My name is JoCee; I live in New York City, the Bronx. I need help with my life. I was married to the love of my life for 19 years. In 2001 I found out that he was having a relationship (talking on the phone) with someone he met while working. When I found out we fought about it and I asked he to please stop contact with her. He did (I lost all trust in him since then) I did not let it go. I followed him I called him to find out where and what he was doing. I called her and harassed her I went to her job and confronted her. To my surprise all it did was bring them closer together. I have 2 children on girl from a previous marriage and a son from my present x. My children daughter age 26 (at time of death) and son age 18, would go away every weekend to get away from the fights and screaming and crying that was going on. I drank every day and night to get past the pain I was in.

My husband was leaving me to be with this (evil) person on July 27, 2002 he did not come home that night. Sunday July 28, 2002 at 1:30pm I got a phone call from a hospital in Liberty New York that my children had been in a car accident. My son was hurt but he is okay, my daughter Jessica was killed.

My husband was there for me (in body only) during the next year, he was still seeing this person on the sneak. The next year was terrible. He allowed our home to go into foreclosure, (which I had to file a legal separation to force him to leave and take over the payments to save my home).

November 2004, my husband filed for divorce against my will.

Let me say that at the time of my daughter’s death my husband was 39 years old. He said to me "I love you but I am not in love with you, Life is to short, I want to be happy".

I still love my husband very much, everyone is telling me he is a jerk; (other words were used). For the past 2years my husband would come to my home and see my son and me for at least 3-4 times a week. He has been staying at his mother’s house sleeping on a couch since the day he left my home in 2003. He is dating this person since on and off since he left.

I had to stop him from coming to my house. It was not good for me. He made it perfectly clear that he was not coming home; he said he was happy being single. He liked coming here to see us spend time with me and our pets, eat when he felt hungry, then going to sleep at his mothers house and doing whatever he felt like. I asked him if he was still with this person, since my son seen her in his car one day. He kind of avoided telling me so I told him as long as you are in a relationship leave me alone don't come here until your relationship is over; you don't have to have the best of both worlds, you want no responsibilities, leave me alone.

I pray to God every night asking him what to do, I heard nothing so I assumed do nothing and let things fall where they fall. I put him out of my mind and I believe God puts him right back in. I have faith that he will come home again. But until he leave this person and comes out of the fog that he is in with her I cannot see him. It hurts too much. He is not the man I fell in love the father of my son. He is an alien in my husband's body. He has not spoken to my son in 3months, my son does not want to talk or acknowledge his father as long as he is with this person. I think it bothers my husband but he is not doing anything to resolve it. All he cares about is his happiness, not mine or Steven's.

I love my husband and I cannot stop feeling that some day he will come out of his crisis and come home. My son said if he comes back my son will leave. I don't want my son to leave; he is all I have left. God left me my son to give me the strength to go on. I ask God every day to help me get through another day. I pray that he will bring back the love of my life and Steven my husband and I can forgive forget and be a family stronger than ever before.

JoCee

JoCee, I am sorry you are here and very sorry for the loss of your daughter. My son was also killed in a car accident a few years ago, so I know the grief and devastation you feel.

Can you first clarify a few things for me? How can you get back together if your H is not allowed in your house? I read all this and it doesn't seem to me like you do want your H back. What have you done to give him the impression that you would even want him back?

I don't know if this is salvagable after all this time, but I see several opportunities before you throw in the towel. First off, I would get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley so you can educate yourself on the dynamics of infidelity. If you understand how affairs happen, you might be able to undo some of the damage that led to the dreadful state of your marriage.

One thing that really stands out to me in your story is that your husband has nothing to come home FOR. There is nothing there for him. His son hates him and you won't allow him to come home, so there is nothing there for him. Your husband was already completely detached and alienated - as evidenced by his affair - so what do you think has happened that would motivate him to come home? If he has to choose between you and an adoring mistress, which would he likely choose?

I told my husband that he can come home any time he is ready to try and work on our marriage. He said he does not want to come home he is enjoying his freedom. my son hates his fathers lifestyle not his father.

I told you in my post that I love my husband and I will wait for him to get past his crisis how ever long it takes.

It is better if he stays away for a while to see if it is me and my son he wants or if it is this OW.

JoCee, have you read anything about Plan A? Plan A is designed to attract the wayward back to the marriage by showing them how good the marriage can be. Doing nothing is likely to avail you exactly that: nothing. Do you know what needs the OW meets?

check out this article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I did what it said in Plan A. I stopped the yelling and crying. Things in our relationship became better (even though he filed for divorse in November 04. After the D he and I became friends again. He would come over the house and spend time with us about 3-4 times a week. He never stayed over he would leave and go sleep at his mothers house which is 2 minutes from my house.

Even though we were becoming friends again he was still seeing the OW. I would see him driving with her in the car, and my son while working with him would her when she would call him on the phone.

I told him I love him very much and I hope someday we can get back together, we have been married for 19 years. We have been through alot.

I told him that I forgive him, and I don't blame him for anything we were both to blame for the break-up. I would like to someday try and rebuild a better and stronger marriage. He said he does not want to rebuild, he likes being single. he comes to see us when he wants and does what he wants.

I believe my husband is in a Mid-life crisis. He is 44 yrs. old.

The reason I said that I am doing nothing is because I don't know what to do anymore I can't force him to come home. He knows I love him I told him. Right now he want's his freedom and his OW.

I pray every night that he will come out of the fog that he is in and see what he is doing. When my daughter died he said that life was to short and he needed to be happy.

He said I love you but I'm not in love with you. It's not you its me. I got the whole speach. He moved out of my house into his mothers, he is there 4 years sleeping on the couch.

He filed for D 11/04 the D was granted, his lawyer never filed the papers with the judge so actually our D is not final

JoCee

JoCee, if you feel that you have done a good Plan A, including exposing the affair, then I would take a look at Plan B. Plan B would the next step.

Have you exposed the affair? Is the OW married? Do her parents know she is doing a married man?

The OW is 40years old she told everyone at her job that she and my H where living together (one week after my daughters funeral).

4 years later they still are not living together. While scrolling through Myspace I found a picture of my H on her web site she refers to him as her husband (the love of her life)

She is mental ....she has 2 children ages 20- 13. The 13 year old girl lives with her. Her son lives somewhere else. He looks like a drug addict.

How can she call him her husband when our D is not really final. they are not married or living together. I know this for a fact.

JoCee

This is Plan A - have you done this?:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I believe that I am doing that so far. I even went as far as telling her former employer about the affair. Her co-workers told her she must be out of her mind getting involved with a married man who just lost a child. She replied I don't care.

I have made a complete turn around. I am financially OK, she is not, she lives on Section 8 income. I believe she works now, but I know that my husband pays her cell phone, and maybe some other things.

My home is comfortable and quiet, I own a home on the water front. Tranquil. She lives in an apartment on the 4th floor in a hostile area.

I know it must sound terrible what I am saying but there still is alot of hurt in my heart. She knows what my husband left for her. She has no heart or morals.

JoCee

Does his mother know about the affair?

Yes his mother knows and does not agree with his ways. She is allowing him to stay at her home. I feel that maybe if he had moved in with the OW 4years ago when he walked out on me and my son he may have been home by now.

My MIL is making his life easy, his meals are cooked his clothes are washed and he does not pay any money to his mother. He is reliving his teenage years......no responsibilities just fun

JoCee