Hi,
I posted about two years ago. My husband had an affair with someone he met at drug rehab. To make a long story short, the affair continued for a year and half with him telling me about the affair a number of times with promises it was over and it was not over. Everything was a lie for almost 2 years. Last January 6th was the last contact he had with the other women and he has been clean for 9 months. I have seen a huge change in him and it has been a positive change. It has been amazing to watch the progress. He still attends his group counseling and AA we have been attending a family counseling program for two years. It has been very helpful but I feel really frustrated now because my issues are not drug problems that everyone else has in the group, rather infidelity issues that people in the group don't have. I feel very alone and have had felt a lot of pain the last couple of months. I am the one now that is jeopardizing our marriage because of my anger and resentment. I guess I am asking for help and advice. I am not very good at this and have a hard time asking for help. I thought of attending the marriage builder’s workshop.

Conneen,
I just wanted to acknoledge your post and welcome you back to MB forum.

I'm certainaly no expert, but based on your post, it seems very obvious to me that in all of the efforts you and FWH have made towards drrug rehab, the consideration and rehab from his infedelity have been placed on the back burner.

Much easier for him not to have to deal with this in a real and meaniful manner, and use drug rehab as the excuse. It keeps the heat off of his horible chioce, while, I must remind you, happened while he was clean, yes?

That, understandably, leaves you feeling empty and un resolved and not in any real recovery process for yourself. I think you, perhaps, you find yourself asking, what about me?

Do you think your H is strong enough now to counsel with SH? This would be a great move and Steve is very adept in coming up with recovery plans for a miriad of situations. Your's is sorta unique in that, you feel an obligation not to upset your H's recovery from drug.

I don't have a plan as I am not the expert, SH is. Do you think that is doable?

All Blessings,
Jerry

Conneen,

Welcome to MB. Jerry's right, you need to work this out. The BS goes through several stages before final recovery kicks in.

Start by reading the concepts section above, then get the book: His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley. It will help you learn HOW to communicate with your H. Also read SAA (suriving an affair). Then u both take the EN questionnaire. After that, call Steve. You will have done the preliminary work and be ready for a productive call. Phone counseling w/Steve works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you'd like, read the stages of grieving thread in my sig link. It may help.

You need closure and recovery. Your H needs to help you and you need to allow him to help you.

take care,
L.

Hon, you can come here and talk to us. We know exactly what you are going through. In fact, many of us went through the toughest part of our recoveries from adultery around the 8-12 month mark. That is when the relief wears off and the anger comes out. It is a natural part of the grief process.

However, lashing out at him with your anger will harm your marriage. But you can come here and talk to us. I would suggest 2 books that will help you enormously, Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley. You can buy them on this website cheap.

Sorry you are here, but we can help you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Glad you came back again. There are a whole bunch of people here dealing with the same thing you are. Recovery is tough!

Overcoming the drug problems AND the infidelity is a double-whammy. There are probably a lot of folks in the group that have had infidelity problems, but they have been overshadowed by the drug problems.

As I recover more and more, and am open about things, I'm meeting lots of people (who I never would have suspected) that are facing infidelity.

How is hubby doing at meeting your emotional needs and spending 15 hours a week doing fun things with you?

Thank you so much for your comments. I ordered the books and look forward to reading them. I have a lot of work to do. My problems right now are anger and fear. My husband had an internet affair about 10 years ago that lasted for 2 years. When I found out about it I was devastated. It lasted about 6 months after I found out with a bunch of lies and deception. He would tell me it was over with me finding out it was not over. My biggest fear is if he could do the internet affair could he have a real affair. My worst fears came true and now I fear that I will be dealing with these same issues again in 5 years. We did a lot of work to put our marriage back together after the internet affair and I thought things were going well. I know I have a lot of things I need to work on and hope I can work through these issues on this website. Thanks again for your help.

What is he doing to make sure it doesn't happen again? He needs to have some boundaries when around women - no personal chat, no talk about his or her problems, giving you his passwords for email and computer, being open with his cell phone, accounting for all his time, etc.

I feel he is being honest. He works all day and I really only see him at night and weekends. But the time we spend together feels right. You know the counseling that is on this website is different than what I have had by the counselor that directs the family group I go to. He said that I have to learn to retrust husband and that I should not check his email, phone, or things like that. He said if I do those things I am the person who is sick. I have not checked my husband phone or email in months because of that. I want to do the right thing maybe it is not.

Well, I guess this site differs a bit from your counselor. Here the motto is trust, but verify. I'm sure you will know something is up if your hubby gets distant. In the meantime be sure to spend 15 hours a week together doing fun things. That is essential to recovery, and just a good marriage.

Evidently your trust has not been restored and you both need closure. What is he doing to help restore your trust in him and bring you closure?

L.