I busted my H by finding a pair of work shorts with "sex" stains on them. I sent the shorts off for comparative DNA sampling (differential lysis) and the results proved his theory (they were from me) was very much worng. The results proved the stains were not a match for my DNA. (They did find female cells which they compared to my saliva DNA). However, he denies it. He said he has no defences since the test proved otherwise, but states he has not and would never cheat.
What I want to know is how I can get him to unerstand yes, I am mad, it is a breech of trust and love, but if he would just fess up to what I already have solid concrete proof of and give me the respect and dignity to heal we may be able to move past this.
I do not want to split, I just want to be assured the OW knows he is married, have him initiate a no more contact in my presence, and attend martial counceling to understand why teh affair occured (I am a very sexual person so I know it is not from lack of intamacy, affection, or what not).
Any ideas???

I would try to check his work, and see if there is someone there by the name you suspect. Also install a keylogger, a GPS on his car, and a recorder in his car. Maybe you will find something.

I don't know why they lie, but they all do. It took me around 8 months to catch my ex - I had hotel bills while he was supposed to be at work, found a secret affair phone that I knew nothing about, and he still denied it. He even denied he was cheating to our attorney and counselor, family and friends. They all thought I had a screw loose.

I FINALLY caught he and the other woman IN BED together and he admitted the affair.

Ask him this:

WS, since the stains on your bvds show up as an OW and you claim you never had sex with an OW (don't have to be specific).... can you please provide a reasonable explanation as to how this got on your bvds? I mean, did someone borrow them? That w/b gross. Do you have a better answer? I am sooo confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

See don't try to explain it for him....let him. When you give the other (borrowing example), he w/b forced to come up with something closer to the truth, then you will get to decide if his story is believeable or not. If it isn't, babble more stuff down a notch (worse) and then have him fess up again. Takes time but it may work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

At the very least you can see him squirm and know if the WS is still in him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Yes! Find out who she is and EXPOSE THE AFFAIR! You have the HARD DNA evidence, you only need a NAME to go with it.

So, stop asking him and play it cool. Instead, have him followed, place a GPS on his car, check his cell phone bill and get the goods.

DON'T ASK, TELL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Melody lane:

I dont seem to know how to find out her name. A while back he commented and argued with me about me searching on him when I said I talked to my cousin shannon who lives in N.C. I have a feeling the name apparently means something, so I am assuming her name is shannon. I just want it out in the open so I can get him to place a no contact issue in order by calling her in my persence and sending her a text message.
I wish I could find it out.

As for GPS, he uses a work truck at work. He does not drive this truck home, making it inaccessible for me. I have afeeling he is probably using his work phone for contact, althouth when he is home he has both phones turned off- this is a major red flag for me since he used to have them on at all times. He has given me permission to check his phones, which makes me curious as to how I would find out the number, he has to be erasing them. There is no way I can access his work phone account. I am at loss.

I know I cannot move on until he just says "yes, I did it, it was wrong." He did tell me "this situation" was a wake up call for him -although he did not cheat. He also said he "wouldnt cheat because the feeling you have right now is the same feeling a person who cheats has- they feel bad. they feel guilty. I do not want to feel guilty which is why I do not cheat on you." He also said he is afraid since I think he cheated due to the dna test that I will get revenge. I reassured him that is farthest from the truth, I am not that type of person.
To sum up, I believe he feels guilty, knows it was wrong, and is afraid to tell me out of fear I will seek revenge. However, I need to get the point across I need closure- I need to know. His fear is my reality and I deserve the respect and acknowledegment.

I am at loss right now. I would do anything juat to have him tell me what I NEED to know. I dont want the filthy details- I just want to know who, how, when, and why- like I said I am very sexual person, I am open to his needs and fullfill those needs. I am very affectionate, I take care of the domestic stuff, I am a good wife and mother from anyone's standars and interactions with me. What could he gain from the affair that I do not provide? Plus I am sexy, if I do say so myself. I am not the most beautiful person in the world, but I know I look good- after three kids.

The mind of a WS is bewildering. No rationality to it I guess.

Also, I have already told almost all family memebrs about the test. They were all in shock- "Yall seemed so happy! Like the perfect marriage!" I know when it comes down to the nitty gritty they will back him, but atleast they know the truth. Exposing the affair although I do not know who the OW is.
His sister did tell me he had come over there after I told him the results. He looked upset so she aksed him what was wrong. He told he "I got busted doing something I had no business doing." When I asked him about it he said he was drunk (which he did not come home drunk, hmmmm.) and she aparently did not understand. He babled some lame excuse about telling her I was testing him and I thought he was out doing something he had no business doing. Ironically, she had also told me she did not know what he was talking about UNTIL AFTER she had asked another person about it. They told her about the shorts. I asked him about that and he muttered the same lame excuse, started getting angry.

When he gets angry and I get angry over the situation how can I express my anger without LBing? I want him to understand what has occured has hurt me but I feel if I just start getting angry and showing my anger I will only make what has occured worse plus not get a confession.

Well, this may be hard. You definitely have the solid proof. But he is going to continue to lie, thinking that if he doesn't admit it, you won't know for sure. Hmmmm.

I think I would just calmly let him know that you are certain that he cheated, the DNA test proved it, and for him not to expect the marriage to be recovered until you have the details. Leave it at that, and continue being a good wife. I would also get an STD test and insist he get one too, and until then, no more sex.

BNB,

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

You don’t have to convince him that he did this.

You both know that already.

You could humor him for years listening to how he is going to explain an OW’s DNA in his pants. I’m sure they will all be quite creative, but there will always be the void of truth in your life.

I would concentrate more on enforcing your own boundaries.

You’ve said that you need him to admit this and that you need to know who the other woman is, or nearly as much.

You’ve got rock solid proof that is as near to having motion picture footage as you can get already.

What are you really saying that you need to heal and move on and MB?

If this information and dialogue is essential to your successful participation in a future marriage then, IMO, you should consider making it a boundary. Period. Any MB’r would consider your need for information essential for a positive future.

If he gets away with this now, he will try again.

There are tons of available means listed in these forums for you to continue to serveil for contact, use them ALL if necessary.

In the meantime I would make him submitting to a lie detector test a condition of future participation in the marriage.

I think these are some of the toughest situations to deal with because plan A’ing him could be difficult with the notion that you may never really know anything at all in the future that you don’t know now.

You have the RIGHT to know everything.

Right now as victim that is not effectively standing up for herself, you have no rights.

I wish you the best.

What he is doing now is WS 101.

He is trying to confuse you and maintain the upper hand of knowledge and subsequently POWER in your relationship.

Almost every WS does this. It is essential to maintaining the cover of darkness.

Bring forth the LIGHT.

If you haven’t already, unilaterally expose to all significant parties in his life.

I’m sure his employer would love to know that he has been using company resources to conduct his affair.