I am feeling quite sick tonite. Cant deal with anything anymore. All my prying go God to change and soften ex's heart and bring him back to me, for Him to help him resist temptation while we are apart, for him to give me strength and patience, and for Him to help me become the best mother and help me show my ex how much I love him and was willing to do whatever it took to have him back as my husband, all this for nothing.<P>He said alot of horrible things yesterday, as well as any other day, but yesterday was the worst. Told me of some nasty immoral things he did on the internet. Benn talking about it, but I just thought he was joking in order to agravate me. I am sooo upset and feel like such a fool. I really thought I knew my ex husb. and now I know I never knew him at all. He has changed for the worse since we parted, an uglier side of him I have yet to see. How could I feel something for him soo deep I cant explain, like I know inside we were meant to be together, then feel I dont know even who he is. I feel I cant trust my own judgement any longer, and feel no one out here on this earth can be honest.<P>He stuck a letter on my car at work today apologizing. Said all the things he told me was not true and that I was moving too fast for him and he was not ready to be back with me yet (yet he can screw me), (my words there). Figured it he told me he did something I did not like and couldnt deal with, I would get mad and move on without being hurt. Guess he still does not understand you get hurt when love them and they do wrong.<P>Said he still needs time to himself and that I deserve someone who can love me the right way, and it must not be him or else he would be doing that. I cant believe I am being dumped again. He also said if I had any love for him to still pray because he is facing a very tough road ahead of him. Last nite I told him I was going out to get him back. Said if I am going to be sleeping around like a ho, that I may as well be doing it with someone who can be nice to me and not angry and bitter. Needless to say I didnt. I stayed home and cried my self to sleep, and been crying off and on all day at work. Then the letter, so now I am boo hooing again. I dont want anyone else, and I dont know who my ex is anymore. I am totally lost. Am also getting anxiety pains, and I dont want my kids to keep seeing me this way but I cant control my crying. I also pick the hell out of my face when upset and strssed, then I get even more upset because my face ends torn up.<P>I wish I could just die. Like get cancer or something and then I would not get treatment. This way it would not be considered suicide and my kids would not feel I abandoned them. I thought God would eventually give me my hearts desire and bring my husb back to me, and now all my prayters have been just a waste of breath being my ex does not want me anymore. Someone take me the hell out of this cruel world please!

Oh, Blue... I am so sorry <P>Your children DO need you, and for that reason alone you MUST be there for them. Your X is very, very, VERY confused right now. <P>It sounds like you have two choices:<P>Wait for him to pull his head out and come to his senses<P>*OR*<P>Go on with your life - which is precious with or without him.<P>You can't really make a decision right this second because you are hurting too much. How about calling your doctor tomorrow and letting her (him) know that you are depressed and need a little something to get you over the hump?? Also, counseling would be wonderful if you can afford it or insurance covers. Both of those things would be very helpful for you as you make this monumental decision.<P>Blue, don't give up on your life or your children's because of your H. He may be the greatest guy on earth, aside from the infidelity, but sometimes marriages end despite the best intentions. Maybe this is the case in your life. If so, remember, you CAN do this...<P>Blessings and prayers being sent your way...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Bluestar, You sound so sad. I wish that there were something that i could say to take your pain away. No one deserves to hurt, but we hurt anyhow. you need to focus on something, anything that brings you the slightest bit of happiness. Focus on that during the times you are at your lowest. You will realize that you are needed and wanted by people around you. Your children need you. Focus on their love to get you by. Talk to people that can help.<BR>To thine own self be true. Think about your self while you heal. <BR>I will pray for you. Stay strong.<P>------------------<BR><BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<BR>