my story. My WS’s EA began 2 years ago this week.

I’m a career military man w/ over 20 years serving my country. As such, I’ve been deployed many times to many places. Met my amazing WS when a young officer and got married after 3 months of “dating” before I shipped off to Desert Storm. She has been the consummate military wife – supportive, strong, and independent. I am also somewhat “opinionated”…comes w/ the job. Our two incredible children came at years 3 and 4.

We’ve always been a good “team”. She’s a fantastic mom, having pretty much raised her 2 younger brothers without a father and an alcoholic mother.

At about year 5, as WS showed less and less interest in me due to kids, life, etc., and also showed less and less interest in her appearance, she essentially sexually abandoned me. Fast forward to 5 years ago, she started saying things like “be nice to me”, and “one of these days someone is going to be nice to me and I don’t know what I’ll do.” What did I do? I froze like a deer in the headlights…froze like in a minefield, not wanting to take a step. OK, wrong thing to do.

Someone who was “nicer” came along while I was deployed and she started her EA. This guy is everything I’m not…unambitious, uneducated, a musician. (He briefly gave my teenage son drum lessons before EA started in earnest. My son volunteered that he was a “loser”.)

So, the EA goes on a year before I find the pictures…bottom dropped out, world stopped spinning, life ended…you know the drill. WS denies anything happening, then says he’s a friend, etc. I go through all the usual stuff…grief, anger, depression, anger, begging, etc., etc. This all happens before I educate myself on the whole EA deal. I talk her into going to MC. Her going in position is that she doesn’t want to be married anymore and she wants me to “let her go”. She is not “in love” w/ me anymore…

I find this guy’s email and tell him I know about the EA, that his actions are inappropriate and that he should cease and desist. To his credit, he writes back and basically says he’ll respect our marriage.

About a dozen joint and single counseling sessions later, the MC basically tells me to move on. Nope, not gonna throw in the towel. No MB weekends available during my off time. I hear about the Marriage Bootcamp and talk WS into going. Again, going in position is to help me to “let her go”. Went to bootcamp – absolutely amazing experience! WS still unmoved, although she basically tells everyone I’m this great husband, a good man, and she wants me to find someone else, someone who “can’t wait for me to come home at the end of each day.” Who can argue w/ that?? I just want that person to be her!

Oh yeah, all the while, she’s calling this guy about a dozen times a day – cell phone bills.

My take on her is that she’s in the normal progression of WS behavior. She appears to be moving towards NC but who knows…I’m so tired of spying – it’s too draining, makes me feel dirty, and it can become as much of an addiction as the A itself.

She keeps using the D word, yet neither of us have filed. Haven’t told kids but they’re not stupid. Funny thing is, there’s never been less fighting in the house than in the last year. I’ve been doing the plan A drill…mostly. Man it’s hard, I’m a results-oriented kinda guy. Anyway, here we are, 2 years in and I’ll probably only be home 6 months out of the next 2 years at home due to my next assignment.

What now???

Wait? Tell the kids? Blow the whistle on the affair to his parents, our friends, our kids??? File? I feel like my entire life is on hold and I wake up every morning wondering what’s going to happen. Lack of control over my own life…

Ideas please!!

Hi Capitan.

I only have a minute to post but I will check back.

Your wife is doing all the typical wayward fog talk.

Repost your whole story just as you have it here over on the General Questions II forum.

Ask for Mortarman to help. I suspect he will have a lot of interest in your story and a lot of seriously good advise.

Is the OM married? You need to expose the affair to everyone who can help you. Exposure KILLS affairs.

How old is your son?

Have you read about Plan A. You need to. Buy the book Surviving an Affair by Harley. It is a must read right now.

Sorry but your MC is a moron and you are right to resist that opinion if you are not ready to quit.

Copy/clip and repost this at GQII.

I will check back later maybe tonight.

You have come to the right place to help make a plan.

Me too, and time consuming. And even though he had the affair, I feel that I don't have the right to spy on him...weird huh, and I feel guilty about it. Crazy.


Ok I'm sure by now you have moved this to GQII but I will still answer over here because its less hassle. First: expose the affair to everyone...you have to moreso because you are going to be gone majority of the time. Expose expose expose. Expose to OM wife or girlfriend if he has one. Expose to child if old enough but do not use child as a pawn, expose and then let it go (as far as the child goes)

Second: Plan A: This will be harder for you but it can be done...here are some ideas, though expensive.
1. Go to the store and get 24 cards...or make your own...pre-write them and stick them in the envelope, say something personal, and I love you. While you're away you can have them mailed 1 a month, or even while you're home still mail...or have a family member mail them but not tell WS that they are pre-written. [color:"green"]Affection [/color]
2. Within 2 years, send her flowers...lets say, Valentines day (so that's twice) and 8 more times...thats 4 times a year...at random times. You can have a family do this. Preselect dates and what you want to say on the card. So Feb 14, May 12, July 3rd, Sept 29th, Oct. 9th get the picture [color:"green"]Affection [/color]

3. When you can, send her your own personal letter to where she can see that the address actually came from you. [color:"green"] Affection [/color]

4. Call her whenever you can. And when you are there implement Plan A. Read how to do Plan A effective and no Love Busters (LBs) [color:"green"] Affection of EN get it? [/color]

5. When you guys are face to face...as well as mentioned about Plan A...TALK TO HER... [color:"purple"] Conversation [/color] Tell her your deepest fears when you are away...NOT THE A. Just about whatever, tell her your plans for the future, talk about your child's future, ask her what does she want out of life, you'll be fulfilling her EN of conversation.

6. B4 you leave, have her fill out the EN questionaire on this site, and then order them of importance to her on the back, this will give you an idea of what you should push on her the most, for example affection over finances, or conversation over affection, etc.

7. Make sure you are on the same page as far as how you handle your child, this is an EN too but not every EN for the Woman is the same for every Woman...I'm speaking generally but you know it has to cater to her...she may not even be an affectionate person or how the child is handled by the father may not be a big deal.

8. B4 you go, have her fill out the recreational questionaire too...and when you are in town...do only the 3's (first) unless you have time for some 2's. Actually seeing that your time is limited, just concentrate on the 3's on her list. Plan A is all about her. And the -3,-2,-1...try not to do around her, like if she doesnt favor watching football on Tv... tape it, and use that time to talk or cuddle with her.

9. Appreciate how she does around the house and become a housewife your self by extra extra helping around the house. Woman like that--I like it.

10. You want her to fantasize about you, leave her having a good feeling about you, so when you are gone, its "Absent makes the heart grow fonder" not "Out of sight out of mind" as Harley puts it.

And I use to pull the D word on my husband all the time...I didnt want a D but I wasnt happy in my marriage, It was a tactic of only trying to scare him into doing something. Well he did something alright, he had an A. But I doubt it was the threat of D that made him stray. But If she was serious about a divorce she wouldnt be bringing it up all the time, she would be silent about it. Gathering her lawyer and money and secretly finding a new place to stay. The fact that she's hanging it over your head only sugest its a Threat. A threat that could become a fact...but for now a threat.