My FWW eventually gave up her job and about a year later found one that pays about half as much. In total, we're making about 80% of what we used to be making prior to her A. Doesn't seem like much of a drop, until you factor in the annual expenses. Our savings rate has dropped significantly.

But, she says, she wanted to leave that job anyway...

Fled,

You deserve triple gold stars for your tolerance in all this. One other thought. That OC must have a purpose of some sort to be determined later. His/her existance is not his/her fault....sorry I don't remember the gender if it's ever been stated. God must have had a reason....and although it's a tough situation, you are investing in that reason....regardless of the vessel that created him/her.

No, I'm sure it wasn't that much fun.....and it's still not fair, ..... but I trust God will care for that OC somehow....and you will get the blessing.

Ace

Cost:

In months leading up to and through the A money was spent on "things" including stuff for the kids and grandchild without my knowledge (can anyone say "Independent Behavior?") that either resulted from or contributed to a sense of entitlement. This also included clothing (she had recently lost a lot of weight) and just a bunch of "stuff" that may or may not still even exist.

It was probably the spending of money that led me to begin to withdraw and may have reinforced her entitlement that led to the affair, among other things.

Real cost is in terms of relationships. Not only was our M damaged, but she can no longer simply go to visit her step mother, who is OM's next door neighbor.

While she was caring for SM's house and father while SM was on active duty W developed friendships with people in that area that she met through the church where her father's memorial service was held. She still has a very good friend (female) in that area and they email and talk on the phone several times per week. Since the end of the A they have only met twice, once while my W was on a business trip in the general vicinity and once when W & I went to KY for the funeral of SM's father last August. We were the only family members to make the trip BTW.

It also cost her in terms of strained relationships at both the church in KY where she attended when there as well as at our home church where I am an elder. She burned so many bridges by pushing people away and attempting a defer her guilt that she no longer feels connected to many of the women she was extremely close to for years.

In none of these cases was it the fault of the other women that their closeness has subsided but rather because she herself withdrew from being close to them in order to pursue and sustain her relationship with OM. To lead her double life, she not only withdrew from me, but also DS and even her sisters including her twin. She and her twin were once so close that I often said that if her sister stubbed her toe, my W limped for days. When they lived 800 miles apart, they bought identical leather coats on the same day and neither knew about the other's purchase for nearly two years when we visited her sister out east. They are still close, but not nearly as close as they once were.

I do find it interesting that my wife is having the hardest time reconnecting to the the people she was closest to before the A and that it was these very same people that I first chose as recipients for exposure. These are the folks that gathered around and helped her end the A and assisted her in getting through withdrawal. My guess is that she harbors a sense of guilt that just isn't going away, though it might in the future. I do pray that this is the case.

One additional cost was that within a couple weeks of Dday while W and I were away for the weekend DS, then only 20, was stopped after a party where he had been drinking and lost his driver's license for 6 months. I felt badly that I had not remained closer to him and had left him on his own too much because of what I was dealing with. I did help him during his ordeal in a way that he probably still doesn't understand. The officer who stopped him is one of my customers and gave him a break for my sake. He wrote him up under the zero tolerance statute (applies to under age drinking) as opposed to busting him for DUI, which would have cost him much more in terms of loss of driving privileges as well as money. In addition, when the tow truck came to drag his car away, the driver was another friend of mine who locked his car in his shop instead of in the impound lot where things tend to disappear from cars left overnight. Considering the stereo system we put in that car, he is very fortunate that he wasn't left with only the wires.

A lot more people end up paying for an A than just the WS, BS and the OP and his/her S.

Since the infection I got this past winter is one that seldom even occurs in healthy people it has been suggested that it may be the result of severe stress that my immune system was ineffective in repelling the bacteria. THE stressful event of the past couple of years was dealing with the A and trying to save our M because of it. So even my illness, the loss of income it produced, the expense of hospitalization and medications, doctor costs and our inability to take a vacation this year are likely all additional costs of poor boundary enforcement...AKA an affair.

Mark

Hey Owl,

You must not have registered your birthday with MB....don't see the cake icon. Tell ya what....why don't you just share the one I made Pep since she's retired. Go to the Notable Posts (pined to the top of GQII) and click on the next to the last page. I put a link there to the "Did Pep Leave?" thread (no time to link it now) and you can have a bite of Pep's cake <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />......yeah......she left right after I baked it for her. Took me an hour....glad I did it, too.

