Hi everyone-- I'm back. Well, it's been a long time--almost 2 years since I discovered my husband's been lying and sneaking around for pretty much our entire marriage to varying degrees. Still haven't discovered any evidence of a PA, but it's still questionnable. The fact is he lied and he was sneaky FOREVER. Anyway, he's been attached to my hip since D-day, eagerly trying to make everything OK. I think he's sincerely committed to avoiding EA's, and internet affairs for now, but I don't know how committed he is to just being honest and open with me always. He's still very P-A and doesn't communicate at all about anything other than superficial things. I just don't know if there's anything left to this marriage now that trust is gone. Things weren't great to begin with and I thought that our mutual trust and respect would get us through, but now I don't trust him at all. I just don't feel any better about things, depite his best efforts, and it's been almost 2 years. How long do you go on waiting for your feelings to change?? How long should it take before we turn a corner here?? I would rather be alone at this point than "trying" to live with someone who I don't trust or respect. It's not fair to either of us...I'm getting very frustrated. ANY ADVICE????

I hear you loud and clear, but why did you have another child with this man in the past two years? Just curious?

I thought the marriage was salvageable. i found out about the A's when I was 8 mos pregnant with Molly (baby). I never thought about leaving him before that. Plus, he makes beautiful babies...At least he was good for something...

So what are your personal and M boundaries? What is he willing t/d to help you get closure and recover?

Are u 2 meeting with Steve or an MC familiar with MB principals?

L.

Is he meeting your emotional needs? Being an open book and accounting for his time, sharing his passwords?

Orchid- not sure what you mean about boundaries. I have all kinds of boundaries now b/c I don't trust him. I used to be an open book...probably blabbed TOO much. He has always been EXTREMELY guarded. He fears any anger or heated conversation and he's very P-A. He won't confront or open up. I've never known what he wants or feels. He just parrots what I say then secretly sulks...and does other things, obviously.

believer- we did the EN's questionnaire in the beginning and I learned a few things about him, but he was still guarded and afraid about being caught...would have said anything I wanted to hear. I don't think we ever met or even considered eachother's EN's. Actually no- I did consider his needs in the beginning, but got so tired of being ignored and AVOIDED that I gave up, and figured we were both just coasting along in a mediocre marriage.

Boundaries: Personal and Marital

These are actions and subjects that you will not tolerate.

Initially I had a loooong list. 2 long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ended up that there was only one A related boundary I needed. I needed NOT to have any OW in MY LIFE. This meant if H wanted t/b a WS, he also would have to go. That boundary by itself was quite encompensing (sp??).

So you will have to find what 1 or 2 things are NOT tolerated in your life. Then stick to it.

As for the trust issue, I made that a requirement for him t/b allowed back into our family. The agreement is that he needed to open up more to me and he needed to earn the trust of myself and our son again. Remember he taught us via his A how to move forward w/o him. He needed us more than we needed him.

My part was to do less to get more. Allow him to talk w/o talking over him. I had to learn patience and exercise it.

Still a work in process for us but we are both working on it.

The A is a selfish virus. I showed him it was a trait he could chose to keep or get rid of. His stay with out family depended on him NOT being selfish. Any selfish trends are to be brought to his attention. I work under the same rules.

Hope this helps.
L.

Orchid. My boundary is and always has been dishonesty. I don't accept it from anyone. I can't live with it. The A's- I think I will be over long before the fact that he lied to my face and through omission sooooo many times throughout our marriage. I can't tolerate dishonesty and it is and always has been a way of life for him. He grew up with the theory "look good, what they dont know won't hurt them. He's got 36 years of this way of thinking to reverse, and I don't think he can. Honesty is not on the top of his list of important traits, and I seriously doubt it ever will be.

You say one of your boundaries is dishonesty. While I agree that's a good one, how has that boundary been implemented?

L.

I guess I've implemented it by defining what I consider dishonesty. I've defined it verbally, I've printed many articles and policies from this site related to honesty, I've talked til I'm blue in the face. He always agrees. But, if we're not communicating any better now than we were before, how could he be doing radical honesty?

He never tells me about his day, he's always nervous when I show up at work...no doubt b/c of the female friends he's failed to inform me of. I always meet someone new at his work who seems to know my kids and know everything about me and our family, yet I've never heard their name mentioned. Only the females, ofcourse. His male colleagues names I've heard.

This feels like dishonesty to me. But, he always says "well, I'm not innapropriate anymore...I'm not doing anything" As if I'm accusing him of somesthing. I simply think if we're doing radical honesty, I should know about women and men he hangs out with at work. Is that totally overboard??? I have always talked to him about my colleagues and friends at work...even the borderline innapropriate ones. H is the 1st person I tell about things like that. I'm always the last to know with his female friends.