Overall in my eyes of course it has been a really low conflict marriage. Yet I am an adult child of alcoholics and did slip back into drinking myself through the years but never did it cause problems(not a passerout or anything)just liked to stay up playing music watching movies and have a few after the kids go to bed. The biggest problem that she has always complained about is my always wanting more and nothing she does is good-enough. She has been a depressed person her whole life from what her father tells me but to look back through all our video and pictures and memories we had it so good. 4th of July was major fireworks. Finally uncovered her lies and found out she had been having some kinda affair and it does seem it was strictly cell phone converstions and nothing more....but the amount of calls for 2 months was constant so I know this divorced man she was dumping on was not just "hi how ya doin' stuff like she maintains it was. Unfortunately the kids were in the middle of it and she had even confided to my 15 yearold step-daughter who I claim for my own since she was 3, claiming this was just a friend to talk to but of course she didnt say how often and at what hours they were speaking. Anyway, things have been really bad with her running to her dad with the kids for 2 weeks and taking 3 weeks off work. I spent 2 nights in the looney bin. At first she wanted to work it out as well as I but then I had a moment of weakness about the affair and it was too much for her and then she kept saying we were done. At first she wanted me to stay in my music studio and even move my stuff out but still do everything else as normal. I agreed at first but after 2 nights of my son crying to me about it I said enough. I basically have put the ball in her court and said we either work on it and see a counselor or we walk away and finally said the D word which shocked her and she immediately sat up and said no one has mentioned that and it seemed she doesnt want that either. She has always just swept everything under the rug. Oh and by the way I have been making so many changes to my life that I had been wanting to do for years. I had backslided with my spirituality and now I am doing for myself not just to get her back. She of course is furious about that I waited too long. But through the conversation she kept saying "fine set it up" about going to counseling but I would not accept that as an answer. I said she has to really want it and not make me feel she is just going because I have "brow-beaten" guilted her into it. I finally said okay when you are ready come to me and you set it up. She also has stated over and over in the beginning that she just wanted me to go away for awhile, she has bee really unstable...says she has nothing left for me and maybe even the kids. She lost her mom in her 20s and her first husband tragically as well. I feel she has never really dealt well with those events and we live in the same house where it all happened. The last couple of days have been pretty smooth. I am staying in our room and even stay on my side of the bed, but I know she is still not ready. She has bought an airmattress and sleeps in our sons room. She usually sits in a different spot at the dinner table away from me now as well except for last night which went really well. I keep thinking and hoping that she just really needs for everything to settle back down before she can figure out what she wants. During the big convo she would get mad and say stuff that would come across as "it doesn't matter what I want or need" "you always got to have it your way""you just want me to give in again" she acts like it is all just a game for me and she has really dug her heels in but I tell her it is not about winning at all. We have to do this for all of us....it is the best solution. I came from a broken home and the kids never do recover. Our kids have been so happy up until now. It is so hard having patience and waiting for her. I checked her phone again though and found she had asked advice 3 days ago when she was having a rough time from her old lawyer buddy if she should "lawyer up".....but she tells her family thats not what she wants in a round about way as well.....really confused.....do I just go along and keep making the homefront happy as can be.....do I stop my direct payments and open new account because she handles all the money since she works at the bank. Just seems like that would cause another tailspin. She just says to quit pushing and let her figure it out. Oh and it does really look as if this affair is over but so afraid he will go through her window again one day at the bank.....she says she will have someone else wait on him but sometimes she is the only one there. I just wish she would ask 2 questions of herself and I wish I could ask her to ask them but I am afraid to say anything else at this point to upset or rock the boat. "Does she wish she felt better about our relationship and does she wish she felt lovingly toward me again, because she has so much during our marriage" Just back in June we were really reconnecting again because she had finally gotten off her depression meds that seemed to be killin her and now I think she is back on everything and more. Sorry for the long story but I felt it was important to share all I could in hopes of getting good advice on what to do from here on out.

Welcome, DC, to MarriageBuilders...

You have come to just the right place, I believe, to save your marriage. Choose hope, don't try to find it...it's in you.

Here are my suggestions for getting the most out MB...

First, move your post to Infidelity: General Questions II forum...it gets the most traffic. You do this by cutting and pasting.

Second, when you paste, make paragraphs. I'm not bashing you for not having them...I often suggest this because I have old eyes, as do many of us regulars...and no paragraph breaks make it tough to read, hold my place, and to quote from in order to respond to you. A courtesy, not a criticism.

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Your story is very important...and like all the relationships in your life, you're half of this one, posting on MB. Kudos on your bravery and commitment. Big kudos, in fact.

We can only be half...and minding our own half is really difficult when we've been taught to believe marriage makes you one person...when it's two complete, whole people in one union.

Other great stuff you can do for yourself and your marriage...

Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley...purchase or borrow it from the library. Read it...and you'll see where hope resides in you and that you're not crazy. Not at all. You're human. So is your WW.

Read all the articles here on this website, beginning with Basic Concepts...read to soothe, still yourself, and know...learning takes the constant spin out of the mental loops you might be experiencing.

Those loops are understandable...as is your pain, frustration, fear and anger. Do not act on them...know and accept what you're feeling right now.

Don't forget "right now." You know feelings change...learn why they do.

As you read, you'll see the MB Plans A and B...Plan A comes first...involves exposure...like you believe this guy is divorced...how do you know? What about a GF? Find out, not through your WW, all about him...so you know who to expose to in his life...and list those who you will expose her A to in your family and hers. And at her work.

You'll get a lot more advice on GQII...so I'll stop here.

You are not alone. You are not powerless. Sure can feel like you are.

You're not.

LA