Just thought I'd check in to THIS board.

I'm a longtime MB member. My H had a child from an affair in 1998. We had counseling and were doing well it seemed. But then he had 4 deployments in the last 5 years, and 3 weeks ago walked out while the kids and I were visiting family. He's cheating again, drinking heavily, wants divorce. There's no going back this time.

It's a sad and shocking way to end 20 years of marriage. I'm concerned he might even become violent, though he hasn't made any threats.

I'm not sure why I'm posting, except that I'm trying to accept my new reality and it's kinda lonely. Any good divorce resources out there?

J

Hi Jenny,

I've also been around for awhile, but now just drop in from time to time as my D was final in the fall of 2006.

My now XH and I also had two go-rounds before it was finally over. Sometimes I wonder how often a second chance really works?

I don't have lots of advice for you, other than get a good lawyer sooner rather than later - if I'd done that instead of falling for the idea that we could do it ourselves, it would have been over lots sooner and lots cheaper.

As far as lonely, find yourself some girlfriends that you have things in common with and go from there. For me, I've lived alone now for almost 3 years, and am really content being alone. It is still lonely sometimes, but it beats the alternative. Or at least the alternative I used to have.

Good luck!

Hi...just wanted to send you some support. You will be ok. I think, in the end you will find peace of mind ...the most wonderful state of being.

I just got off the phone with my parents. My Dad boasts about the fact they are still married. Yes, they've been married 55 years, but I hate their marriage. My Dad was calling my mother an a**hole, he was having a tantrum because we weren't using his credit card frequent flyer miles...he doesn't care that the miles are with an airline that doesn't go where we need to go!! I have seen them be incredibly nasty to each other and as they age it gets more and more disturbing. Drinking has contributed to the unhappiness.

I just mention them, because, well, I know I'd rather be alone than be in a toxic marriage. My STBXH was (?is) an angry man. He abuses alcohol and is a very pessimistic person. Strangely, I miss him and our marriage, but I also love not getting dragged into the darkness. I deserve peace and happiness.

In the end, you will find your way to a much better place. I wish it wasn't the fact that some people are just too angry, dark, or disturbed to be in a relationship.

You will have a bright future...don't let your divorce define your life.

This can be a great divorce source for support. I think "DIvorceSource.com" has resources like lawyers and how-to information.

Do get the good lawyer immediately. Don't go cheap here, you can't afford to. I know Newly swears by "Rainbows" for the children, and I think her group was called DivorceCare. The adult groups can vary depending on the group dynamics, so if you don't like one, try another.

Here's the little secret about divorce--it's freeing. For the first time in years, you'll be able to do exactly what you want, within reason.

Also, if your husband has spent most of the last 5 years deployed, you're already used to doing everything on your own. So, you won't have that adjustment.

At first, I was a little lonely too. However, it wasn't as agonizing as the loneliness I had when I was married to someone who didn't respect or even like me.

One strategy I worked out was to plan to do stuff with my sister or girlfriends when I didn't have the children. I also signed up for a dog obedience class and developed some routines to see me through the times when I didn't have the kids.

I'm so sorry it didn't work out in the end.

Hopeful, my in-laws have been married for, Gosh, close to seventy years now. And their marriage scared me. There was no drinking but lots of built up resentment and anger. As they got older, they had to depend on each other more, and rather than lessening their frustration and resentment, it grew.

So, I hear you on that one.

You are already stronger than you know, particularly living through an OC and many deployments.

Seek out a separated/divorce support group in your area. In addition to emotional support, and the company of others in your sitch, people there can offer advice on lawyers and the legal system in your area.

There are also many great books on the topic. I'm assuming your have kids. If so, please get Mom's House/Dad's house to help you manage the process in planning for your children's sake.

Good luck to you and know you are not alone.

I emailed you...I cannot believe how much our stories are alike!!!
If you ever need to talk to someone who actually knows what you are going through down to the deployments/OC/and recently separated - divorce in progress...yeah...that much alike...email me!

Hi Jenny,
Just wanted to stop by on this thread from my thread
Thanks you so much for your words ...



We should not be ashamed of everything right ... we did everything possible to save our marriages ...
I divorced xH when I knew about the A before knowing about OC ... by the time he finally told me about OC, he was already talking about coming back.

What's wrong with them? Is it that we gave too many chances persuing something that at the end was not real?
I knew he would cheat on me again, with OW or with a new one ... it was just a matter of time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
but I do have in my mind and heart that I don't have any more's 'what if's - kwim? ... it still hurt like ****** and that's what I was not prepared for ... the pain ... this horrible pain again ...

{{{Hugs}}}
Mily

Thanks Mily.

I know in my case, it was not the Other Child's mother he hooked up with, but a new one. My H is a serial adulterer and very self-centered. His actions have been self-serving, and the things he said in the past were just that... words he knew I wanted to hear, no reflection of reality.

Unfortunately I wanted to believe his words. Now I know better. I hope the court can see through him too.

J

I haven't been here in a few months; maybe over a year. My relationship is over, in the past six months my children's father has come home and terrorized the chidlren and I, drunk. This last time, he wouldn't stop yellling at us, had us all up in the hallway....I was just thinking of what to do...I wanted to shoot him in the head for a minute, so am I sick? He is gone, left home yesterday and I haven't heard back from him, didn't go to work, who knows where he is. I am looking for a home, someplace with my three small children and I, and seeing if I can maybe buy. But will probably move out this weekend. I am devastated. My entire future, or what I thought, is gone. My purpose has been my family, my children,my home, my relationship, my future generations, our culture, and the rest were details, like my job, my friends, etc. I am just so devestated, and no that time will heal my heart. Very very hard times are ahead of me, moving our things out, it will be hard.

((((((JLM)))))))

I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm glad you wrote. Write me any time.

Do you realize you could get help at any battered women's shelter? Even if you do not want their shelter, they have other programs to help women in your shoes. I found them helpful and my H never hit us... but he has other characteristics in common with abusers. See what programs they have, and get a restraining order on him if you can.

I hope things improve for you and your kids. I know you are hurting, as am I.
J