Hi, I am new to MB. I am needing some advise/help. 4 months ago I had an affair with an old friend (so I thought). It ended up that he used me. It started off with approx 1 1/2 weeks of phone calls and then I met him and had S. The next morning I was confronted by my husband because he got the phone number out of my phone. I did have all intentions of cutting off the affair that morning but I don't know what happened, later that evening I started calling him again for another 2 weeks, against my husband's wishes. I lied about what happened that day and it took approx 2 months before I finally told the truth about what happened. My husband is a great guy. I know that it has hurt him tremendously. I later found out that he also has had some affairs. He moved out today because he said that he needs some time. He also says that he does not know how he can live with me even though he loves me. We have 2 great children and I know that it is bothering them. I also understand that this is my fault. Is their someone out there that can help me or give me some advise on what to do. I do not want to loose my husband because I love this man with all my heart. HELP!!

Hi needhelp ~ it's slow here on weekends, but you will get help.

Have you read the concepts on the site, or any of the Harley's books?

Multiple affairs, unresolved from the past and a current "revenge" affair?

You should call the Harley's for some personal and marriage counseling to get through this. As BR said above, get the books and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" before you make the call.

You have some major hurdles to clear, and should have professional help in doing so. That said, these forums can be immensely helpful and supportive, and I'd suggest you continue posting too!

Best wishes,
SD

NH2,

Thank you for asking for help. I ask of you, in return, to give the answers to other people's posts...what you've been reading, if you both are currently in MC, and if you have continued IC for your PTSD...

Thank you for moving your post to this forum.

Have you ceased all contact with OM? Did you inform his BW, if he's married, or GF? Did you write a NC letter to OM? I read in one of your posts you truly are re-committed to your marriage. Here is a link to a book online which helped me a lot: For WS to earn their F

Your BH has moved out, correct? When was that and where is he living now?

I know this is really tough...had you had affairs prior to this one? Finding out your BH was also WH must hurt a lot, as well. Explains quite a bit, though, doesn't it, now?

What books did you read as part of your IC therapy to recover from childhood abuse? Any of John Bradshaw's books?

Do you know why you chose to have an A?

After reading Harley's articles here on this website, have you identified your own ENs, your BH's ENs? Each others' LBs?

What I experienced on this journey was not only recovering personally and maritally, recovering from my whole life...finding my own power and limits. Living a whole new way I hadn't even imagined.

I hope you will have this same experience.

LA

LA,

Thank you for your help. I am grateful for any.

Yes I have ceased ALL contact with OM. As far as I knew for sure, as the time, he did not have a GF or W. He said he was D.

As far as BH, he moved out on Sat, August 11th. He moved into a house that we just closed on for a rental, just across town. I have NEVER had an A before and never even thought about one either. As a matter of fact I used to criticize people who had them, now I am criticizing myself. Yes , it hurt when I found out about my WH's A. But I did not know until after mine came out. This was not a revenge A.

You asked why did I have the affair, well I was feeling very EN shorted. As I said in my post my BH to me had changed in the past two years. He used to swoon over me and I felt like he was my protector from my past. I had a lot of emotional problems associated with the PTSD that I had not gotten help with before and problems with my mother who I associate with my past. I am not using this as an excuse, I take responsibility for what I did. Those were just my feelings at that time. This OM found out about some of this and because we knew each other 20yr ago, I know now that he used this to get to me and to use me. I see that know but not at the time. I was very messed up and emotionally distraught.

I do not know the names of the book and workbooks that we are using in therapy for the PTSD, but they are helping. They are helping me with a lot of things.

Yes I have read a lot of the things on this web site. I do see where both, BH and myself, have neglected each others EN and where the LB's came in. I am and intend to continue to deposit into the Love Bank.

Thank you
NH2