Boy, I'm having trouble getting back into the swing of things, so I decided to start a new thread. Also, decided to post in General Questions since it moves a lot quicker here.

It's been well over 6 months since I last posted on MB. Not sure why, just knowing that you 'all were there if I needed something, otherwise I would try things on my own for awhile.

Porn? What's up with this? H says that his drive isn't there b/c of the AD's, but he takes 10-15 minutes of "free" time to browse porn sites. I don't understand & I don't ask either! The spyware shows me everything & I just watch it for now.

Any thoughts?

The AD's could well be PART of the problem. But I think you've touched on another major factor as well.

Set a boundary. Make it clear that you're NOT comfortable with what he's doing. Let him know how it makes you feel...and let him know that it feels like another betrayal to you.

I'd also have this concern...since he's cheated once, its an easy step for some to go from "looking" to "looking for"...and so they start hitting the dating sites and such.

Make a clear boundary and defend it.

Big, big red flag. You don't ask? I would. In a heartbeat.

Hi Karen!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The last time we talked you were concerned your H was still in contact. I take it he wasn't.

Is he back in your bed yet?

~ Marsh

I have been reluctant to confront him with this, only b/c I really do not want to reveal my sources. I would rather he know that I don't have any access to what he is viewing on the web, just in case he falls back on his NC promise. I check to make sure that he clears all of history each time & he seems to do this as well. So, I really have no other way of knowing, at least that is what he would think!

He has been weaning himself off of the AD's, so I guess I was hoping that once his "drive" comes back he may end his visits to the sites. Is this just crazy of me to think?

I have given a really good attempt at R at this point & see subtle changes in him each & every day. However, I would love nothing more than to see things be back to normal! ha/ha

What do you think the porn sites suggest? Do they suggest a sexual desire? or/ possibly a reach back to his A? I so wish that I had the spyware on the computer prior to the A, so I could at least have some sort of idea as to the reasons to this. I would love to know if he viewed the sites prior to everything happening?? I guess I won't know that!

Thanks

What software are you using? I need to pick up a copy to track FWW.

I think it could be one of two things. One, he's worried about his performance and he's trying to figure out if he can get "excited" and revive his drive through porn (bad idea); or two, he's too lazy or selfish to work on that aspect of your marriage through other channels (i.e., doctor, romance, etc.) because the porn is meeting that need.

I could be totally off base. I only base this on what I would think in MY relationship.

The software is called:
SpectorSoft
You can purchase it right online & download too! It runs in stealth mode, so it won't be detected.
There is also a function to watch snapshots of EVERYTHING they do! You can set it to take snapshots every 5 seconds if you want & it's like watching a movie of their internet experience. You can even have it email you at work, etc. to notify you of certain things! It's CRAZY!
It is the BEST $109.95 w/tax I have ever spent!
When he gets off of the computer, I go on & watch every site he has been to, every keystroke, every email, etc.
The BEST!
I encourage anyone to purchase it & sit back and watch where they go!

Marsh,
I am so VERY happy to hear from you. I actually just sent you an email a couple of hours ago! I was wondering how you were too!
Yes, H was still in contact! It's been a very long road! I keep plugging along though!
He has not spoken to her since Feb. 28th. I found an email from him to her and I confronted him with it. The next day he was off to MC & at that point he decided that he was going to commit to the M. On his way home from the appt. (verified on the celphone bill, which he doesn't know I have access to either), I saw the call where he left her a message on her home phone.
Since that time, there have been sporadic calls to her celphone, all last 1 minute & he admitted that he was just leaving messages to her to see how she was doing. I believe him too! Yeah, after all of this!
She called him on his 40th b-day & left a message (6/30) that said happy b-day. I saw the number come up the next day as a missed call & took the phone right to him in the bathroom (naked he was, getting into the shower) and asked him to play the voice mail for me! He did!
He has assured me that he has not even left any messages for her & I again believe him! I know that she is "done" with him & she hasn't made any phone calls, other than the b-day one!
So...things are ok right now. We have not begun any MC together, he is still going to IC & seems to be improving. We were scheduled to go 2 weeks ago for our first time in over a year but we had to cancel. He has been working 15 days straight right now trying to finish up on a big construction job, so I haven't pushed him to reschedule just yet.
He is back in bed. I think it was 2 days after he made his call in February that he came back to our bed, intimacy began again & things are slowly getting back to "normal", or as "normal" as they can get right now!
Thanks so much for jumping in! Boy I have really missed you!

practically anything you read about porn talks about how it eventually leads to lack of desire and needing more and more to get aroused. ie) pictures to videos to maybe webcam shows to strip clubs to etc. obviously most people don't take it that far but i think it's a definate concern. is there any way you can catch him in the act - like walk into the room?

also how about a new phone number to reduce her contacting him? obv he can still call her...i think like verizon charges like $15 for a number change and takes a quick phone call.

