I am not sure what to do. Hopefully someone can help me. I found out 4 months ago that my husband had an EA. I kept finding evidence of it and he finally admitted it. I had suspected it during the time, but he either got so angry that I could even question something like that, or came up with excuses - and I wanted to believe him. I cannot stop thinking about it. I am not sure when it started and when exactly it ended. I believe the physical part ended when we were transferred and from what I know, the last contact he had with her was around Christmas - an email. I am so hurt and confused. I don't want anyone to find out what happened because I don't want our children to know what their father did. I have read the website and SAA and everything says to expose the affair. He refuses to go to counseling. We live in a big small town where everyone knows everyone else and their business. He said that the only way he would go for counseling was if I wanted a divorce, and he knows that I do not want that. He is a wonderful man, and I love him so much. He said that for so long he was not meeting any of my emotional needs that it made it hard for me to meet any of his. He had me get HNHN so that we could work through it to make sure that this never happened again. We could go through a chapter a week and work on what we read that week. That was in April. It seemed that each time I would bring up going through a chapter, he would get irritated. I finally decided that I would wait to see if he would do it. That was 6 weeks ago. This weekend, he said that we should go though the next chapter, but we never did. We have made it through 6 chapters.

He says that he is not sure when everything started, but that he befriended her. She had a husband that she said was cheating on her and he was there to support her. I have so many questions, but he said that he has told me everything that I need to know - that he made an awful mistake and we need to focus on the future and not live in the past. I know that and I am trying to do that, but there are so many reminders of that time period. I am still finding receipts - the last one just 2 weeks ago. What all is he supposed to tell me? What do I have a right to know? I want to know everything, but he says that I cannot handle it. I have guessed at so many things, I would like him to just tell me so that I am not wondering. I know that there are secret email accounts and that he used our miles to take her on several trips halfway around the world. He told me that he would have never taken her to a certain place and now I find out they probably had sex there. He will not give me access to the accounts and he said that he doesn't know any passwords to the emails. That she set everything up and he never used them, yet I found the logon on his computer. I told him last week that I was going to call her and ask her my questions and he was furious that I would even think to do that. Once again, me not letting go of the past.

He said that he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together, but he does not want anyone to know. The only people that I have talked to are health care professionals. I insisted that we both be tested for AIDS and STDs and even though he did not want to, he agreed. We went to a clinic that is not near where we live. He did not think that there was any possibility that she could have anything. Two weeks later, I found out that I have an STD that puts me at high risk for cervical cancer. He was brokenhearted that he had done that to me, but then tried to protect her by saying that maybe it wasn't from her. We were both virgins when we married, but now he tells me that he came close before but never actually had sex. In 20+ years, nothing ever showed up until now. I had to wait 6 weeks and then have a special test done by an OB/GYN. I could not go to my doctor because he is a family friend, so I had to go to a stranger 1 hour away. I have to go back next month and then every 6 months until I have a normal result. My husband was angry that I told the second doctor why I was there, that I should have just come up with somehow something happened before I was married. Now I will probably have to keep going to that doctor because they know my situation and what to look for. I am not going to lie about my health.

The only other person I can talk to is God, and we have had quite the conversations. My personal relationship with Christ is stronger than it has ever been - it has had to be to get through this. But I know that satan wants to break everything apart. I want to take something so awful and have good come from it. And I think it already has - our marriage is stronger than ever. I feel like we can talk to each other and really care about what the other is thinking and feeling. I have not been afraid to open up and show emotion lately. My husband has been trying so hard!! He has even brought me flowers and cards - something that he hadn't done for almost 12 years. He really wants me to feel better. He has been trying to meet my emotional needs and I have been trying to meet his. I have good days and bad days. A few weeks ago, I wanted to end it all. I just want the pain to go away. But 2 things happened - I could not find the pills that would just let me go to sleep and not wake up, and he got really sick. I realized that I could not leave my kids like that and that it was a selfish way out. I just want to know how long the hurt lasts!! There are days that I just double over - it is a physical pain that washes over me. I try to act happy, but my kids want to know what is wrong with me. I tell them I am tired or have a headache. I want to make it through a day without sobbing in the shower - my only private place. I want to make love to my husband without thinking about him with her and breaking out in tears. When does it go away??

