Also,

Do not let her see OM. Cut off her cell phone, turn off the internet, and cut up all joint credit cards if you have to. Since she is only 1/5 of the family, open up a new bank account and move 80% of the funds. Do not enable her. Keeping quiet and allowing her to walk all over you is just enabling her.

tlc,

This is my opinion of your situation. Many years ago the relationship your wife had with OM was broken off by the OM. It is obvious that this was a big hit to your wifes ego at the time. Her rekindled relation ship with OM can right the wrong that happened to her so many years ago. It is my experience that many people want what they think they cant have. This is simply one of her cant haves. She is not aware that this is what is driving her and you wont be able to convince her of the fact. This is about her it has nothing to do with you. I think I saw in a post further down the thread that you have children. This puts you in the position of having a much stronger link to your wife than OM and your wife will eventually see that. All of her systems are on overload trying to rationalize what she is doing. That is why she appears so confused, she is. Listen to the experts here. You will get great advise. Good luck.

Post deleted by 22devastated

Update: She is back! She decided to do what she herself knows is the right thing and is consistent with her faith, her values and her commitment. She wants to be true to herself and what she knows is right. She is willing to do counselling and go no contact. We are seeing a MC at 4:00 pm today.

She had been trying to tell the OM this but his emotional pleas and meltdowns confuse her and make her change her mind. This OM is 1) causing her emotional pain and confusion and asking her to compromise her values and be someone she does not want to be (a homewrecker).

Our problem right now is enforcing the no contact. She had the kids watch her delete all the old emails and remove his phone numbers from her cell. She WILL be getting a more appropriate accountability partner than our kids. Our counsellor and our kids are going to make her write a clear, blunt "Do not contact me. We are done" letter. A restraining order is not out of the question from there.

Exposure: my kids know, her family knows, the one member of his family I could contact knows. His wife is out of town or she would know too.

Need so many prayers. This is hard but is going to be worse before it gets better.

sorry for your pain ... i think the more you read about exposure here ... look at the article websites ... the more you will realize the necessity ...

edit from your update: read up on withdrawal ... it is rocky road but definately doable ... also don't think she is immune from seeing him again just due to her faith ... i hope that does indeed strengthen her, but no guarantees as people have free will

I feel your pain tlc, I'm going thru the very same situation right now....I was told by one of my wife's friends that the OM was the "love of her life". And, that she "settled for second" when she married me. How insulting is that?!!

God bless you and watch over you!! during this difficult time.

BTW, don't be afraid to see your doctor for anti-depressants if you need them.

It will be real important that you tell his wife, tlc. She must know about the affair. Having 2 people watching on each end will decrease the risk of a resumption.

Dr. Harley suggests that the WS write a letter ending all contact with the OM. You should approve and it should be mailed by you to both the OM and his wife. A good sample letter is Surviving an Affair:

Dr. Harleys (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Here is what it will take for your marriage to recover from this affair:

Rules of Protection: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

great job on exposure.

You still have to make certain his wife knows when she gets back in town.

It may SEEM like you are winning this...but be careful...very careful.

Withdrawal is a *itch.

What happens around here often is the WS tries to go NC but can't. When they inevitable break NC the endorphins kick in to such an extreme that they THINK that their destiny is to be with OM. They mistake the longing and pain of withdrawal and the thrill/relief of resumed contact for something more than what it is and they jump back into the affair hook, line and sinker. The "soulmate" (or as I call it the "assoulmate") delusion really kicks in on resumed contact.

Read up on withdrawal...you've really got to be supportive and watchful here. She MAY be well intentioned but she's an addict that just set the crackpipe down yesterday. She needs support...YOUR support and watchful eye to get through this. I KNOW it's painful supporting a WS get over their illicit adulterous affair but you must. It will take her time...much time to process that it wasn't love and that she didn't just give up her soulmate. It's hurtful to you but please have patience.

I suggest buying the audio book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley (available on this site). It's better to listen to it together and discuss than to read it separately. Another idea is try to schedule alone time with your wife...like maybe a road trip...just the two of you to get away. Reality of home...and 3 kids is overwhelming to the WS during early recovery plus it gets her away where you can be with her and watch her 24/7 while you Plan A her.

Don't get overconfidant.

If you need a draft NC letter just ask...they are available on this website and someone will cut and paste an appropriate one. (edited - I see Melody Lane's got this covered)

Mr. Wondering

MrW has it exactly right. Please be prepared for a resumption. I am not saying this to scare you, but just so you will prepared if it happens, as if often does. Just as MrW said, it is just like a crack head who just gave up the dope yesterday. Be prepared.

Now would be a good time for a vacation. Keep her occupied during withdrawal.

Notice how stong the pull of a good quick exposure can be?

Keeping the affair quiet is the absolute worst advice one can receive.

I really wish some of the new people who resist and hesitate to expose could have been as quick as you were.

Another update:

EXPOSURE: OM's wife knows too. He told her. He is getting help. Not sure if his wife will be willing to get help.

MC yesterday was hard but good. She will keep going to MC.

I saw a Dr several days ago. He gave me something that has really helped me maintain composure, think more clearly and relax at night to sleep.

Next steps:
- write the No Contact letter. She is ready now to do this and do it together.
- more MC, ups/downs, hard times, personal change
- read up on "withdrawl"

I have to say that this experience has also been a lesson on the power of prayer. There have been literally 100's of people praying for us during this time. I and my kids have honestly felt the presence of God holding us through this excruciatingly painful time.

This is wonderful news, a lot of work ahead, but great beginning. Prayer is a force to be reckoned with for the enemy.

It would be great if we had an appointed hour of prayer
here on the site, and those who need prayer for certain issues could request it.

We could all pray quietly at home at the same hour, we
would be one heart and one voice praying for each other.
It would be awesome!!

We have wonderful, bible scholars and spiritual leaders on this site, perhaps one of them could start it up??

Did you get this news from the OMW's VERY LIPS? Because if you didn't, it is probably A LIE. If this news came from OM, a known liar and cheater, via your wife, it is unlikely to be true. A wayward is not likely to bust himself unless forced.

If he did tell her anything, it is likely a very SPUN VERSION.

Please call her up YOURSELF WITHOUT WARNING and review the facts with her. Make an alliance with her so you can keep tabs and watch from both ends.

It is really, really important that she know the truth, and you cannot leave that mission to a known liar and cheater whose best interest is served by LYING to his wife.

Verify everything, tlc! TALK IS MEANINGLESS COMING FROM A WAYWARD!

I can honestly say I can feel your pain. It's the worst.What your going through right now you don't really have control of.Your wife is in her own little world right now and your not part of it.All you can do is sit back and listen to her and let her know your there even if all of a sudden to her you don't matter anymore.You still love her? But my friend you will never be the same with her.All this pain your feeling you will never forget.Unfortunatly you have to make a new world for you eventhough that's not what you want right now.You have to take care of yourself all your worring isn't going to change her but it may make you sick.I'm sorry to be so abrupt and don't mean to sound so insensitive.I just know what your going through and the hurt....sorry

ummm Pepper?
Thats August of TWO YEARS AGO....not 4 months...but 2 years and 4 months.

weird...???

Yeah, my goof.

makes one

****edit****

Yes, you must start massive exposure to end the affair. Even if you decide you do not want to reconcile, you want this guy out of your kids' lives.

I was determined to bust up the relationship despite being fairly certain that I was a one strike and your out guy.

I was amazed at how effective exposure was and how pissed off my XW was about it.