I posted that my husband is a serial cheater. He had four affairs in our six year marriage. Three of them were flings or one-nighters. Now he is in a romantic relationship with a co-work at work. He moved out and going on his second month at his apartment. I filed for divorce.

Honestly, I still love him and after reading up on this website, there is so much that we can do to repair our marriage. We have not met each other emotional needs and have done alot of love busters. When we get along, things are great. A week and a half ago, he said that he would see someone from our church to talk to in two weeks and August would be the last month at his apartment and would come back home. He has not told me out right that he will end this relationsip. Either he is keeping it going for the month and then will end it when he promised me he would come back home.

The other day I saw her walking with another man and I told him about it. She has a very bad reputation as well as being with lots of men. After I told him about it, he said that she told him she was seeing a "guy friend" and he knew about it. He started to talk bad about her saying how immature she was and he was sick of the drama and knows there is no long term relationship with her. I said then "stop". He said "how do you know that I haven't been trying to break things off with her to try to work on us." I then told him that he would of told me if he broke things off with her and would really try then with me. I have been trying to be nice and doing plan A. I have stated my feelings for him and wanting to reconcile. I have gotten to the point where I am just so weary that I told him if I can't make him happy then he should just be with her. He said that he doesn't love her. But does not tell me he loves me at all. He has told me that he doesn't want the divorce cause he doesn't want to lose his family.

I am five months pregnant, and we have a four year old. I texted him today to invite him over to dinner. No reply. That usually means that he is with her. I texted him again presumming he wasn't coming over and just asked him that if he is done with us to just tell me for my own sanity. No reply back. Obviously, he has not ended the affair. I said he if can stop, I would hold off on the divorce. I said that I just want him to be happy and if it is not me then so be it. I just want to move on and try to get over him if he really has no desire to reconcile.

I am literally going insane trying to figure this out. I don't really know if he will come back at the end of the month to the house. He said he promised me but can't believe anything he says now. He said he still wants to sit down in good faith and discuss the divorce and come to an agreement just in case we don't work out. I am fine with that but part of me doesn't even want to talk about that because then it becomes more final and we will just fight. I feel I must continue with the divorce proceedings though until he has fully committed himself to me and our marriage.

Some days I don't even know why I want to try to work on our marriage. He has cheated on me numerous times but then I feel we have never really solved our problems. I needs personal counseling himself for his issues. I admit that I bring the past up alot and made him feel worthless but still no excuse for what he did. Should I just stop and have no contact with him at all. It seems it is really up to him now. I have shared my feelings openly with him. Each time I invited to do something with me, I get shot down and it hurts all over again. Last week he asked me to do something with him but we didn't even spend time together cause it was at a party and we just socialized with other people. I want to met his needs but he is not at that point of meeting my needs and this other women is still around. Any advice? Thanks so much!!!

Suzanne--

I feel for your frustration and sadness.

I will give you my understanding of Plan A -- it's reserved for the repentant/former Wayward Spouse. Your husband does not sound like a repentant or former Wayward Spouse.

As I understand it, Plan A is not intended to "end" an affair. There are other tools, such as exposure, to end affairs.

You sound as if you're at the tipping point of Plan A. The Marriage Builders' concept of Plan A is not a never-ending, endure-all approach. It has a limit. I think the "recommendation" is about 6 months. After that amount of time, the betrayed spouse's ability to love and reconnect with the wayward spouse begins to suffer. Part of Plan B is to disconnect yourself from the wayward spouse's destructive behavior to prevent the betrayed spouse's ability to love the wayward spouse from burning out all together.

Other "experts" will undoubtedly weigh in on this, but you and your husband have a good deal of work ahead of you.

But as for practical matters -- do you work? How are you guys affording two households? Do you have financial resources to protect your two children?

How's your support group? You mentioned you have a church -- is there support there for you?

Hang on -- whether you and your wayward husband reconcile or end the marriage, there are right and wrong ways to do both of these things. There are folks on here who can help you.

Blessings

Suz,

It sounds like your WH is in fence sitting/cake eating mode. Unfortunetly this behavior usually continues as long as you let it.

It is very difficult to do Plan A effectively, while your WH is still in the midst of his A. I, for one, would really have a hard time with it.

I would most likely jump to Plan B in order to get him to end the A. He needs to know that he can't keep up his A and have you sitting there waiting for him. Many men need to feel what it's like to lose their spouse before they even begin to snap out of it. You know your H better than anyone. Remember you don't want him back to soon, before he is actuallly ready to commit to your M. Otherwise, you could open yourself up to more prolonged pain. It's important for you to come out of this with your self esteem, self respect and dignity somewhat in tact.

I don't think I'd say anything about the D, because then it frees him from the guilt and makes it look like your the one who wants it.

I think I would just start detatching myself. It sounds as if your WH does not show any remorse for his past actions or his current A. Very tough to do Plan A under those circumstance. Just my opinions.

Suz,

It sounds like your WH is in fence sitting/cake eating mode. Unfortunetly this behavior usually continues as long as you let it.

It is very difficult to do Plan A effectively, while your WH is still in the midst of his A. I, for one, would really have a hard time with it.

I would most likely jump to Plan B in order to get him to end the A. He needs to know that he can't keep up his A and have you sitting there waiting for him. Many WH need to get a taste of what it feels like to lose their spouse before they snap out of it. But you know your H best.

Remember you don't want him back before he is somewhat committed to your M. Otherwise, you may open yourself up to more and prolonged heartache.

Also, you want to preserve as much of your own self esteem, self respect and dignity as possible. Men are usually more attactive to women with some strength. Let him know you want him & want to save your M and believe the 2 of you can, but you will not allow him to treat you and your M with such disrespect by carrying on in extra marital A's.

I don't think I'd say anything about the D, because then it frees him from the guilt and makes it look like your the one who wants it.

I think I would just start detatching myself. It sounds as if your WH does not show any remorse for his past actions or his current A. Very tough to do Plan A under those circumstance. Just my opinions.

Thanks for the advice. I straight out asked him. Do you want to be married to ME? He said "Yes". I said do you love me. He said that things have changed. He is willing to sit down tonight and talk and probably work see what we will agree upon for the divorce. I told him, he has to make a decision to be committed to me and our marriage if he wants to be married to me. If he can not, then we have to end this marraige and go through the divorce. A decision has to be made and I am tired of him saying, "be patient, wait alittle." Yes, he is fence sitting and trying to have his cake and eat it too. No way. I can not take this. It is either all or nothing now. I've stayed through four affairs that I know of and he needs to show me his committment. I have a feeling he will not committ though, then so be it. I just need to move on and worry about myself and my children. Thanks. I will always have hope but enough is enough. He has to tell and show me something. Thanks, hope I am doing the right thing. I don't want my marriage to end and I have told him that I am committed to stay and work like heck to make this work but if he can't then so be it.