You may tell me to talk to my pastor. I cannot do that - he and his wife are some of our dearest friends. My mother-in-law would be good to talk to - my father-in-law had, from what I understand, a very public affair. The way my husband put it, 'he rubbed her face in it'. He uses them as an example of being able to survive an affair without counseling. But she had friends and family to help her. As I said earlier, I have Christ and my husband. He has let me vent and curse him and cry, but I know that he is tired of it and wants it to stop. I do too!! I realize that I was not the perfect wife - still am not and never will be - and that I was probably too proud because I knew that my Christian husband would never have an affair.

I look at King David and all of his imperfections - he also had an affair - and look how God used him. He was a man after God's own heart. I am trying to see my husband as God sees him - still a work in progress. I just feel like I am failing miserably.

Sorry for the long post - I am new to this. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

(((((feeling_pain)))))

Welcome. I'm glad you decided to post, though I am saddened that you had to find yourself here as a result of infidelity.

I understand from what you have written that both you and your husband are Christians. So how can we help you?

"I was probably too proud because I knew that my Christian husband would never have an affair."

I can relate to this more than I care to. My wife's affair went on for 6 years, in large part because I considered it an "impossibility" for her, knowing her upbringing and her faith in Christ. But sin is very deceptive and very enticing. That God that He provides forgiveness, healing, and restoration when we confess our sin and turn to Him for forgiveness. Thank God that He makes ALL of His power and resources available to all who are His children.

If it provides you with some encouragement, my wife and I are now over five years past when we began our recovery, and we are now recovered, with the help of God.


God bless.

Feeling_Paim,

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place.

How certian are you they are not still in contact? Would installing software to monitor his computer activity at home help to determine this?

Your H needs to know that everytime you find additional information your road to recovery starts over. That the only way to begin is to lay it all on that table, leaving no questions unanswered.

YOU need to becareful just what questions you ask. Make a determination of just how much in-depth info will be helpful or harmful.

Too much info can lead to terrible images. Somethings maybe better left unsaid, but that determination needs to be yours.

Your H "should" be more than willing to be an open book if he truly wants his M to recover, and succeed.

I would highly recommend you start your thread over in the general questions II forum. You will receive more assistance over there. Just start another thread there, and copy and paste your initial post from this thread.

-JKT

Thank you for your encouragement. You ask how you can help - I don't know. Any advice is welcome because I am so torn right now. I run all of the emotions - anger, sorrow, pity, forgiveness, love. He questions if I have forgiven if I can't forget. I sometimes question how I can feel love for someone that has torn my heart in two - and yet it grows each day. I can't explain it.

I am fairly certain that they aren't in contact. I could not install anything on his work computer (security access is hard even for the employees to get into) and he did not use our home computer to contact her. He told me that he sent the email at Christmas (I did not know for sure about the affair then) but he knew that I had suspected. He said that it was just a note between friends. I told him that I did not want him to have contact ever with her again. He told me since then that he did not realize that he should never have made contact again. He said that he got rid of everything that she gave to him as gifts and when we were unpacking after moving, he said that if I thought that there was something that would upset me that he would unpack whatever it was. He has said that he did not realize how brutal that this would be for me and that he was hoping that I would never find out so that I would not be hurt.

I have terrible images already. I want to know what is true and what is not. I have nightmares and cannot sleep - will wake up to him holding me because I have been fighting in my sleep. I don't want secrets between us. He said that every time I bring something up it is just torture to him because he has to remember something that he has tried to forget. I dont want to torture him, but I am trying to find relief too. I want to know the truth about questions that I had to live through that are haunting me. That is why I would like to go to counseling - to someone that is known to repair marriages and can guide us. Not just what he thinks or what I think.

PS - is EA extramarital affair or emotional affair?

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair

I see you posted over in GQ II. It will be best to let this thread just die off.

-JKT