Could someone help me? I have been so numb now from everything. Could you give me your definition of "remorse", and what it looks like or should feel like?
Thanks,
Rock

True repentance manifest in words and actions. You don't have to guess. You know.

L.

I like the action part. I ended up with all kinds of remorse, a new (at the time) '05 Tahoe Z-71, a new ATV, and the dues for the hunting club, that until discovery, we could never afford, without an arguement.

O.k., thanks. I guess I'm not feeling it.

Hi RS.....

I asked the same question about a month ago and I got some really good replies.

Here's the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3282431

I hope it helps.

Thanks mopey. Everything is just so messed up right now.
Thanks!

Thanks for the link. I'm sorry that I rehashed this question without checking the archives. I do shve something more to the question, though. Is there a sort of timeline for remorse? Does remorse hit the WS right away or does it slowly creep in?
I still feel devestated and my FWWs way to deal with it all is to just never talk about it. If I ever bring it up she just gets angry and tells me that I am attacking her.
So because she doesn't want to talk about it, I will take a little jab now and then. It is a vicious cycle. One minute she will tell me that she loves me, then the next minute she is telling me that we should call it quits.
I am always looking for any kind of signs of remorse. I don't know if you are aware of my story or not, but she is still working with OM1 and always defended herself to the folks here about not being able to get another job. Well, recently, she had an interview for a different job, but she is not sure if she would really like it.
I am looking for her to step up and tell me that she will take this other job for me and that she wants to do whatever it takes to prove that she is committed to our marriage.
I never get anything like that.

I suspect as a FWW myself that your W is in the stage of what I tend to think of as 'secondary-entitlement'

(a)More sorry you found out than remorse as such
(b)That I just don't want to think about what I did so lets not discuss it
And (c) that I'm over it so why don't you just get over it too.

Part of remorse is also facing consequences which to date she has mostly avoided and a lot of this is likely due to being in the same workplace as the OM, this wouldn't help things to move on.

Are you getting MC at all? thought of the Harley's????

Hi RS,



For me, it came very slowly. It took me a while to make our M a "safe" place for Mrs. RIF... up until I realized this, I would bombard her with questions, I would pout, I would stomp my feet and lay down on the floor and start screaming... (I wouldn't really do that, but I sure felt like it!)

Once I started respecting her as my W, and not seeing her as some monster that had 'destroyed' my life, she slowly started to learn to trust that she would be safe in answering my questions... that in turn helped me process my pain and start rebuilding.

Here are some 'signs' that let me know that Mrs. RIF was remorsefull:

* Mrs. RIF came up to me one day and said "I remembered the answer to on of your questions and I'm ready to tell you..."
* She stopped being defensive when I would tell her that I had a trigger that bothered me.
* She wouldn't get that "glazed over" look in her eyes when I would mention the word affair or adultery.
* She would squeeze my hand and hug me if we were watching a movie and a scene involving adultery came up.
* She started telling me that she loved me.
* She started telling me that she was proud of me.
* She thanked me for "putting up" with her.

I honestly don't believe that we would have ever gotten to this point if I hadn't been willing to put my own "feelings" aside and try to love her unconditionally.

Mrs. RIF needed to know that my love was unconditional before she could trust her own heart to even begin to ask for my forgiveness... This is a hard step to take, and it's a lot to ask of a BH or BW, but IMHO, it's a critical step in the rebuilding process.

I personally know how frustrating it is to give and give and give and get absolutely NOTHING in return. It hurts deeply and it seems like it will never end. If you are both committed to the M, and willing to work through the issues, then for now, just recognize that YOU are the one that is going to have to carry you both along the rebuilding path for a while... eventually, your W will join you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks for the response. It helps hearing things from FWWs.
My FWW definately falls under (b) on your list. At least I think so. It is just amazing how she just wants to avoid all discussion about her affairs (3).
As far as consequences go, she really hasn't had any. Just knowing that she broke my heart, if that even matters to her. She is starting IC this week and as far as MC goes, that may be a possibility too.
Thank you so much for your post.

Thanks RIF. You said that once you started respecting her as your wife. Wasn't that hard under the circumstances? Wouldn't you respect her more after SHE started to help the recovery? RIght now it id hard to respect her. I love her, there is no doubt about that. Do you mean that I just love her unconditionally right now and eventually she might come around and help me?
I think a key thing you said was that we both need to be committed to the M. Right now. I'm not sure if she is.
Thank you for listing your "signs" of mrs rif's remorse.
I hope and pray that someday mrsrock will show me the same.
Thanks again RIF.