The phone number change would be very tough. First of all, he was the one who was calling & leaving her messages on & off. I think the only real reason she called him at the end of July was b/c it was his 40th birthday & I think she may have felt that she owed him that; for not picking up his calls, or returning them! That's my only guess.

He is self employed & EVERYONE he has ever done work for pretty much only has that #. If he changed it, he would have to put a forwarding #, and of course that would defeat the purpose.

It's funny b/c tonight he made a comment around 8:00 that he had to run some material over to a fellow that works for him. That is sooo not like him, when he is home, he is home for the night. So, he asked me if it would be alright & I told him that I did not feel comfortable with him doing that, especially b/c it's late. So, he asked if I wanted to go along. Normally I would have (years ago) said, no go ahead, but tonight I said "yes". He was very angry for the first 10 minutes of the trip & I finally broke the ice & asked him if he was mad, "sure I am he said". This is the last time, I (meaning) he won't go next time if he needs to be watched. I told him that I was mad at him too, for all that he has done & what I have to feel like this now. It got a little heated but we both managed to keep in under control. I said a couple of things that have been bothering me lately & I feel better now.

His biggest concern seems to be that this is how it will always be. He even quoted, "it will be like this 3 years down the road", and I jumped in & told him, "not if you help me through this". That has to be the biggest obstacle for us right now....Communication!

I don't think we ever really communicated very well about the things that matter most, marriage, relationship. EN, etc. That is probably one of the biggest reasons that we find ourselves where we are today!

I'm hoping that when he catches up a bit on his work load, we can finally get back to MC, where we certainly need to be!

Hmmm....

The porn definitely is a big red waving flag!

Even if his intentions for using the porn might be to try to better your relationship - it's not a good thing to be messing with. Porn can be very addictive. Also, it is a form of betrayal. I agree with the suggestion of catching him at it by walking in on him so you can continue with the spying on the computer usage.

His wanting to go somewhere at a time of night that he normally wouldn't be going anywhere sounds suspect. I'm wondering what his tone of voice was when he asked if you wanted to go along? Did he aleady sound angry when he asked?

As far as the complaining about your lack of trust, why would he presume that you saying yes you do want to come along, after he asked you if you wanted to, necessarily be an indication of jealousy?

Trust takes a long time to repair. The person who damaged the trust can't simply demand that trust return! (This is one of the problems I had with WH. He didn't want to put any effort or time into helping me feel safe again. I was just supposed to suffer in silence with my fears. In my case my WH wanted me to trust him again, not because he cared about me and didn't want me to feel scared, but because he wanted to get away with even more.)

If your WH doesn't know very much about how to protect himself from temptation, how to protect his marriage, then he might just think that the sort of accountability that's needed to protect marriage in general is excessive. I mean even if/when you DO trust him again, there are certain things you should continue doing to protect your marriage. Most people still haven't heard of such concepts and would probably think such measures are 'controlling' or an indication of 'jealousy issues'.

Have you and your husband read the book Not Just Friends?
I've also seen some media coverage occasionally about the seemingly innocent things married people assume are safe to do and then end up in an adultery mess.

In any case (IMHO) YOU are not the one who has to prove something! He needs to work on proving he can be trusted - NOT you need to work on ignoring your valid concerns and just pretending you trust him.

Oh Karen! I can't tell you how often I thought about you and wondered how you were doing.

I can't imagine all that you've gone though these last 6 months...and ALL w/o MB. You are truly a wonder!

And your little girl must be two/three years old, right?


You are amazing!



Thank God!

Is he still seeing that same IC?



Ugh! That was only days ago.




Yes, I understand your not wanting to push this w/ his schedule.

How about giving Steve a call as soon as his work schedule lightens up?


Phew!!!! About damned time!



Awww, and I'm so VERY happy to have heard from you again.

((((Karen))))

~ Marsh

Good for you!



Good job being honest w/ him.



Yes, you really do need this!

