My wife and I have been together for 8 yrs. married for 2. We'd been experiencing difficulties for a few months in a number of areas. Sex, communication and general intimacy. Sex has generally been unenjoyable for both of us for a couple months. We haven't been spending any real time together for a while. So a few weeks ago she told me that she was unhappy and that she would leave if things didn't get better. She couldn't tell me exactly what she needed but she knew she wasn't happy. So I tried to be extra nice and all that stuff for a while and still she said she wasn't happy. She finally came told me that she wanted me to be more confident. I had always been seeking her approval and now I see that that's what had been driving her away. I really started to understand what my role in our marriage should be.

Then last night she dropped the bomb on me. "I want a divorce, I f***ed someone else." I was in total shock for a while. I started to get really upset, then really mad. I made her tell me everything about it. That just made me more mad and disgusted. She said it was just a one time thing and that she's never done it before and wouldn't do it again.

She's staying at her mother's house for a while starting tonight. This is the strangest feeling ever. I've never felt such conflicting emotions for a person before. I'm not going to beg her to stay or anything, not that it would work anyway. But I still feel some need to continue this with her. I feel like I hate her and love her at the same time.

She said she's not ready to go thru and finalize anything or talk to any lawyers or anything right now. She said she just has nothing else to give to us now. She said it's too late for anything to change. I think she might just feel too guilty about it to imagine us being together after this.

I dont really know what to do. Should I push to reconcile with her? Should I just let her go? Should I just give her time to think it through? I am just so confused right now.

Hi Cubed.

I am glad you reposted over here.

Again:

Your wife is showing all the classic signs of a affair driven wayward spouse.

You just joined today so you probably don't have much of the concepts here down yet. Read everything you can on the site. I would advise that you buy the book Surviving an Affair and read it as soon as possible.

Your marriage can be rebuilt but it will take a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK!

Read about Plan A and emotional needs and love busters.

Questions:

Do you have kids?
Do you know the OM?
Is he married?
Does she work with him?

Learn about exposue. You have to expose the affair to everyone who can help you as soon as possible.

It probably is not a "one time thing" and that is why she left. She wants space to continue her affair.

They all say it's "too late", or "too much has happened". It's wayward crap talk.

Read read read about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and avoiding Love Busters. Read the articles linkd to the right hand side of the menu.

I am sorry you are here but there are people who can help.

No kids, he's not married but is in a relationship. I've met the guy like 2 times in the past. and no she doesn't work with him. She "used" to have a crush on him in high school but they just recently ran into eachother when their friends started hanging out together.

I've been thinking all day and night about confronting this other guy. I know if I did though it would probably get violent. I've never started a fight before but I don't know how else I could get it across to this guy to stay away from my wife because he obviously doesn't give a damn now. Has anyone else here confronted the other guy? Is it even a good idea to begin with? I think maybe in this situation it might be.

Bad idea. Even if it did not become violent you will leave in dissatisfaction. He has to have a conscience in order for a meeting with you to have an impact. His willingness to pursue your wife clearly indicates that void.

If it does end in blows you could leave in handcuffs. Don't do it.

Have YOU exposed to her parents? Does he have parents? Do you know who his GF is? Exposure kills affairs.


Do you not go out with her when she is with friends?

By the way did she happen to have a 10th year reunion this year?

How was the relationship before you got married 2-years ago? Were there any red flags then?

I guess I don't really know what red flags to look for. I do go out with her and her friends sometimes, she had been asking for space to just hang out with her girlfriends though and I thought that accomodating that was the right thing to do. I think she's already talked to her mother about it. She's staying there. I think she is telling me the truth now about not being with him but I do have my doubts.

Have you been snooping at all? Cell phone records, email records and such. I think there is a pretty good chance this is much more than a one night stand.


This is a pretty big red flag.

I guess you're right. I have looked through her email a few times but haven't found anything incriminating. She usually deletes all her email once she's read it anyway. I guess I've left out something important. About 5 or 6 weeks ago, me and a buddy went out to a strip club. I got a lap dance and the stripper kissed me on the neck and left a hickey during it. I know, totally unacceptable behavior for a married man. I confessed immediately (it's not like there was any hiding it anyway) She seemed to be oddly not upset about it until weeks later. I know this hurt her badly and have apologized and vowed never to go to a strip club again. I consider it a form of cheating now too. She was okay with me going that night but I'm sure now this is playing some role in what's going on here.

So people have been telling me that the next step is to expose this to everyone. Is this the right course of action?

Put a key logger on your computer, and a voice activated recorder on your phone and see if the affair is ongoing, or not.

Exposure is a loving gesture, done to save your marriage, when an affair is active. If the A has been over for a number of months, exposure becomes more an effort of vengence, IMHO.

Read "Surviving an Affair" and become intimately familiar with Harley's principals, and get grounded before you rush into anything. A few days in your situation won't hurt as much as your becoming educated will help.

You may get other opinions on the exposure, so wait and see what other responses you get.