You said:


You're so right. Mr Goodstuff talks about how his M is BETTER than before the A....... mine is too....and it is priceless.

Thanks for your input.....and Happy Birthday. (BTW, what was the surprize? If you care to share, please put it on the "shootin' the breeze thread " on the recovery forum.)

Ace

Hi WhoMe,

You raise an interesting point:


This is actually my main motivation for starting this thread.

Financial Literacy Education....one of my passions despite the fact that we are in 6 figure debt, not even counting the mortages (yep ~ two of them...maxed out equity at one time.)

The entire equation changes when you fling in the effect$ of the A.

My FWH says that on the emotional damage alone, he would have never entertained taking up with that OW if he had known how long it would take me to recover. H is quick to forget and move on....one his biggest flaws (as well as one of his greatest assets). Unfortunately, he forgot that I am not like that.....my memory keeps me clinging to the past...but I just had a huge "ahah moment" which I described on my Trials & Smiles Thread. (Of course, the WS fog clouds all judgement so I realize that his claims might or might not have been true.)



I guess my hope is that by the time this thread slides away, at least one lurker will have been affected whether or not he/she registers to let us know.


In that respect, distance does help, but "less than 10K" doesn't sound that cheap to me, though. Was that for the A itself or recovery?



Part of me still wants that type of satisfaction b/c we only exposed to her H and he did/does NOT seem to care enough to seek any more info. On day I may find out, but I'm working on 'not caring'. She was such a liar in denial that justice will serve her on its own. Don't want to waste anymore thought power on her now, anyhow.

I do hope she's reading these forums and fixes herself and her marriage. I think that hearing my WH say that "she was ugly, boring and a worse liar than him b/c she's in denial and probably already cheating with another guy" brought as much satisfaction as I needed to smile because he said it without my asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your input, Who.

Ace

Chrisner:

"Wayzilla"? LOL Too funny!

I just remember that when WXH was involved with OW #6 of 7 WE ended up with a debt to the IRS. We were living in Denver and he was hired as a computer consultant in Albuquerque, NM. He had been unable to find work in his field for 6 months and this was just a one month contract so off he went promising to come home weekends... the contract got renewed month by month so the job lasted 10 months. Coming home every weekend turned into every two weeks... and then even less often... I went down to NM with our daughters to stay with him for a week two different times.

Anway I had made an appointment for him to go get the taxes done two different times but both times he changed his mind and didn't come home for the weekend. Next time I brought it up he told me not to 'nag' him - he would take care of it. So I never mentioned it again. Contract ended, he was unemployed for 6 months and owed the IRS all the taxes for the 10 months he worked in NM (at about $50 per hour).

Guess what he was doing when he didn't want to come home weekends? I found out he was living with a coworker the last 6 months he was there - only kept the apartment for show if/when I showed up for a visit (or for when she would get mad at him for 'cheating' on her with OW at work LOL) And guess what her job at the company was? She was the head of the accounting department! I LB'd him big time on that: "So you two couldn't stop ****ing long enough for her to do your taxes for you?!?!?" We couldn't even start paying the IRS debt for a while because he was unemployed then. It took 7 years to pay off the IRS debt plus interest and penalties!!! While we were living in an RV the IRS even tried to put a lien on the RV even though it was our sole place of residence - not our vehicular toy - but where we had to live. I don't even remember what the total was by the time we got it all paid off - tens of thousands of dollars.

And we had just gotten that paid off, were renting a home and talking about finally building or buying our dream home, WH was making $55 per hour, had some $ in a 401K account... and he started up with OW#7.

I also forgot to mention that when oldest daughter was hospitalized with severe depression (after her daddy became alien WH) she was moved to a group home. They are taking the expense of that group home out of my paychecks. Her hospital bill was $800 per day (adult psychiatric ward); she was there a total of almost 3 months. So far I've not been told that I have to pay that back (she had applied through social services for benefits to cover all the expenses of her treatment)

Also right before WH moved out (after behaving as an alien for a year) I was diagnosed with severe hypertension. I was an otherwise very healthy, athletic person: Figure skating/ice dance several times per week, taught a 2 hour long Irish step dance class every week, water aerobix class almost every week, was only about 10-15 pounds overweight. My doctor said I didn't need to lose weight and that the hypertension was stress induced. Of course all sorts of medical tests were done to check for corresponding heart or kidney problems, but nothing besides stress was found as cause. I was worried because WH was acting so weird and WH had never helped me deal with his past adulteries - just expected me to 'get over it' and 'trust' him...

