Just found out my husband has been having phone contact with OW since he moved out. Now he says that was just a fantasy and he is moving back home. He moved out 4 wks ago but has been working out of state for three of those weeks. He came back into our city for three days but continued to live in his apartment. He left to go work in another state and says that he wants to move back. But I took cell phone as he was leaving and saw his text messages to and from OW. He says that he realize that was only a fantasy and he wants to come home when he done with job. He is also going to be near OW. He says he won't make contact but I don't believe him. I just don't know what to do. He told our DD's that he is moving back home when he gets back. That is so not fair. He is going to destroy them if he doesn't. Do you think that even though he had contact with OW he is ready to work on our marriage or do you think I should just give up? Before he left he asked for the Suriving an Affair book and I made a copy of the emotional needs questionarie for him. He says if she calls he will call me. He can't change his cell phone due to work. I need expert help please
BS 42
WH 43
DS 19
DD 13
DD10
Married 21 yrs.
d-Day July 8 07

Give up already? It's you call, but I think you might have a few good weeks of a really good Plan A in you yet.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? His Needs/Her Needs?

Have you exposed the affair yet? Especially to OW's husband, his parents, your parents?

How is you Plan A going?

Him saying to your girls that he is moving home and then not moving home, will not destroy them. It will hurt them very badly, but it will not destroy them. Okay? Spend lots of extra time with them, try to do fun things together that you all need very badly right now, and lots of hugs for each other.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but you and your girls are going to make it.

Oh, I missed the fact that you have a 19 yo DS, too. Have you exposed to him? A boy that age may have some influence on his dad. And the kids very much need to understand what is going on, in age appropriate terms.

This is tough, no one can say with certainty he will be honest or he won't.

So, what are the possible scenarios?

He goes, is in contact with OW daily, lies to you about it.

He goes, is in contact with OW, tells you about it.

He goes, is able to ignore OW, she tries to contact, he lies.

He goes, is able to ignore OW, she tries to contact, he tells you about it.

He goes, is able to ignore OW, no further contact.



And there arem any combinations in between.

You have ABSOLUTELY no control over any of the scenarios...you can't make him want to not contact her...you can't make him want your marriage.

You can make you and the marriage seem more appealing, and how do you do that? By treating him with calmness, and respect.

So...let me throw this out atcha, many may disagree, but you will know if it is right for you or not...trust him, respect his word, that is the gift you can give to him right now. The truth will eventually come out if he is being dishonest. But the gift of trusting him right now can really help him to trust you again.

Is he worthy of your trust? Probably not, but what are you afraid of if he is dishonest again? Being taken advantage of? Being lied to? This may happen if you trust him or not... We fear being vulnerable. But being vulnerable and giving your love and trust to him right now does not mean you are any more likely to get hurt than if you were closed, resentful, and mistrusting.

Think about this...

Thank you for your help. Yes DS knows but he doesn't want to deal with it. He just says whatever will be will be. I did read SAA. I am trying to do plan A. The OW is not married but she does have kids. I only have a cell number for her she lives in New York we live in Louisiana. I am trying to find more information on her. I only have a first name. I know I have to believe him when he says now he is not in contact. I do have to say the last time I saw him even before he said he wanted to make the marriage work, he seem to be his old self. Before it was like a zombie had taken him over. He just wasn't himself. His mother mentioned that she felt that he was back to his old self this time he came back to our city. I am not giving up. Just sometimes I feel like a fool. Thank you to everyone for all the help.

lulu, I would call the OW and have a little chat with her. She may not care that he is married but sometimes they do. My H's OW certainly DID CARE and dumped him that day. She might even know he is married. Tell her everything, such as how he is married and how he has told her his affair was "just a fantasy" and is coming home now. Ask her to stop calling him for the sake of your marriage and your children.

I agree with Mel....call this woman and make sure she is aware of the what H is telling you and ask her to back off. You have no idea what he's told her about your marriage or about you....so be calm but firm. Appeal to her as a "mother" to imagine how heartbreaking this is on your children. Also, if this is a work-related affair....you might want to expose it at work.

Also...do NOT let him back in the house while he's still in contact with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO NOT accept him back while he's still wayward in any way. Set some crystal clear boundaries for what you expect of him BEFORE he can come home.

Marriage counseling.
No contact letter sent to OW, copied to you. (any other form of NC that does not directly include you is NOT acceptable)
Total access to his cell phone, email, EVERYTHING!!
Total accountability for his time and actions.
A complete and total committment to fixing the marriage

If he doesn't meet all of those criteria BEFORE he's scheduled to return...he doesn't come home.

We've seen COUNTLESS posters give in on these kinds of requirements and let a STILL wayward spouse return...only to end up in false recoveries and failed marriages. Stick to your guns...it really is your best chance for recovery.

Lulu I agree with MelodyLane - call the OW!

You have no clue what he's really telling her and vice versa!

For all you know he may be telling her that you have an 'open marriage', are separated, are in the process of getting a divorce, are already divoced, that you are somehow 'forcing' him to stay married to you, that he's not even married...

And make sure you tell her what he said about the adultery being "just a fantasy" and he said he's moving back home!

She may be angry at you for calling her. She may say she doesn't believe you. But my epxerience with this (with two different OW) was that regardless of how the OW reacted to me with hostility and disbelief, it did cause them to start arguing with my WH about his attempt to string both his BW and OW along. PLUS: it prompted the OW to start acting jealous and controlling with WH which is a VERY big bonus. Part of the appeal of the adultery - the fantasy - is that here's this OW he can go off and have fun with, NO STRINGS ATTACHED. More than likely the OW has been very careful to never make demands on WH or to act jealous. OW know secrecy is in their favor - as long as the BW and other people don't know they can't interfere with the adultery. You know the old saying: 'what they don't know can't hurt them'? Well what that really measn is what they (the betrayED) don't know can't hurt them (the betrayERS). Adultery thrives in secrecy, in fact depends on secrecy to survive.

I remember trying to talk to the OW and asking her why she had never called ME, why she didn't want to know what he was telling me. I asked her why he shouldn't have to say whatever he had to say to us in front of both of us. Why would she want to allow him to cake-eat, lie to BOTH of us, and play us both along? What I didn't realize at the time is that she was buying herself time for my WH to get more attached to her. She needed the secrecy to continue for her own reasons. Also, the OW can pretend to be 'innocent' as long as their only sin is trusting and believing whatever the WH tells them... Knowing the truth (that he's married and NO the marriage isn't 'dead') deprives the OW of her ability to commit adultery while maintaining the appearance of being a 'good' person.

So again, CALL THE OW!!! Don't be surprised if she's hostile. Don't get defensive or hurt by whatever she says.
Just try to give her as much of a reality check as you can before she starts screaming curses at you and hangs up LOL
Then she will take the specific info you gave her and she will confront the WH with it (fingers crossed). And he will NOT like his little miss fantasy figure acting like, well like a wife would act LOL. (SHEEESH - are men really so naive that they can't comprehend that the OW ultimately want exactly what the BW wants - marriage and comittment?)

luluee,

e-mail me:

pumpkin3_141@yahoo.com

I live in CNY