I have been married for 6 years. I have three step children. All three are from different mothers. My husband ran around with different women obviously a long time ago. When I met him he was perfectly narrow in our faith and so strong. I didn't judge him and have grown to love my step kids ages 12, 13, 16. We have a 4 year old son together and I am five months pregnant with our second. I have always been in love with my husband and when we get along it is great.

Three months after my 1st child was born, he had a one-night stand. He admitted it and was very sorry, would do anything for me to stay. I stayed. One year later, he had another affair that he admitted happened a couple of times. I stayed. We got counseling the first time it happenend for about four months. One year later after the second affair, he had a one-night stand that I found out about and he did not admit to it. We separated only for about 2 weeks but I decided to try again. We went to another counselor but only 3 times. Both counselors were okay at listening but in my opinion not good. We have seen our church bishop numerous times as well.

Now, two years later, he is now is a romantic relationship. He says that our biggest problem has been communication and his needs are not met in the bedroom. I was a virgin before I met him and not alot of experience. I have filed for divorce cause I had it. Deep down I still love him and have hope for him.

He moved out and told me last week that he would seek a counselor in our church for guidance and would come back to the house in September. He has a month to month contract with his landlord. Yet, he has not told me that he will stop completely with this other women. Yesterday he came over and we talked alittle bit and I actually gave him an emotional needs questionaire. He said he would fill it out. He left and I called him and talk to him on the phone and said that I just can't do it and willing to let him go if he is happy with someone else. He then invited me over to his apartment. I knew what for. Logically, I didn't want to but emotionally and physically I wanted to. He is still my husband and I love him. I went and we ended up intimate. He felt my stomach and asked about the baby and was affectionate. He kissed me goodbye as I left. He didn't tell me he loved me though.

I feel like I am in this competition with this women and I don't want that. I feel he is keeping me on the side lines in case things don't work out with this other women. Yet, he told me he doesn't want the divorce and doesn't want to lose his family. Why can't he stop!! His track record is so evident that he could do this again. He asked me to be patient and said that "good things comes to those that wait." I can't fix our problems alone. The longer he keeps this affair going the more resentful, angry and bitter I am. When I ask him about his feelings for this women he tries to downplay his relationship with her. He says that he is seeing her true colors and she pretty much is just satisfying him in the bedroom. I haven't stopped the divorce and still going through it. Deep down I don't want it either. I feel my husband needs professional help. His father was a serial cheater and never had a good example. He has alot of insecurity issues and is really messed up. He is a great father though. Sometimes I don't know why I would still give him another try. Then, I want this divorce because I am sick of the ups and downs and trying. Anyone had success story of recovering from having multiple affairs? I am very confused, should try or just move on. It is hard to say how much he is willing to try right now. There is no way I am letting him back in the house if she is still with him. Sadly, she is a co-worker and he pretty much sees her everyday at work.

What does your husband do for a living??

I ask...because it seems Dr. Harley believes recovery, though unlikely, is possible with serial cheaters ONLY if they realize they have a character issue and a significant problem and commit themselves to a life without ANY contact with women other than their spouse. Thus..basically..you two have to find a way to make a living together 24/7.

There are no "yes...but's" to this requirement.

It is NOT impossible.

It's do or not do.

Indefinitely

"Hope" alone won't get YOU anywhere.

IMO, Dr. Harley's plan is your husband's last hope...that he doesn't deserve but your kids/family do.

Mr. Wondering

Additionally,

You are aware it is very dangerous for you to be having sex with your husband right now while he is engaging in sex with others. STD's can kill. You've got a 4 year old AND a unborn fetus to consider here.

That being said (and not to minimize the risk you took to your health)...it WAS a good finish to your Plan A. I think you should be sending him a Plan B letter within the next few days. His lease is month to month...he's "talking" and sharing with you and missing you and the family. Good time to pull the rug on him.

I say the above...but at the same time...Plan B is about YOU and not his reaction. YOU need Plan B. Your husband is a serial cheater, living in an apartment, telling you he's using OW for sex and has a pending divorce filing against you. YOU need to start your recovery under the presumption that recovery is HIGHLY unlikely and MOST LIKELY very unwise for you. Getting to this understanding is a process...a process wherein you MUST detach from him. A process wherein you "dobsonesquely" open the cage door and release him to his life of misery.

NOW if Plan B works...he may TRY to come back but you need to get to the point in the process where you would only consider taking him back based upon his complete surrender/repentence. With a serial cheater there can be nothing less. Some of these conditions should be laid out in you Plan B letter...some you may/should/will discover or realize as you detach yourself in Plan B.

Then...whether HE choose to see if their is any "HOPE" for your marriage is no longer your concern as you are in the process of healing YOU while in Plan B. That way...either way...you are healing and/or preparing mentally for life's challenge's that await you and your children.

In the meantime...no more booty calls.

YOU MATTER and YOU will make it...him, I'm not so sure about...not sure at all.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice. My husband is the warehouse manager for a casino in New York. Luckily, he doesn't work directly in the casino, but there are lots of temptation around him. Yes, I am too that point that I should do Plan B and not have contact with him. I was vulnerable that night and should get tested again. I know I was stupid. He wants his cake and eat it too but I can't let him do so. I need to not contact him. The times I don't, he contacts me asking me what I am doing, etc. I don't know if this is his way of trying or what. Until he can tell me that this affair is over then I need to do Plan B. I will be amiable when it comes to our 4 yr. old son during drop offs or picks ups. Thanks.