Hey Lindy,

Saw on the "50 something Thread" that you were multi-tasking....trying to post and bleach your hair at the same time. Did it turn [color:"green"] green[/color] ?

That's the color of this [color:"green"] money [/color] thread so I thought I'd mention it. OH>>>>I used your idea regarding the hungry lions (verses being foggy) so check out the edited Lion/Buffalo version.

How did your MC session go dealing with your and your husband's financial status/future/spending habits? Email me if you'd rather....ya really should have your own recovery thread, y'know. LOL

Thanks for posting.

Ace

Hi Meremortal,

Chrisner is hilarious, isn't he? He wrote a funny poem on some thread lately but I don't remember where....I'll try to find it.

Check out the video link Chrisner posted on "50 Something + or - Thread" about a young buffalo calf that survives a lion pack attack. It's great and we have a discussion going about an analogy of how the clip relates to MB principles.

Sorry to hear about your tax issues. That's a whole new aspect of this 'sucking' sensation brought on by the infamous A's.

My H had hypertension during his A.....in fact that trust issue is what we used to cover our A trust trauma after D=Day #1.....my lack of trust when he secretly concealed his trip to the ER and all the meds he was hiding in his truck. Amazing, he's all healthy now....except for a bout with sciatica that he's nearly over...thank God.

If you ever remember the source of your A cost estimates, please post it for all of us. I do not doubt that for a bit.

Thanks for posting, MM.....btw, did you see that Orchid was paging you earlier?

Ace

Flyrec: So sorry for your devastation....on so many aspects. You deserve so much better and it sounds like he got what he deserved now that she dumped him. How sad. Do you have a strong support group where you live? I'll be praying for you.

*****

RLT: You posted your recap the same day you went into a funk. SOOOOO Sorry....but maybe your venting and getting it out helped. Sounded like things were going better yesterday (based on your MF Fun Thread post). It is quite staggering, isn't it. Second job gives hime lots of time to grow remorseful if he isn't already.

*****

Hey BK,

You claim you got off light with only 10K in A expenses. Wow! Was that a guess or did you actually add it up one day? We got off light, too since OW lives across the country and they never met. But I would pay millions (if I had it) to get back my ability to trust.

*****

doingfine,

I'll bet you'd be surprised if you added up all your extra expenses due to your H's A and behaviors surround it. It's mind-boggling how this WS fogginess numbs so many $enses, isn't it? Hope you and your H find a resolution, soon...and I still think you should have your own thread...I'd post to it.

*****

THANKS TO ALL WHO POSTED (FIRST PAGE) TO THIS PERSONAL QUESTION THREAD. I try to respond to all immediately but got behind. Thanks for your patience....hope to get to the 2nd page soon.

Ace

Wow, JinGA,

You are one strong trooper to endure all of that. Hope things are getting better now.



Amazing how large a role "the wind" plays in these relationship recovery (or lack of it) processes. 'Thowing caution to the wind' is even life-threatening when you consider STDs. But financial devastation can cause such stress it could almost create as much havoc.

Thanks for sharing on this thread and all over the boards.

Ace

Hi MiM,

You said:



I don't know your sitch, but I'm assuming OM worked at the forfeited job. It's amazing the sacrifices needed to be made that are never ever considered when the passion for lusty pleasure overwhelms one. But you're still married, it's a good thing; you can find ways to make more money, but the R and M are irreplaceable.


I hope it was worth it.



This statement puzzles me....does it mean she would have stayed in spite of its impact on your potential recovery?

Is your present sitch linkable on one thread somewhere? I'm curious about your story.....vaguely remember you posting to TJ3 awhile back.....or did you?

My H's job termination (due to habits that also led to his A) put a serious damper on all of our finances...retirement, savings, bill-paying.....everything. In fact, that's one of the reasons I was so willing to sell the house, take the equity (he said I could have all....generous of him, wasn't it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) and start over.

But God (had to be a miracle) changed his heart and he saw that I was serious on D=Day #4. Maybe that's one slim benefit of multiple D-Days....ya get to practice til ya get it right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Now he has 2 new jobs paying nearly twice what he was making and with half the stress......also, one job is his passion that he's done for years without pay, but now people are actually willing to pay him nearly 3 times his previous hourly rate.

