WH has never used the word divorce. Seems to want to me to continue being a stay-at-home mom. Tries to pretend like there's no OW. Didn't want to tell the kids we're no longer together. I finally forced the issue. But of course he doesn't want to live together or work on the marriage. It's all very weird. I'm giving him legal separation papers this weekend. How have other WS's responded to the BS's efforts to take steps to move on?

sl77,

Have you read up on Plan A and B? Are you saying you don't want to work on the marriage?

I did plan A, unknowingly, I found this site only after I went to plan B. I got to the point where I couldn't take the pain of having him look at me with disdain anymore. He gave every indication that he's still seeing the OW. Said he just doesn't "feel" it with me anymore. Now I don't "feel" it with him anymore, so I'm taking steps to build a life that doesn't include him. But he's given me no indication that he wants a divorce. I guess I'm just looking for a little insight into why he's doing this, and I'm also nervous about giving him the papers. I have no idea if he'll be relieved, angry, or whatever. Deep down I hope it does start to open his eyes, but that's something I try not to think about.

IF you want to work on your marriage, DO NOT give him the SEPARATION PAPERS, tell him that you want to work on your marriage, invite him to come back home and then do PLAN A.

Read up on the MB PLANS to inform you that PLAN B is not effective in recovering a marriage (IF that is your goal) without an effective PLAN A.

I encourage you to read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR to gain a full understanding of the MB philosopy.

do NOT sleep with your H until he has been tested for every STD. No matter what Plan A may say about meeting his EN's.... one thing that is not pointed out on this site is that meeting the EN for SF can KILL you.

Be careful.

Why are you bringing this up, MEDC?

No one recommended for her to do SF with her H.

She hasn't even started the basics of PLAN A.

sl77,

Do not get the papers drawn up.

Stop for a minute and gather yourself.

It seems to me he is putting the onus on you so you are the bad guy.

I would read SAA, HNHN. I would see an attorney to protect myself, I would possibly go into plan B if he refuses NC.

I would not do the heavy lifting of filing for a separation or a D.

Leave that up to him if that is really what he wants.

In the meantime keep your head up and wait for the pros to swoop in and guide you through this.

I'm sure he wants me to be the bad guy. In MI it's not called legal separation,it's just called separation maintence. Basically it's just so he can't blow all our money on the OW, and any credit card debt he racks up after we sign is his responsibility. He's already got us way in over our heads with debt, and he just keeps adding to it. I've given him 7 months of plan A. Basically it was a false recovery. Got tested for STD's but I'm gonna do it again because of the false recovery period. I can't believe how easily I fell for his lies. I guess I just wanted so badly to believe he really was repentent. I'm trying not to rush into divorce, and letting God show me what He would have me do, but I gotta protect my finances for me and my kids.

PLAN A is YOUR PLAN. It's not about HIM as much as the changes in YOURSELF that you feel are necessary to be the BEST PERSON and WIFE that you can be. Your PLAN A changes should now be a major part of who you are now.

You're right about it not being about him. I did the best I could. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. Which is why I think I'm at a point where I feel I can move on without him. My faith has always been the most important to me, and I'll give God all the credit for getting me through. I don't think I'd do this separation if this A was a one time only deal. WH is one of those types who thinks he's God's gift to women and this is more of a character flaw then a mistake. After 13 years of lies and suspicious behavior, not to mention he's very passive/aggressive, I just have lost my desire to stay in this marriage.

OK.

What can we help you out with at MarriageBuilders?

It sounds like you don't feel like you love your H anymore and you don't want to recover your marriage.

So move forward with a divorce then.

Ay, ya, ai'....

Serve the separation papers: It will protect your finances.

Get the STD check and yep... no SF with the WS.

As for his berating you, you can learn how to reverse babble but first, I think you ought to read up on plans A & B.

Here's what I recommend reading:

SAA - Surviving an Affair (Harley)
Love must be tough (Dobson)

If you want more reading:
HNHN - His Needs/Her Needs (Harley).

There are other good books, those are the ones that helped me. Take the EN questionnaire as listed above.

Just because you think you've done a good plan A or B doesn't mean you have. After you have read those books, call Steve H for your sanity and support. You can do this via phone counseling. Read SAA and take the EN questionnaire 1st.

Secure your finances and notify your entire support group including your children.


Expose as much as you can. Don't expect him to like it and expect more abuse to happen. When it does, report it. You should have a women's abuse shelter or hotline in your area.

He accuses you of false stuff. Journal it. Date, time, incident or convo. This will come in handy.

Get a separate bank account as needed.

Don't assume.... he is a WS, he will be cruel, hateful and stupid but not dumb.... yes, there's a difference. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

I've been reading more about passive/aggressive people and narcissium. And now things make so much more sense. The things I've read describe the last 13 years of my life, and it doesn't paint a very hopeful picture. For the most part WH has been passive bescause I've been an enabler. Now that I'm not going to enable I'm a little worried he'll start being more aggressive. Is that something I should be worried about?