Read up on Plan B before doing it

You must go completely dark.

All forms of contact must be completely shut off.

YOU need this so YOU can go through withdrawal from him and gain prospective over the situation...process and heal.

He WON'T be able to contact you, outside the unlikely event of an emergency regarding your son, in any way, shape or manner. Phone calls...you don't answer...they go to voice mail and someone else listens to it. Email and text are forwarded to an intermediary automatically and responded to by your intermediary exclusively. If possible...child exchanges are done through an intermediary as well. You do NOT have to see or speak to him and he can't make you. It's even likely that you will be excluding him from everything concerning your unborn child. He's proven himself nothing more than a sperm donor. He's NOT your friend and his current attitude, with a pregnant wife at home, I'm not even sure he's a human. Distance yourself from him because misery loves company and you don't need more misery right now OR ANY LONGER. Enough is enough.

YOU need peace. He needs to think and figure this out on his own. Hit rock bottom or not. It's of little concern to you in Plan B. Plan B is NOT a manipulation tool though it sometimes achieves the desired result. Plan B is about YOU recovering YOU.

Like I said...YOU matter. Your kids need YOU. It appears YOU are the only potentially stable parent they have and it would be irresponsible of YOU to allow this devastation of YOU to continue any further.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - so he's a warehouse manager. IF he comes to the conclusion he wants to save your marriage and at that time you are amicable to such...HE has to figure out how he and you can make a living TOGETHER. YOU don't have to figure this out, today or even later...leave this to him; however, KNOW that for it to work...EVER...he must somehow figure out how to earn a living working in an all male job or working with you. No more contact with any woman other than you is that imperitive to any hope for a successful recovery. HE must protect YOU and his family from his own demonstrated character flaw.

I was married to a serial adulterer for 25 years. He had 7 affairs (that I know of). Some were one night stands on business trips, one (he claims) was 'just' an emotional affair (with the wife of a friend), two were full-blown affairs that were absolutely devastating for me. I was pregnant during one of those.

He never made a real effort to repair the damage he did and failed to keep promises that he would improve. He got worse and worse! A counselor we were going to told me he is sociopathic. She said she couldn't help him and that there wasn't an effective treatment program that she knew of yet for people like him! Another counselor told me he was 'evil'! Both told me it would be best if his daughters had nothing to do with him!!!

Two out of three daughters were severely traumatized by his last adultery and the divorce. One daughter began cutting herself and the other ended up in the adult psychiatric ward for a couple of months.

Read the book: Men Who Can't Love
It describes the way these men think, the motive behind what they say and do. It also teaches you the warning signs so you don't get involved with a guy like this ever again. Pay special attention to how this type ends their relationships. I wish now that my X would have kindly and quickly dumped me a long time ago. Let him get the divorce ASAP! You will suffer far less in the long run.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder online.

"Dr. Harley believes recovery, though unlikely, is possible with serial cheaters ONLY if they realize they have a character issue and a significant problem and commit themselves to a life without ANY contact with women other than their spouse. Thus..basically..you two have to find a way to make a living together 24/7."

My WH actually suggested at one point during his last affair that he leave his lucrative career and that we start some home-based business together. But a couple of days later he was back with the OW again and never brought it up again.

I had already closed down my home-based business, put all my furniture in storage, and lived in an RV for years because he said that would help him behave - if we moved around with him for his computer consulting career. But when he ended up with a contract job that lastest several years, he did it again. And I have no way of knowing if he really was behaving when I was moving around with him anyway...

And he never showed appreciation that I had agreed to such extremes to try to save our marriage. Instead he acted pouty and felt 'trapped'...

There is a big difference between an otherwise normal man having an affair because he was vulnerable, careless, naive, whatever... and a serial adulterer that routinely commits adultery because they totally lack a sense of right and wrong. One is like a drug addict acting temporarily insane, the other is an insane person who can for a while pull of posing as sane.

He moved out almost 6 years ago, moved in and out a few times in the next few years, the divorce was final a couple of years ago... and to this day he feels no remorse. In fact he hates me and once told me he reminds himself to keep hating me. He has never taken any responsibility for anything he's said or done. EVERY hateful thing he said and did, every choice he made, he claims I 'drove him to'. But he has always held me 100% responsible for every word and deed of mine. He's like a temper-tantrum-throwing 2 year old BUT much bigger and scarier.

Get yourself into some really good Christian counseling and stay away from him. Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your children. You can't help him. The best you can do is minimize the amount of damage he does to you and your children.

BTW, have you ever met the mothers of his previous children? Were you told any details of his previous relationships? I personally think there should be a national registry women can check to find out about and avoid these guys! I sometimes regret working so hard to try to end his last affair. The OW would have gotten what she deserved and then some!

you are putting your life and the life of your unborn child at risk by sleeping with your H and all the ho's (and hence, all the ho's he has laid with).

there is no reason to remain with this man...that is, unless you want to be dealing with this over and over again. Your H has cheated more than you know...of that I am sure.

See, if he will agree to a polygraph exam (lie detector test) and a post nuptual agreement. I doubt he will. Bottom line, he needs to go...and you need to hire a bull dog lawyer to get everything you are entitled too.

Meremortal...it is not just women that need to avoid people like this...it is men too.... women are every bit as bad as men.