I will share the entire miracle after it'$ complete, but three words sum it up for now: God Is Faithful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting, MiM.

Ace

Hi Acey,

I wasn't guessing. Rent double bills etc. It was $10k.

would have been debt free except the house about 9 months earlier due to affair #1 counting a nyc trip she took to "think things through" and money for her apartment she only stayed in a few months after moving out. probably about $4000. affair #2 really hits home as after i refinance to buy her out (we are getting seperated), i'll end up with a bigger mortgage than when we started and that's after paying for 7 years on a 15 year mortgage. i guess it's good the house value went up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> also i was less than a year from quitting my dayjob and just working from home and now i need a new plan for that.

as we all know the real cost - emotional agony to the entire family including children and parents can't really be measured.

Good point, A2B2A,

So sorry for your situation and how it changed in the last few year$.

I posted earlier that I would pay millions (if I had it) to recover my ability to have blind trust back.

The emotional agony is un-recoverable in any form of compensation......at least in this life.

Which brings up another point that might TJ my own thread, but oh well.

We can't take anything to heaven except our soul/spirits. I'm assuming the aliens forcing such destruction in our families will be banned at the gates. If we see our pre-A spouses (assuming they're there, too), will the memories of their Alien-driven behaviors that destroyed us be intact?

I guess this is another aspect of why "Affairs Suck" that goes beyond the financial implications~~~> although in a sense, the two are related.

How else do Affairs Suck besides financial and emotional?

Ace

Wow, Big K,

I guess I was asking a rhetorical question more than disputing your figures. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

At any rate, it's inspiring to see from you who have recovered that it is priceless whether it (the A itself or recovery efforts) cost 10K or a gazilllllionK. It gives us great hope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,
Acey

If I remember correctly, the Pharasees (sp?) asked Jesus the same kind of question except it was about this woman that married seven brothers one at a time. (I think I've got my story straight.) The question was when they get to heaven who will be her husband. Jesus said (basically) that there would be no husbands and wives in heaven.

So I guess having a spouse is only an earthly pleasure (or pain depending on how you look at it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PM,

You're right...what was I thinking? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

End of my own THREADJACK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Back to Affair$ $ucking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Ace! It all just sucks! I do have good friends though. I have a bio Mom, Step mom, and Dad, which are 3 of the most selfish, self centered people I know, so family was of no help whatsoever. They do not value marriage or family much at all. I really had no idea or guidance whatsoever going through this, went through a terrible depression. I didn't discover MB until Wayyyyyyyyy too late; I might have had a chance, otherwise. But i did everything wrong, LB'd every time I saw him, just was a complete basket case. But I got through it, I'm stronger now, and I know that no matter what happens I will be okay, as will my kids! And they are awesome kids, and love me so much in spite of everything! As I do them!

Unfortunately, I found out that OW is not out of the pic. My sons, the 2 oldest, were out of town with their grandmother, so my ex only got my daughter, and I found out OW was there the whole time he had her. Our divorce was fin al Friday, and she had her granddaughters there, who my daughter consider her friends, and they had a "party," OW bought cupcakes for them, bought presents for my daughter, etc. It was upsetting for me. If they want to celebrate amongst themselves, that's fine, but don't drag my daughter into it. Don't celebrate the demise of her family, and don't try to buy her love! It's terrible how they think. And they are telling her they are getting married. This woman is 12 years older than my ex, has 2 granddaughters, and married 5 times!

Nothing I can do, so I choose to live well. I will not see them as much as I can avoid them, I will not ask, and I will not worry about details in their lives. They do not exist anymore. My children and I are the only ones in my world!

Thanks, Everyone!

[[[[[[[[[[[FLYREC]]]]]]]]]]]

So the D was finalized Friday. Wow, that is tough.


How did you get from depression over losing everything to this state of confidence? Many can benefit from your experiences. I'm proud for you as you should be of yourself and your children.


This scenario might suck even more than losing everything, especially what you said about intermingling your children as if they're one big happy family. AAAAaaaargh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I would be upset, too.