~ Marsh

Hi Karen:
Glad to see you post again...I have been trying to find some help and guidance also this couple of months. I have a thread in recovery that I was asking for help in communications department and I got some great advice. You can check it out and those really works a lot better than our old ways...
About porn, I caught my H also doing the same thing during his withdrawal. I think it may have something to do with their shifting addictions...They are very vulnerable during this period with their loss of the fantacy relationship (the A) and their low drive because of the weak bonding in marriage and their drive usually is low for some time...But porn is definitely going to make the whole thing more difficult.
I caught him once and confronted him...It was not a pleasant conversation to say the least, actually it led to a big explostion between us...H was still pretty foggy at that time and even attempted to call OW the month after I confronted him about his porn viewing...But I think it was a good thing to confront him and he knew my stand very clearly in this. I then proceed to install a filter in all our computers and now nobody can access those material anymore in our house. Since then, I feel more relaxed when I go out and our R improved a lot. I do see a real danger in not taking actions in our cases. If they could be in A, they pretty much have an addictive personality and porn addiction is very serious.
Maybe you can try to accidentally walk in the house and catch him...after he knows that you know about that, find a time to really talk to him about how you feel about it...I told my H later that I felt undesirable and unloved when I know he is viewing other woman...and this seems to have an impact on him...
I know how hard and how painfully slow recovery can feel...I'm also struggling a lot in this, especially in communications part for us, but it does get better when the bonding is there...
So I would say, do confront him and then install a filter in your computer...

LA

I usually do have an opportunity to voice my opinion about the porn, since it sometimes comes up as a joke, since we have a 15 year old still at home. I make it very clear next opportunity to express my feelings to my H.

I REALLY think that it must have something to do with his AD's, he is not an overly sexually active person, trust me! So when he is looking at those sites, I'm not too concerned that he may be looking for the obvious reasons.

Did you H subscribe to any of the sites, or was he just browsing them? My H usually gives up after 10 minutes or so, probably b/c he isn't finding anything interesting enough to keep him in there!

Can you send me your thread on the communication you were referring to? My H & I have always been able to communicate great about everything else, finances, business, future plans, etc. but when it came to our relationship, I think we sank big time!

It was really nice to talk with you again, I'm hanging around for awhile! We'll talk soon!

meremortal,
We are not much of reading "kind" of people, trust me! During the times when the A was very active, I would pass information from this website (cut & paste) to a word document just for my H to read. While he was sitting in a one room motel all by himself, he swears to me that he read all of the material I sent to him. With our 16 month running around, H working everyday (including weekends), there really isn't much time for him to read. Now my excuse...I'm just not a reader! I can read here at MB for hours but put a book in front of me & forget it!

I think that my H wants this trust back RIGHT AWAY b/c he feels like he has climbed a mountain for us! By dropping the OW & coming back to us!; giving up his happiness, his true love, etc. etc. - I'm making myself sick! Yikes! Almost like we should praise him over & over again for making such a wonderful decision as he did. He REALLY thinks in his mind that he is doing REALLY GOOD, which he is, but still, my gosh, give me a little credit here; especially where credit is due! That's what's very hard right now for me!

He is a very controlling person, and so am I. During the years of our relationship prior to the A, he would give me a lot of the control, very willingly too! Now it's like he wants it all back again, well, not all of it, I'll be fair in saying that! But he certainly wants more than he is entitled to, IMO.

Marsh,
He is still seeing the same IC & I am thankful that he continues to go! My H is not a "counseling kinda guy", trust me, and certainly not a AD"s guy either! So, in an event, he has proven himself in both of those fields. I am so glad that I took the time on the front side to really search for the "right" C for both of us!

Ya know it's funny b/c I don't ask any questions about the A; frankly I'm not too sure that I even want to know anymore than I already do! Sure I think a lot about places that they probably met for dinner, overnight ventures, etc. & it just makes me ill, so I immediately remove the thought from my head & move on! It's tough though! I stopped taking my AD's over 2 months ago & I am happy with the progress that I have made w/out them!

It's interesting when I sit back & think about my actions these last 6 months & I guess I must have taken the withdrawal method. I just frankly was so tired of talking about this whole situation with friends, family, etc. that I just needed to step out for a bit! I certainly missed talking with everyone, but at times it was very exhausting!
Don't get me wrong, I used all of the wisdom from all of you...Pros, and just filtered it to fit my situation. At times I may have not said the right things, or acted the way that I should have, but for the most part, I think things went ok.

I REALLY want to say...Thanks to all of you! Again & Again!