My wife and I have been together for 8 yrs. married for 2. We'd been experiencing difficulties for a few months in a number of areas. Sex, communication and general intimacy. Sex has generally been unenjoyable for both of us for a couple months. We haven't been spending any real time together for a while. So a few weeks ago she told me that she was unhappy and that she would leave if things didn't get better. She couldn't tell me exactly what she needed but she knew she wasn't happy. So I tried to be extra nice and all that stuff for a while and still she said she wasn't happy. She finally came told me that she wanted me to be more confident. I had always been seeking her approval and now I see that that's what had been driving her away. I really started to understand what my role in our marriage should be.

Then last night she dropped the bomb on me. "I want a divorce, I f***ed someone else." I was in total shock for a while. I started to get really upset, then really mad. I made her tell me everything about it. That just made me more mad and disgusted. She said it was just a one time thing and that she's never done it before and wouldn't do it again.

She's staying at her mother's house for a while starting tonight. This is the strangest feeling ever. I've never felt such conflicting emotions for a person before. I'm not going to beg her to stay or anything, not that it would work anyway. But I still feel some need to continue this with her. I feel like I hate her and love her at the same time.

She said she's not ready to go thru and finalize anything or talk to any lawyers or anything right now. She said she just has nothing else to give to us now. She said it's too late for anything to change. I think she might just feel too guilty about it to imagine us being together after this.

I dont really know what to do. Should I push to reconcile with her? Should I just let her go? Should I just give her time to think it through? I am just so confused right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Cubed.

Your wife is showing all the classic signs of a affair driven wayward spouse.

You just joined today so you probably don't have much of the concepts here down yet. Read everything you can on the site. I would advise that you buy the book Surviving an Affair and read it as soon as possible.

Your marriage can be rebuilt but it will take a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK!

Read about Plan A and emotional needs and love busters.

You should cut and paste your story onto the General Questions II forum as there is much more traffic and expert support there.

Questions:

Do you have kids?
Do you know the OM?
Is he married?
Does she work with him?

Learn about exposue. You have to expose the affair to everyone who can help you as soon as possible.

It probably is not a "one time thing" and that is why she left. She wants space to continue her affair.

Repost at GQII and you will get a lot more input and advice.

They all say it's too late, or too much has happened. It's wayward crap talk.

Read read read about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and avoiding Love Busters.

I am sorry you are here but there are people who can help.

Repost at GQII ASAP.

No kids, I've met the guy like 2 times in the past. She's known him from high school when she used to have a crush on him. They don't work together. Her friends hang out with all of his friends sometimes so that's how they got together in the first place. I believe he has a girlfriend.

Yes he does.

Your wife.


Sonnp snoop snoop.

Expose expose expose.

We'd talked about keeping this quiet until we both can work out what we're going to do in the end. Why is this a bad idea?

It merely fuels the affair and gives your wife "permission" to continue.

My wife was planning to divorce me the whole time regardless and I didn't go down without a fight.

Don't end up feeling like a dolt for feeding the affair.

The affair is a monster and it will consume you if it is fed.

So what do I do, just call up everyone she knows and tell them? It's not exactly flattering to myself either.

Caveat: If this was a one-night stand and your wife has never seen or spoken to him again, it doesn't have quite the same dynamics as an affair where there has been lot of time and emotional investment.

However, she had a crush on him once. She's living at her mom's, and your marital problems seem to be relatively recent. These point to full-blown affair.

Exposure is important because it destroys the fantasy-land affair partners tend to live in. Reality with all its challenges creeps in. Many affairs collapse under the weight of it.

She's told me repeatedly before that she wasnt interested in him. For some reason though I never really believed her. I'm not sure if I believe her now that it's just been one time.

She's lying. It may truly have only been one time that she's f**ked him, but she's trying to get you out of the picture so she can continue without a "guilty conscience".

Expose the affair to those that can help end it. This means her parents, your parents, and certainly his girlfriend.

I don't know if her mom knows that she cheated yet. Don't you think me telling her will just push my wife farther away?