With your positive outlook, Flyrec, you'll heal.....and if a miracle doesn't whomp your EX to his senses (even if the D is final, it has happened), you may meet someone in the future (after you heal) that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll be praying for you. If your whole story is on one thread, please link it for me. Thanks for sharing.

Ace

Well, I don't know about confidence, but my IC tends to think I just naturally have strong survival skills. My own parents married as teens b/c mom was pregnant. That marriage lasted only long enough for my brother and I to be born, 2 years. We lived w/mom's family til I was 5, not much contact w/dad, but then her mother (my grandmother) passed away, so we were sent to live w/dad while mom went to pursue her own goals. Dad married Stepmom, it was not a happy marriage and ended when I turned 18. So Bio mom and dad are eternal teenagers, and stepmom is bitter, resentful person who tolerates me b/c she loves my kids.

I married at 20, managed to get my college degree in 1999. I look back now and see there were warning signs, but I was young and dumb and in love, and I just didn't know anything, and I wouldn't listen to those who did. He cheated twice while we dated, which I did not know about until after we were married. We were only married a year when he had an EA with a girl he had a crush on. He swore it was never a PA and I used to believe him, but now who knows. It really doesn't matter anymore. But now that I think about it, I think he is one of the serial cheaters b/c I now remember there were always women at work or activities which he talked about and it seemed he developed crushes on them. I never really thought about it at the time.

I had an EA in May - June of 1999. I don't know why, even to this day. I just developed a crush on some guy and enjoyed the attention. It became very close to becoming a PA, but when it came down to the choice, I couldn't do it. I chose my husband and family. I told him everything, which caused a lot of hurt and pain and stress for the next 3 years. Slowly, it seemed to get better and by 2002 I thought we were out of the woods.

Anyhow, D-Day was in June 2006. He had moved out Feb. 2006 to "sort things out for himself." But I had sensed things weren't right for about a year before that. He had completely emotionally detached from us and didn't care much about anything - finances, house, kids, etc. He worked nights, I worked days, we never saw each other. And I was not pleasant when we did, because I was running on empty the whole time. I mostly remember just being completely, horribly exhausted during those last 3 years before he left. I was working full time and I was responsible for everything with the kids, house, bills, etc. He worked and slept, for the most part. Of course, he doesn't remember it that way. And when we were together, I was a real B!tch! So he met someone at work and decided he liked her better!

When I finally knew for sure, in June 2006, was when the depression really hit! I fell apart at work, couldn't stop crying, and my friends and supervisor there were wonderful! They really helped me through this dark time. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, lost about 25 lbs in a couple of weeks. I would stay up on my patio chain smoking all night until the early AM's, which eventually caused problems for my lungs. I would wake up in the night with anxiety attacks, feeling like I couldn't breathe. I was numb, and I couldn't feel any joy or excitement with my kids, I was just going through the motions.

And, as I said, I did everything wrong! I let him be a cake eater for a long time, he kept going back and forth. One week he wanted to work it out, the next he wanted OW. He blamed me for everything wrong in the marriage, all sorts of stuff I knew nothing about. I begged him on my knees to come back, fell apart crying, I'd verbally attack him everytime I saw him, which did lots of damage to my kids and they started having problems in school. I let him dictate the amount of child support he would give me. I did not expose, and only selectively. I finally did relate to his parents. I let him play me. I had a "revenge affair." Like I said, I did everything wrong!

My Dad and Bio Mom, who are both on their 4rth marriages, said things like "You're better off without him." Maybe true, but didn't really help whatsoever. My stepmom's attitude was that she had her own problems and couldn't concern herself about mine. No support from family at all.

Thank God, I do have some really good friends. They invited me over on Friday nights when he had the kids. They loaned me money when times were tight, they were there when I needed someone to talk to and cry on. I talked to my doctor, who prescribed AD's. Talked to the schools, who informed me about my behaviour and how it was affecting my kids, so I stopped attacking my ex every time I saw him. I took a major road trip during Thanksgiving with the kids, and it gave me a lot of time to think. It really was a turning point for me and I realized I could never change him, I could only change me. It was up to me if I was going to let this get me down, and be a bitter, unhappy person for the rest of my life. I chose to be happy. It's not perfect. I have my moments when I break down. But I see an IC and that helps a lot. I quit smoking the beginning of this year, and got a new job the beginning of the summer, and I love it! I'm working out, eating healthier, and no longer take the AD's.

So, that's my story! Sorry it's so long.